To wonder what's the big deal about having sleepovers at age 8

[Alinabreton]

DD is 8 (Y3) is is mildly ND. She's very sociable but struggles a bit with social nuances and is a bit younger in her behaviour than her NT peers.

Academically she's doing great at school, perfect behaviour in class and gets on with her teachers and classmates.Is always involved in different projects and always helpful.

However, over the years, she's struggled to keep friendships. In Y1 she'd been badly bullied by another girl, then in Y2 friendships were up and down, now in Y3 she's finally found her tribe. Her confidence is quite high, she's got a few friends she is regularly playing with, I noticed at recent parties that there were quite a few girls wanting to sit next to her or play with her, asking about her, which was amazing to see.

She's now also got this 'best friend', a girl who joined this academic year (lets call her Liz). They love each other, had a playdate recently and DD will be going to her house in about 10 days. Liz is also friends with another girl who joined this year. Both this girls come from the same culture and speak the same second language. Mums have become friends very quickly and the girls have been having playdates for a while.

Last night DD confessed that these girls are having a sleepover this weekend and she's devastated. She was crying saying that most girls in her class are having sleepovers regularly and she's never had one before and I believe she's feeling like her new friendships is at risk. I've never seen her cry like that, it broke my hear as we were all just feeling like all social issues were sorted for now and she's finally having a break from social drama.

Quite frankly, we don't want sleepovers at this age, but it does look like lots of girls have been having them since they were 6 or 7. AIBU to think that sleepovers shouldn't be a big deal at this age? And what would you tell an 8 year old who feels like she's missing out? 🤔

I feel the same about sleepovers at this age but would be happy to host one, so I can keep an eye. Would that be a possibility instead? Or I've heard of people doing an almost sleepover, where friends will come for dinner and a film, get into PJ's etc, and then the parent will pick them up around 9ish. The key would be all the parents doing this, not just your child going home early!

Thank you, that sounds like a great idea. I don't mind hosting to be honest, but I'm not friends enough with the parents of her friends so not sure anyone would be interested.

But 'almost sleepover' sounds great! Definitely will think about it x

It's unlikely that 'most girls are having sleepovers' - children do have a tendency to exaggerate. But yes some will be, they started in year 3 for my older one, and my youngest in year 2 has been invited to one. However my younger I do not think is ready emotionally- she is the youngest in her class and still needs comfort at night at times and I will ask if I can collect her at bedtime - although I know this can cause issues so may need to politely decline. My oldest would have been fine at same age though.

I have four daughters. One didn't have any sleepovers until age 10. Middle one was 7 but only because I'm personal friends with the parent. I do think 7/8 is when they start.

I only allow it if I know the parents well. We are in small village so it's probably a bit easier as I can collect in minutes if they change their mind (which has happened). It's a good option for you to host ☺️

I feel the same about sleepovers. It felt like a constant argument with my year 3 and 4 children last year. Im just not comfortable with them.

(Im not keen to host and be kept awake by them either to be honest)

I had and went sleepovers from about the age of 8. Most were unplanned and happened purely because my friend and I wanted to carry on playing. I recall quite a few girls had birthday sleepovers at 9 or 10 and I had birthday sleepovers a few times between 9 and 15.

I think sleepovers in Y3 are really normal. However, I’m surprised at your daughter being mildly ND and already diagnosed as such at her age. Usually it’s not picked up at that time and the milder ones get through school or at least primary without it being noticed. The fact she is in Y3 and already diagnosed suggests is more apparent that you might be realising and yes, that could be a barrier for her with sleepovers.

I used to hate sleepovers. They’re up most of the night and occasionally one would get tired enough to decide they wanted to go home, after insisting previously they didn’t. They’re the least charming part of child raising.

I have a DD of similar age and nobody I knows does sleepovers or even really suggests them these days (I wouldn’t be totally against them myself, though would depend which friend it was).
Perhaps as these girls’ parents are from same culture they have bonded over that and potentially it is more of a childcare situation styled as a ‘sleepover’ as they don’t have relatives nearby?

