Hi everyone, first of all this could be really long and I’m sorry in advance.
I am an only child, my DM passed away when I was 12 and a half, she had been ill for much if not most of my childhood and I don’t really have many memories of her where she wasn’t sick. I think to an extent this meant I began grieving her long before she died.
Following my mothers death, it was just me and my dad, I was only 12 so I can’t remember much of that period well but I do think at least at first he was supportive, I remember going on holiday soon after she passed and then being spoiled a bit. My parents weren’t married so I received the inheritance from my mother, it wasn’t anything ridiculous but about £25,000. This money came in about 6 months after she died and from there on out my father largely stopped providing anything beyond the basic necessities financially. By 18 there was none of this money left, partially as I’d used it to fund clothes, hobbies and school trips, but also as my father would convince me to use it for things that were only to benefit him, such as private number plates for his car or a weekend trip to go to an event only he wanted to go to.
8 months after my mother died he entered a new relationship, I met the woman and her children within about 4 weeks of them starting to date and I absolutely was not ready. I was 13 at the time and I don’t think I knew how to express it but upon reflection it made me feel like I had been demoted, I’d be left home alone often (not overnight at this stage) while he went on dates, she’d often come and stay at ours overnight while her children were at there dads. There was a forced relationship between her daughter and I. A little over a year after my mum died, I was forced on a trip with them for 5 nights which was really awful. When her daughter broke her phone, he suggested I gave her daughter my phone and bought myself a new one with the inheritance, I didn’t feel able to say no.
They broke up after about a year together and then 2 months later he was in a relationship with someone else, who again I was forced to meet early and expected to get on with. By the time I was 15 I was being left home alone overnight, often on school nights, multiple times a week. I never told anyone, just sort of got on with it. My mental health wasn’t great as a teenager, I struggled with food, spent a lot of time working out, would get anxious in very small situations. I did have a school pastoral care teacher who became invaluable to me and the school chaplain who also really took me under her wing, but I definitely wasn’t a happy child.
At 17 he stopped really coming home at all, we were in a council house, he kept paying the rent and bills but would come home maybe once every 3 weeks just to check in. I’d left school for college at this point (Scotland) and had many friends much older than me. I’d got into a habit of going out drinking with women and men as old as 28-30 and I’m sure it doesn’t take a genius to figure out adults don’t hang out with underage teenagers unless there is some benefit. In this case it was I’d lend them money.
I then went to university, moved away and I haven’t seen my dad in 10 years. We still message, but I haven’t even heard his voice in 10 years.
As I’ve grown older I’ve often thought losing my mum didn’t impact me, I was fine, happy and successful. Now I realise that the truth is I was never given the time nor permission to grieve, he moved on introduced new women and their families before it had even been a year. By the time he introduced new people I felt as though I was no longer allowed to grieve. That life had moved on and I just had to move with it.
I have also realised he exploited me financially, he should have protected what I inherited not just from silly teenage spending but also from lining his own pockets, he used it as a way to stop proving for my needs, I’d buy my own clothes, own school uniform, often own food. He was receiving benefits for me that I’m certain were spent on him and his dating life while my inheritance was being spent on the very things he should have been responsible for. Then there is the things he convinced me to buy for him which is a whole exploitation issue.
I also resent the way he just often abandoned me. I have this awful memory of it being about a year since my mum died, he left me home alone and I fell down the stairs, I tried to call him over and over to no answer. When he finally came home hours later he told me “sorry it would have been rude to answer my phone while on a date”. Or the way at 17 he just stopped trying to be a dad to me at all, while being a dad and grandad to his girlfriends family.
He last tried to meet up 5 years ago, I cancelled on the day and said I didn’t feel capable. He never asked me why or dug into, just told me he was hurt but it was up to me.
Now I’m 28, I’m married, good job, expecting my first baby and I can’t help but resent everything he did. I often have this urge to write a long message explaining all the areas I feel he failed me, but then I stop myself and think what’s the point? I’m happy, he’s happy, he can’t go back in time and change if, I may as well live and let live. I also feel bad as at the end of the day he was also a man grieving, we are all human and no one is perfect.
AIBU to resent him? WIBU to send a long message or is better left alone at this stage?