How can I start my life again from nothing?

[solostandalone]

Posting here for traffic. A bit of background, will try to keep it as short as poss: I got out of a severely abusive relationship with my exH a couple of years ago. He truly is a monster and tried to kill both me and our DS on several occasions. He stalked me after I left him and broke the non-molestation order I had against him multiple times. He’s made my son and I’s lives total hell. He spent some time in prison but got out about 8 months ago. I’ve lost most of my friends because he spent years isolating me and alienating them against me. I lost my job due to stress. I’ve lost my whole life apart from my son. A few months before he was due to be released from prison I moved halfway across the country without telling anyone apart from my parents and my sister. I couldn’t risk staying in my hometown because I knew he would find us and kill us. I asked the police for help but apparently we didn’t meet the criteria for any kind of protection. So I did it myself, I feel like I’ve put myself into some sort of self-imposed witness protection without the protection or financial help. My sister helped me with a deposit to rent somewhere and my son and I are finally leaving a peaceful life in a quiet place. I’ve cut all contact with everyone from my hometown (which is pretty much everyone that was in my life) apart from my parents and sister, for fear of him finding me. I’m terrified for my family though, that he will threaten or hurt them or find out where I am through them. So far he hasn’t contacted them but it’s only been a few months. I feel so isolated and completely alone in our new area. My young primary age DS goes to the local school and I’ve met a couple of mums through that but they’re just acquaintances. I’m working part-time in a minimum wage job even though I’m qualified for a much better paying career, I’ve been out of it so long that I don’t think I’d be able to go back into it. I literally have no one and I’m tired of having to lie to new people about why I moved here/where my family is/why I don’t have any friends etc. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. Every weekend is spent just me and DS. I take him out and try and do fun things with him but he misses his old life & his friends and can’t understand why we moved 100s of miles away and can’t see anyone from our old life (he’s very young). How can I make a brand new life in my late 30s starting completely from scratch? Is it even possible? Will I ever be happy?

Yes it is possible.

i did similar age 44 a few years ago. It took me a while to make friends but i did. I now feel ok in my new community.

it will be ok.

Making new friends just takes a lot of time

and you have to keep trying - invite people for a coffee , invite bits new friends round

and open yourself up - explain your situation

and for every 100 people you might meet and talk to, one might turn into a better friend

Look at how much you've done! That must have taken incredible strength to up and move yourself across the country, get a new job and start again. You should be so proud of yourself, I think that's incredible. So yes it seems it is already possible for you to build yourself up from scratch.

wow you have overcome a lot OP!

it’s still early days in your new location so don’t be disheartened. How about a family friendly church which has a sunday school for kids your DS’s age? I’m not religious so i’m not being evangelical here, but it might be a source of community and help give structure to your weekends. My dad died when i was young and my mum started taking us to church for that reason and i think it was a good thing.

you may need to be a little persistent with the other mums and consistently make the effort over a period of time. be prepared that they may show interest but also have busy lives so it may take a whkle to find the right people.

Do you have a local FB page? you can ask there if there are other single mums who want to meet up but obviously you would need a new profile with a fake surname so you aren’t trackable.

You've been through such a lot and have had to uproot yourself and leave so much behind yet you had the courage and strength to do it. That is tremendous. You can remake your life and look forward to better times but you need some support and warmth in your life for you and your son to help you along.

I would start with Women's Aid or any local women's support group or organisation in your area to discuss your situation and fears. Also look on your local council's website for information about any services or local voluntary schemes or charity organisations to support families or children. Incidentally, local councils have something called a household support budget - or they did have - which can help people in need or on low incomes. Check if that is still available and apply. Churches are often a source of local help and community activities. Worth checking to see if they have any social events such as coffee mornings or children's activities.

