How to get 6 year old to fall asleep by himself HELP please!!

[inneedofsomehelp3]

Just this really. Me and DH should have nipped this in the bud earlier but basically our son doesn't fall asleep by himself. We read stories and cuddle and he insists we stay until he is asleep. I always though he'd outgrow it but I was obviously wrong! Now when I suggest I'll leave the room there's tears and pleading to stay with him (he also sneaks into our room in the middle of the night still but that's a problem for another day).

Have any parents out there have an idea how to phase this out gently and make him fall asleep by himself?
And AIBU to think a 6 year old should be able to fall asleep without mum or dad?

Yoto player to listen to, particularly the sleepy tales ones. I started by waiting till almost asleep then saying i just needed the toilet and I’d be back, then faffing for a while - they’d be asleep by the time I got back. Just slow withdrawing to do a task and return etc. And keep going out earlier in the process. You may have tried this already but do you do it with a prop (audiobooks) so he is distracted it will eventually work. My 5yo still needs us to sit almost all the way, 8 year old outgrew it at about 6. You might nearly be there.

Audio books and a walkie talkie, with you on the other end! The novelty of a walkie talkie might even make him excited to go to bed by himself.

We do a story and then lights out and lie in bed with a tonie story, followed by white noise. Until DD was 5 we'd then lie next to her until she fell asleep.

We explained it was time she fell asleep by herself when she was 5, talked about it for a week beforehand. And then supernannied it.

Still do story and lights out for tonie story but leave when the white noise goes on. The first day it took over 2 hours of putting DD back to bed and there were tears. 2nd day was better, 3rd was better again and the 4th she didn't come out.

I think you just have to be prepared to spend a week upstairs putting them back into bed but once that's done it's so much easier!

Thank you so much for your reply. That's a fantastic idea and I wanted to get a yoto player anyways!!

ime it’s too soon for some kids…….

one Child slept badly until they were 3. And then regressed again around age 7 - needing us there. But by age 9 had their own audio book and bedtime routine sorted so didn’t need us. Phew.

2nd child slept like a dream until they were about 3. Until the age of about 8.

it was painful at age 6. We tried everything.
best thing we did was to have both kids in a double bed. I used to regularly wake up in their bed around 1am. Then potter about my house. Having a snack. Finishing some work. Tidying up etc.

in fact nothing we did really had an impact. And in the end we agreed that What was needed was just more time and more maturity.

but I sympathise. Painful when you are in the trenches.

it makes you appreciate everyone you have worked with who had kids under the age of 10. How on earth did they hold down a job / career / life with so little time?!!!

#thistooshallpass

I love the idea of the walkie talkie however if I gave him that he'd never sleep at all 😂

Thanks so much for your reply. I am actually quite astonished that this the case for so many people- I always thought most kids only need a story and a swift hug at age 6!

Yes we are both working and I would love just an hour or two in the evening to unwind. Right now, bedtime takes a long time and we usually fall asleep as well, then wake up at 10pm completely frazzled!

I still needed my mum to fall asleep until I was almost 8.

She had tried the methods suggested here, including audio stories etc and it made me extremely anxious and i couldn't fall asleep as i knew she would leave at some point. I would then be inconsolable in the middle of the night.

I just grew out of it around 8. Just like that, no real logic, i can't explain it but I remember it!

My toddler is only 1 so I am starting to appreciate how hard that must have been, god help me if she's anything like me (so far she is indeed very needy).

Ds listens to classical music.

but what’s the issue really - can’t you just stay until he’s settled?

Gradual retreat worked for us.
Start by sitting near the door, then outside the door with door open singing quiet lullabies so they know you are still there. Then not singing but still sitting there so if call for you, you can quietly reassure. Ultimately they just want to know you are there for them if they need you.

The issue is that personally I do think at age 6 children should be able to self-settle and it would be better for him to be able to do that- children have to learn independence from their parents after all!

Well quite a lot of people think a 6 month old should self settle too.

In reality it doesn't work that way.

I needed my mum until I was 8. My DH is one of 4 and two of his younger siblings were awful sleepers until 7/8 too, but DH and his sister were totally fine sleepers who rarely needed a parent there beyond toddlerhood. All well adjusted adults now.

You can and should try things to help but after a point it's just luck.

I stay with my 7yo until she falls asleep and then I get up. She has a double bed and it’s a nice time for us to have cuddles and a chat about her day. In reality it only takes 15 mins max, it’s a calm bedtime experience and a nice moment together that I cherish. The difficult part is me not falling asleep too!

At 6 he might be open to bribery so you could do it with a reward chart or similar.

