Husband more helpful with others than at home

[Jane032]

Hi all, not sure if I should feel like I do, so just sense checking it. For all kids birthdays, Christmas etc, I need to put together the lists of what they want (from us, family members also ask), organise parties, think what food to get, what to put in party bags etc, all usual. When I expressed to my DH that all this is mental load on me, he said I was better at that stuff than him. Now he joined a PTO at DC's school and suddenly he's doing it all, organising Discos, Christmas fair, ordering stuff on Amazon and I'm just so resentful. Why can't he do that for our family? But I also feel silly because of course he's doing a good thing for the school. What do we think?

Yes that must be very annoying OP.

You are his secretary and your job is to organise your families day to day life.

His job is to impress all the other parents with how efficient and helpful he is.

My father was like this : did everything for the local community and left my mother at home single handedly looking after three children and the running of the home like a lone parent. Everyone respected and admired my father apart from his family: we were strangers to him.

Unfortunately it seems to be a common thing OP.

Happy to see you run yourself ragged doing the stuff you get no recognition for but wants the praise and told he's oh so great ego stroking from other parents. What a shitbag.

When I expressed to my DH that all this is mental load on me, he said I was better at that stuff than him.

“Well, the only way you will get better at this stuff is by practicing.”

When he joined the PTO, did you point out he’d said he wasn’t very good at these things? I would be saying you need to help with the mental load and look how well you are demonstrating that you can do this. If you can organise a whole school disco, finding some presents your kids like and some favours for party bags will be a doddle.

If DH won’t help I suggest you pare it down to the bare minimum.
No party bag - x number of the same item to be handed our
Keep parties as simple as possible. Or reduce numbers invited.
Find a set answer when ppl ask about gifts eg ask DH I think he has some ideas or they like lego/parrots/cats or a Amazon voucher.
Just reduce it down as much as possible

My ex was like this. Useless at home but always happy to bend over backwards for anyone else. It was because he cared more about how others saw him than how i did. He wanted everyone to think he was a great guy. And they did. If ever I dared to vent about how little he did to friends or family, no one would believe me and accuse me of being unreasonable.

Start delegating.

It's not that I don't want to do this things for our children and I certainly wouldn't want them to not have nice parties, but I just would like my DH to be more of a partner in planning. And now it seems that he can do it, but just not for me/us.

He likes playing the knight in shining armour, and helping at these events. Have you pointed out to him h it w capable genus, and suggest him he organises the next party.

White Knight Syndrome. The juice is only worth the squeeze when there’s an audience.

That's my DH in a nutshell. When we argue he says it is because I'm not grateful enough FFS The neighbours adore him. He's taking one to an eye clinic tomorrow 🙄

I think he’s a dick.
Another one who wants to appear wonderful but is an abusive ass behind closed doors.

It’s absolute crap op, and I’d be fuming. But play the long game- next one is ‘dh I’m so impressed by what you’ve done with the pto, and also so relieved! You have no idea how exhausted I’ve felt for so long organising everything for our family and now I see what a wonderful job you can do of that kind of thing and you don’t even make it look hard. Next year you can do the birthday parties, I know they will be great and the school parents will think you are hitting it out of the dad park.

then you go away to quietly barf in your mouth. But stick to it. Two can play the ‘no you’re just so good at it game’

I had one like this. We've split up now because his laziness with us caused so many rows. It is so hurtful when they won't help you but you know they can - they're meant to love you but instead they'll watch you struggle but it's hard to feel validated as it's lost of little times that build up rather than one big red flag.

All the men I’ve known in my life do this too 😩

So frustrating 😞