To think we need to stop treating depressed people as the only ones whose feelings matter in a friendship?

[StormAndStillness]

When someone ghosts, drops out of plans with no notice or cuts friends off completely during a depressive episode, the narrative often becomes “you should be more understanding/you don’t know what they are going through/don’t take it personally.” But I think that’s quite polarising. The person who’s struggling deserves compassion, yes, but that doesn’t mean the friends they disappeared on don’t get to feel hurt, confused, rejected or upset.

People forget that friends may also be dealing with illness, bereavement, job loss, divorce or their own quiet mental health battles. Just because they aren’t formally diagnosed doesn’t mean those struggles aren’t real.

AIBU to think both sides of the dynamic matter and it’s unfair to expect one set of feelings to completely disappear just because the other person is depressed?

Your feelings "mattering" is entirely subjective. They don't matter to me, I don't know you, and will stop thinking about your feelings the moment I click away from this thread.

Your hurt feelings at your depressed friend ghosting you may matter to your other friends.

They likely don't matter to the depressed friend, because they've got enough shit on their plate of they're ghosting you already - they are also not likely thinking about you at all, cus they can't.

Saying your feelings "should matter" to someone who is THAT unwell is entitled. To be fair, saying my feelings should matter to bloody anyone feels entitled to me. People are not obligated to care about my feelings. There is no "should" about it. They either do, or do not, and it's something we should appreciate when people do. Not expect of people or dictate from people... And the very least, unwell people.

Ive witnessed people with mental health issues treating those around them with complete contempt because mental health can make people very selfish. Not always! I always wonder where the line is drawn between supporting someone you love and having to protect yourself. Depends how close to them you are i suppose.

@StruggleFlourish I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. My friends husband was the same, turns out he was having an emotional affair. He let his wife believe he had depression, she was doing everything she could for him, counselling the lot. His head had just turned. I’m not saying it’s the same in your case but something to look out for.

As well as ‘SIL from hell’, which is also having a bit of a vogue.

Something someone posted years ago on mumsnet always sticks with me:

Their depression might be the reason they act out but that doesn't make their behaviour ok.

I fully support you OP and it doesn't make the recipient of the poor behaviour un-empathetic. You can't step on eggshells around them forever, you have your own boundaries to protect your own MH of how much support you can give.

And fixating on one thing can be a sign of … people at the back? Anyone?

It’s typical MN contrariness. Someone else does something - poor friend, why are you not more sympathetic OP? OP is clearly struggling to process it and it becomes part of depression / anxiety - ‘oh this has been posted about before!’

I have a friend who is depressed and has severe anxiety. One time she was so distressed, when I suggested we stay out another half an hour she slapped me in the face and ran off. I didn’t see her again for 3 months. Did I have any right to be mad at her for hitting me in public and not talking to me for so long? Heck no, she was suffering from mental illness, I should have been more understanding.

When she eventually felt ready to talk to me again, I bought her flowers and her favourite chocolates, and apologised for my selfishness. THAT is what good people do.

I don't believe that to be true, they're usually accepted but with pity and I'd hate that life attitude, I've been on both sides of the coin

Bloody hell. No way am I doing this.Life is too short to apologise for being slapped.
Call me a fair weather friend but I have no time for this.

I’d call you sensible!

I’ve been through this with a friend, I made all the allowances and really tried to be a supportive friend. Then after about 15 months I felt angry at times when I thought about it and then said to myself I matter as well, I’m hurt, I have feelings and I am being messed about. I’m not reaching out to her anymore, she knows where I am if she wants to reconnect.

I have another thread going about a frirnd who is likely a bit low- though not clinically depressed- and expects me to text frequently checking on her. She is angry that I don't do that.

I am not a big texter but I meet her at least once in 3 weeks. I am a bit low myself, work full time, going through menoause, have a chronicallly ill DD. I simply don't have the bandwidth for constantly texting and checking on people.

This rang very true for me. I'm honestly not unsympathetic to people suffering with their mental health but sometimes the people expected to provide unlimited understanding and support start to suffer themselves and that them affects their own mental health.

I've seen this with my friend whose husband had bad depression (to the extent of being signed off work for weeks on end). All the shared burdens of family life got foisted onto her - earning an income, caring for three kids, running the house and he also expected constant emotional support, long conversations late at night about how bad he felt when she had to get up early for work and getting kids to school while he stayed in bed because he was ill and couldn't cope. It ended up doing a number on her mental health and the kids as well to some extent as they walked on eggshells around him. The marriage didn't survive. He blamed her for that, for not trying hard enough to support him. Curiously enough once living on his own he became more proactive at getting treatment and commitment to getting better.I

He remarried. She says never again!

And that is why many people with mental health conditions fear and loathe us neurotypicals. Given all they go through on a day to day basis, the fact that you can’t forgive a person for showing a moment of weakness says so much about your empathy levels. Luckily she has me as a friend and not you.

True, you are better suited to being her friend. I am fine with being feared and loathed.

We all have our boundaries and I don't want friends who kick me around. At this stage of my life- having been a carer for years- I want fun friends. That's every person's prerogative. It's also the right of every ND person to withdraw and ghost me because I am not the right friend.

What I won't accept is that anyone has a right to slap me around either literally or metaphorically.

When I've had depressive episodes I've completely lost touch with reality. I couldn't help it. I was in a different world.

Well it’s not like she did it on purpose is it? The fear and anxiety she had at the time coalesced into that response, she couldn’t help it. You wouldn’t blame a schizophrenic who was hearing voices in his head for attacking you, I don’t see how this is all that much different?

I am not the right person to be friends with a schizophrenic. I am not a therapist and I won't buy anyone flowers for slapping me. Those are my boundaries. Most people likely feel the same.

Then most people suck, which is a hypothesis I already had in my mind for many years, sooo glad I have it confirmed yet again.

Honestly, this is why I prefer the company of animals. They are so much more kinder and empathetic than humans ever will be. 😕

Sure. You are free to think that. It's a bit over dramatic though. In the real world, most people want their friends to bring a bit of joy into their lives. Not all the time but certainly some of the time. Us supposedly NT people cannot provide endless support. We are not MH professionals. Some of us are carers too.

And as I said, I am fine with people taking a break from friendships if they don't feel up to it. Many of my friends went quiet after the pandemic because they were struggling. Just not fine with them mistreating or attacking me.

This sounds completely insane to me, as a probably neurodiverse person. Buying flowers for someone for slapping you in the face in public! Terrible power dynamics in that 'friendship' surely. I'm all for supporting someone with depression, but I strongly believe if you can't show love to yourself, and you partly do that by affording yourself dignity and respect, then you can't truly show up for another person, however much you might want to.

It's the 'put on your own gas mask first' thing.

Have you moved on threatening people with legal action on the Dubai thread?

I’d say people are not queueing up to be in your company.

These things take time. That individual still has time to retract their insidious comment about me but I am serious business, I will not be slandered online and have the great UAE dragged through the mud also.

Respectfully, it’s not hard to see why you prefer the company of animals.

Clearly @Swiftasthewind is taking the piss! I fell for it.