If you don't want to open that can of worms and/or your child is particularly shrewd, I recommend developing a very weak bladder and suddenly having the urge for a very very urgent wee during bedtime. This should happen basically every night, perhaps even multiple times, because it is a reason that any 6yo (even ND etc) will understand that you can't delay and will also have the understanding that it only takes a minute or two and you will be back. This gets them used to the idea that you can come and go.

Then you think up longer reasons to be gone. Perhaps you need a poo. Perhaps there is an extremely urgent load of laundry to fold which will take about 15 minutes and then you can come back. Maybe your dinner is ready and you need to go and eat it, but you'll check on them afterwards.

If you get the absences long enough they start falling asleep waiting for you to come back, so then it can change to "I'm going downstairs now, and I'll check on you when I come to bed".

I think lots of kids still prefer a parent with them to fall asleep. Ours do, aged between 6 -11.
However, its also perfectly valid of course to not want to do it. And I think at 6 theyre old enough to learn if thats what you want.
We told ours, its time for you to learn to sleep on your own. I want time with daddy. I want to watch a movie. Its taking too long and I want a bit of time back. Tell them the truth. Then just do a combination of sitting outside reading, heading off downstairs and saying youll be back to check on them in 5, 10, 15m etc. They'll get there. I found it helpful at first to stay with them til almost asleep. If you leave them wide awake it'll take forever. Also, one night fall asleep on own, next night ill stay with you.

Calm, kind, firm, always remembering its a relationship and you have a right to what you want too.

It is great to be able to get away when you want to and youll also appreciate the times you stay more- once you know it doesn't have to be every single night.

Is there enough light so he's not worried about the dark?

I think 6 is still normal to be clingy.

My 11 year old as well as my 6 year old need someone to stay with her until she’s asleep 😭😭

I know for mine, music wouldn’t help- that’s not why they want me there, it’s for the body contact and not being alone.

that said maybe it is time for the path of least resistance and some consistency

Another vote for a Yoto player and Ladybird Sleepy Tales... But we also let him listen to whatever he fancies a lot of the time now he's older. We also use the night light feature to keep him in bed, so he has orange for night time and if it's orange he's supposed to stay in bed and he'll put stories on to listen to. He's also six so he'll come to us if he's had a nightmare, feels sick, etc. but it helps him understand if he wakes at 2 am that it's night time.

Sometimes he'll still need us to cuddle him to sleep, we find it's when he's ill, first few days back to school after the holidays, etc. however it's nice to have those cuddles knowing it's not every night.

just seen your reply
yep it’s like a secret club. No one mentions it until you are so screwed that you mention it. Then 1 by 1 they all break and tell you their own terrible stories.

I come from a large family and know myself and our oldest sibling slept just fine on our own and stayed in our own beds. However the younger siblings did not. My mum purchased bigger and bigger parent bed to cope. (They ended up with one of those emperor beds - 2 king size mattresses side by side!)

if our siblings fell asleep in their own bed they damn well didn’t wake up in it.

so I already had an inkling about it.

my kids are super sensitive. And curious. And have very active brains.

both diagnosed as neurodivergent around 8yo. So not unusual to have a very active brain and to need strong connection with a loved caregiver in order to be able to let go enough to sleep.

they also like routine which is their own routine. Ie not one I’ve forced on them.

I highly recommend the Calm app. Loads of sleep stories. My kids love it.

They often listen to the same story. It’s the familiarity which makes them feel safe enough to sleep. Stephen fry reading the earlier Harry potters or a fabulous reading of the nutcracker.

1 of mine also takes melatonin at bedtime as prescribed by the psychiatrist. Super helpful.

best of luck. Unfortunately I don’t have a magic wand for you. I can say it gets better tho!!

We still cuddle our 6.5 yo to sleep. I don't see anything wrong with it and will miss it when he wants us to stop. Hes still my baby and love that we make him feel so safe going to sleep

Snap. My twins are almost 8 and we still sit with them until they fall asleep – luckily they do fall asleep very quickly, but it's still something I'd rather not have to do. We both work full time and evening time is precious for getting shit done.

Problem is, because they are twins, they will never ever settle when they have the prospect of getting up and fetching each other!

It's not for everyone though. Every family is different.

How do these DC cope with school residentials, cub camp etc? Some of these can start from around 6/7?

I used to do the just need to do x and then delay coming back as often if I went for even a couple minutes DC would fall asleep whereas if I stayed they would be chatting etc
I now usually am more honest and say mummy needs to do whatever it is (and often I pick something that they know benefits them) and I will come back and check you in x mins
Audio books sometimes work will though last night was too exciting and they didn't drift off to sleep
My partner does songs still and is convinced they won't sleep without it

My DC and children I know range from - not going, going and being ok (they are old enough to understand that you can’t have your parent if they’re not actually there) to getting upset and needing to be picked up/ staying with an adult until they finally crash out