Dd1 is 8 and in year 4 and none of their friends do sleep overs. I'd also say no if anyone did invite her

So I couldn’t respond to your last question, because I do think she’s missing out. I do get the reservations about them having read about issues on mn. But assuming all goes well, they’re kinda the best thing ever for kids. It’s so deliciously naughty for them to eat chocolate at midnight, and stay chatting and giggling past their bedtime. I think both my girls fondest memories (they’re teens now) would be sleepovers.

I have a ds same age. Never heard of anyone doing sleep overs. Not sure if boys are different. Personally I wouldn’t entertain sleepovers at such young age.

Yes apparently "late overs" are very popular now, which is basically a late playdate, especially among ND kids who might have eg sleep issues, toilet issues, anxiety

I run a brownies groups - we only have year 3-5. Very few of our year 3's come on the residential and that's with women only, all DBS checked, safeguarding trained and risk assessed.
My DD didn't really go on sleepovers until year 4,

My kids are 7 and 10
neither of them have ever been to one and I’ve never hosted them either - what’s the point?? they don’t “sleep” and when we’ve both been working all week we don’t want other peoples kids keeping us up all night and I absolutely wouldn’t send my kids to sleep at anyone else’s unless I really knew them well.
My 10 year old was invited to one I just said “we don’t do sleepovers” end of!

Don’t feel you have to conform to this it’s your choice

I don’t think my kids are missing out and I cannot think of anything worse then filling kids full of sugar when they should be sleeping

I value my sleep too much!

Sleepovers are one of those things that vary massively. I've known 4 year olds have sleepovers. I've known kids who weren't allowed to a sleepover until they were 16. Very varied.

If she really wants a sleepover, I'd let her have a sleepover. Put steps in place to make sure that everyone is comfortable. Whatever they may be for you/the other parents. There is no rush, but if you're in a school culture where it happens then it is unfortunate for her to be the only one not allowed to join in.

I think all you can do is make your house the go to house for something else 🤷‍♀️

Maybe be the house that bakes or has something set up on the table or plays games?

Yep I do think they are different tbh! The only two sleepovers DS has been to have been with his female friends - his male friends don’t seem bothered, whereas the girls go absolutely nuts over them (he got about 4 hours sleep and was a fucking demon the next day )

She's not diagnosed. I should have mentioned that, but we and school know she has some social some and communication issues, very mild so far. She's doing very well overall but I suspect she'll have a diagnosis later on in life.

NhS is refusing to put her on a waiting list at the moment.

My daughter and all her friends were having sleepovers by this age. It’s fun for them. Films, popcorn, pizza, mattresses on floors, chatting.

Thank you all. I appreciated everyone's opinion on sleepovers. I personally don't fancy not being able to sleep all night and I know DD won't have much sleep either, she gets too excited even on s regular playdate.

I'm not close friends with any of the mums either so won't be comfortable leaving her at someone else's house.

We shall see, I might be open to it in a year's time or so 😔.

This is a nice idea.

DD is also in Y3 but she's a summer baby so still 7 for a while. Sleepovers do suddenly seem to have become a thing. She's in a tiny school, we know all the families really well but even so I'm a bit uncomfortable with her sleeping at other people's houses just yet so we've put bunk beds in her room and told her she can invite friends for sleepovers here. She's delighted and I'm happy because I can keep an eye on them.

I'll let her sleep at other people's houses eventually but she feels a bit young for it right now. Ideally if she's sleeping away I'd like her to have means of contacting me but we've no plans to get her a phone until secondary school so not sure exactly how we'll navigate that!

My DS is 6. I’m not comfortable with them. I can see us hosting them in years to come so he doesn’t miss out, but I don’t want him going to other peoples.

You can offer to host the other girls OP, but be aware girls can be cliquey, three is a tricky number and you don’t want your DD upset and left out in her own home.