To give DS some tough love about his break up

[Grapesnthat]

DS is 22, he moved home after university in the summer and he and his ex broke up as she was going travelling. He has a good grad job but he is utterly miserable.
He’s become more emotionally open with me since moving home and admitted that he desperately misses his ex, calls her often just to chat and for the most part she will answer if she is free to.
He has gone on dates and come home saying “she was fine but she’s not my ex”. His ex was a lovely girl but ultimately DH is a homebody and she is an adrenaline seeking, wanderlust type.
He keeps telling both DS2 and I that he doesn’t want to be with her, he just wants a friend but they have been split up for over 6 months and he doesn’t seem any closer to moving on.
Every night he gets home from work and just sits in his room, maybe reads or plays a game but doesn’t go out with friends or even appear to talk to friends.
I’ve told him he needs to get himself out there but he seems convinced they will get back together when she gets back from travelling, in the next breath he says he doesn’t want to be with her, which obviously doesn’t make sense. I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to date, in fact it’s probably better he doesn’t right but he does need to make some friends and get out of his room.
Would I be unreasonable to be a bit harsher and really try to motivate him to start living again. Right now all he does is wait until it would be an okay time to call her, calls her, sometimes she answers. Otherwise he is constantly showing us what she posts on instagram (refuses to unfollow her or block her as they are “friends”), I’m worried about his mental health and I’m not sure what to do?

Yanbu and I agree with you on the not going out with other girls as he would just be using them. Rather learn to be happy on his own not moping about.

@Grapesnthat I'm sorry to say that he's not going to get over her unless he goes cold turkey....cuts any contact, following on social media. Its just giving him false hope unfortunately

Do you have some personal experience that you can draw on? For example maybe you have found that blocking an ex or going NC helps heal faster or focusing on work and friends (basically anything other than romance) helped your confidence and led to seem more attractive to others.

If he’s mentally fragile then he may not do well hearing that he is pretty sad to be pining after someone who isn’t interested even though that’s easy for me to say as I’m not invested.

I would be concerned about the lack of friends in his life too. It sounds like friends would help him a lot (and would have told him not to chase after a woman who dumped him)

She is giving him hope by continuing to talk to him and whilst thats happening, its unlikely he will get over her.

Ask him what is going to happen if she doesn’t want to rekindle the relationship when she gets back from travelling. I don’t think there is any harm in dating atm, because he might just meet someone who makes him not think about his ex as much, and it will also get him out of his room. But what he really needs is to be going out with his friends. No idea how to help with that I’m afraid.

I would absolutely be encouraging him to get out and join something.

A 5 a side team or volunteer at a Youth club or an Am dram group or choir, or helping with tech or whatever suits him, or to do whatever it is he might enjoy.

Six months isn't a long time to get over your first love. Keep encouraging him to get out but let him sit with his feelings too. He will come out the other end stronger for it.

Yabu, do you not remember your first break up? Telling someone to cop on just doesn’t do it, he needs to get there himself, and him saying he doesn’t, but he does, is him trying to talk himself out of it

Can you give him presents that would get him out and about ? Like a gym membership ?

If he’s at home a lot, how much is he contributing to home life? I’d be expecting a lot more contribution to cleaning and cooking. If he is not a great cook then use this opportunity to teach him. It gets him out of his room and gives him valuable life skills.

Think really carefully about what you say and how you say it. Message delivery can be just as important as the message itself. But I’d find some way of suggesting that going low or no contact is proven to be the best way forward. If you think it would encourage him to go down that route you could imply that it will give her the chance to see what she’s missing

Oh we've all been there haven't we.

I was like this with my boyfriend at a similar age - it's part of the journey of life to be heartbroken and not quite be strong enough to move on

sounds like heartbreak and one sided love and yep she is letting him hang on

I'm just not sure how much you as his mum can really help - be honest and clear - but at his age I think you also may have to bear the pain of him learning lifes lessons

Tell him to take a couple of weeks off and run after her across the world. He needs some closure one way or another. He sounds like he's living the life of a 50 year old.

If nothing else I would really encourage him to reconnect with his friends. It's so much harder these days for young adults to make and maintain friends that it was in the 90's when people in their early twenties just naturally came into contact with a much higher number of people in the course of normal life. He doesnt want to lose the ones he's got.

Re the GF, honestly, you probably just need to let it play out. Does she ever call him? If not, I might gently point out the fact that it's one way traffic. Possibly it will take her coming back and them not getting back together to unjam him from that position.

Young love and first heart break are just so all consuming. I would worry that he might hear of his ex in a new relationship via her instagram feed. I think encourage him to get in touch with old friends and then he might just naturally start to go out more & who knows, meet someone new. But he needs to stop contacting her as it will not be helping him move on.