WWYD Another Gifting One

[FlipFlopVibe]

My SIL buys gifts for our DC, there’s two of them she buys for. She’s a high earner, living in a city a long way from us, she lives alone so doesn’t have any other children to buy for and is middle age. Therefore she is free to spend what she wishes, she might ask the type of thing they are in to but then gets whatever she wants. She also buys for me for my birthday and DH both for his birthday and Christmas. I’ve always said not to buy for me at all but she continues to do so. She buys really obscure, quirky things for DH that he throws on the side and never looks at again. I’ve told him to suggest something to her but he never does.

DH asked her what she would like for Christmas and she’s sent her suggestion. She’s added together her birthday and Christmas present and sent a link to something that is £200. I completely get that we should buy her something more because she buys for several of us, but we never agreed a price range, she just buys as she sees fit. £200 on one gift is an awful lot for us, I spend that on my parents who do childcare for us every week, we see SIL once every couple of years! We’ve got some big bills at the moment and could do without it all at once.

WWYD? Is it a reasonable request from her? Do we suck it up this year and next year push back and say well in advance we need to agree something?

What do you normally get her?

Do what she does. She asks for ideas but goes her own way. Just buy something in your price range

She's being totally unreasonable! That is way too much to spend on a gift, I am close to my sister and I will spend £30 maximum on her gift. Ignore her suggestion and send her a nice drawing from the DC and some chocolates.

Can you get her something similar for a lot less? If so I'd do that.

If not I'd go back and say "sorry SIL that's way over our budget. We can contribute £x towards it or can you suggest something around the £x price mark that you'd like?"

I think previously it’s been branded versions of things, so branded slippers and luxury face cream sets. Usually they were in the £100 region but now we have two DC she’s upped her budget!

It’s a branded item she’s asked for so she would want something of the same quality. There’s other things in the range we could get her but she’ll know exactly how much we’ve spent

What has she asked for?

When I was single and had no kids, I really appreciated my older bro and SIL. I bought for their birthdays, their two children, Christmas for all 4 and flew annually (5 hr flight) to go visit them as it was easier for me to travel than their 4 to travel to me. They tended to spend 150-200 on my gift if I spent 50 on each of their gifts. It wasn’t necessary and I wasn’t keeping a tally but it was appreciated.
In contrast, my sister and bil (most well off of all of us) have 5 kids. They wouldn’t acknowledge gifts arrived in mail, wouldn’t send me (or anyone, it wasn’t personal) so much as a card and now I don’t do gifts with that side of the family at all.

It seems that this can be solved by communication - DH needs to talk to her. Tell her the budget, or that you aren’t doing adult gifts except for each of your parents, whatever. Suggest inexpensive things your DC would like. At the moment he’s leaving her second guessing about both what he wants, and what she should request, because he won’t talk about either. If she keeps continuing to buy for you all because she can afford it, that’s her prerogative, but there’s no point feeling bitter about spending money yourself for the sake of a conversation.

I mean it's too late now obviously but when he asked what she wanted, he should've told her the budget.

So I'd just be honest and ask if she has a plan B that's a bit cheaper as it's an expensive time of year for families.

She should understand that really.

Lidl branded sliders, slippers, flip flops - with a bit of luck she's totally unaware of them, and you can pass them off as being posh/branded

If you usually spend £100 then if she has joined her birthday and Christmas then that is £200 unless you mean you usually spend £50.

Can you give her a voucher to go towards the gift that she wants? Or maybe club together with your PIL to get it if they're still around?

So you usually spend £100 anyway?

Is that just Christmas? What about her birthday?

If you usually spend £100 on each then £200 for a combine present is the same.

No she’s always combined both together and it was about £100 now it’s doubled

You made it sound like combining them was a new thing that's all

Buy her something you think she will like but in your price range.

Your DH needs to say to her it's too expensive. Easily done without drama. Do you see her at Xmas? I would send flowers, wine gift box or similar to show appreciation that she thinks about the kids but I certainly wouldn't get into like for like monetary expectation.

If she's asking for something double your usual budget she's taking the piss.

"SIL that's twice our budget! Would you like a voucher towards it or is there something else about £100 that you'd prefer?"

Or just do as she does and just buy something within your budget that you think she'd like.

I doubt she's done it out of spite. Is there any other siblings etc that could go halves with you on it?

If not I'd probably just get her £100 voucher for the store or brand and some chocolates and a card from the kids.

She's not taking the piss, she was asked, and you don't have to get what she suggested.

You do not have to match the spending in terms of she spent £200 on us, we spend £200 on her. You buy her something you think she'll like that you want to give. The cost doesn't matter, as long as it's not insulting.

Not relevant here, but it's different for kids. If you have 1 DC and a sibling has more than 1, do not give the cousins one gift to share. They will notice.

"That looks lovely SIL. We really wish we could afford to get that for you but that's just more than we have available I'm afraid. Would you like a voucher towards it or would you prefer something else?"

What she spends on presents dhe buys is her business dependent on her budget. Do not get drawn in to thinking you need to spend the same.

If she feels that spending the same is important then she is welcome to adjust her budget down to what you spend.

I agree that it's rude to request any gift, especially an expensive one.

But just because this person lives alone doesn't mean "she doesn't have any other children to buy for". I'm middle-aged and childfree, but over the last 30+ years I have probably spent thousands of pounds in total on Christmas and birthday presents for my godchildren and my close friends' children.
I think most of us happily treat our friends as well as (or better than!) our families, so the OP really doesn't have any idea of the sister's commitments.

We don’t ask her to spend anything that’s my point. I’d rather she spent less on us and bought for her friends, but she choose this budget herself, she obviously feels it’s the right amount

That’s what I think we need to say, lets rein it in a bit and buy token gifts, we will spend a bit more on her than she does for us because I do think when someone buys for your kids you should acknowledge it.

I have family on my side who don’t have children, he buys for Christmas for our kids about £15-20 each and we buy something for him in the £30-40 region back for his birthday which is in January. These are sensible amounts for us.