Yes and yes to your last questions. Similar scenario for me. Got pregnant in the 60s you got married,end of. He had a good job, good money, moved to London. Found that difficult,country girl,50 miles away from friends, parents,long bus, train,bus ride. He changed overnight. Cruel, mental and physical abuse. Tried to kill me when our DD was a baby. I left, went to the police,was told not to be a silly girl, but go home. I had no choice. We had a weird relationship. 2 men asked me if he was gay,he big built hairy macho bloke. Didn't drink, got very drunk one night,fessed up I had been his only female sexual partner. He only married me as a respectable front for his middle class family. I heard from another relative,he was in borstal institution for trying to kill his father. I understood he was at public school. I had nowhere to go. Fast forward,he was poisoning me. Arrested taken away,pled guilty,so no custodial sentence. Disappeared leaving me a big mortgage. Boss came to the house, sacked me, said they couldn't possibly have me working for their fine upstanding family firm when this got in the papers. Had to crawl to the job centre. You stood in line, everyone could hear your personal business. Because I was married and school age kids,5 and 11,LA only had provisions for single mothers and babies, I would have to go to b and b 30 miles away. In the 80s,you had to leave at 9am,walk the streets. They weren't interested in my ds having to leave their school. My lovely DM had just died. I'm an only child, father was really marrying and wouldn't help, because it might upset the new wife!!! First time in my entire life I put the phone down on him. Lost the house,most of my possessions, phone and car. Given emergency accommodation by LA. had already met second DH at work,kids adored him. (Plus older DD who had live in job. I had nothing,all my friends disappeared, they couldn't believe he did these things. I was 40, at 50 I re married. Had had one DD just before the menopause,last year celebrated our Silver wedding anniversary. Trust me,you will get there.

I would look for a support group in your area for women who have been in an abusive relationship to give you an outlet among people who understand. Women's Aid or similar organisations in your area will probably have information about what there is.

I would also think of something to say when people ask you about your situation. If you decide what is OK to disclose/if you prefer not to disclose anything, rehearse it so you don't feel put on the spot in the moment. That might make you feel less awkward/apprehensive about chatting to people. I can imagine that worrying about this would hold you back from taking the plunge.

You mentioned about your previous career, could you look at re-entering in a peripheral role in the industry? Is there any kind of refresher training available? Did it give you any transferable skills that you could set your sights a little higher?

It will take time, it's hard, I'm sorry for everything you have been through

Thank you for all the kind replies :) I haven’t met anyone that I know well enough yet to open up to about my situation (as one poster suggested) I don’t want to be seen as damaged or vulnerable or end up being gossiped about. I haven’t had much experience of the school mum scene yet as DS is only in reception, but I can imagine it’s fairly gossipy! I’ve had help from Women’s Aid in the past, who were brilliant, so I might think about seeing if they have any groups etc that could still benefit me. Although I kind of feel that I’ve spent so many years being a victim that I want to break away from that label a bit..

Ah op it's really hard. I also did very similar a year ago and my ds is a similar age although under slightly different circumstances. I think for me the key was letting go of the shame of why I'd moved and care of what others thought of me and therapy was great for that, I hit it really lucky with my therapist.

Once I got that over me, it was easier to integrate, if people ask I just say I fancied a change of pace, if they ask specifically about ds dad I just say he's not involved. I've found people then just move on. You do figure out what to say.

I enrolled ds into some sports clubs at the weekend and i am trying to push myself to be more sociable at nursery pick up etc because I also sometimes just want to hide away and it just be us at the weekends but I want ds to feel connected and make relationships etc so I know he needs to see me doing that as well.

You don't owe anyone your life story, certainly not straight away until you know you can trust them and for me I see it as guarding my sons privacy as well and i want him to have some control over when and how he wants to share his story as he gets older. So share as much as you feel comfortable with and sod the rest. anyone decent will respect that and the others aren't worth a worry. I got a new health visitor when I moved because of the change in area - could you contact yours for advice on what's available in your area for mums and tots?

Why not go for a meeting with a careers advisor to see if you could do a course to reskill yourself or work yourself back into your career path? I did that because I had to adjust mine with being a lone parent and childcare issues and it was really helpful .

Just be gentle and give yourself grace, you're doing a really hard thing under painful circumstances. I had to work really hard to try and reframe it for myself as a positive adventure for me and ds rather than a move i resent having had to make but when I can get into that headspace it does really help.