Do I ask if there's a budget for Christmas?! New partner

[iReallyThinkRoseHadRoomOnThatFloatingDoor]

F43 been seeing girlfriend F46 since end of June. Our relationship has moved fast, our feelings are strong. Ive met her 4 grown up children and 3 young grandchildren. She has not met my 5 year old son yet, I want him to process the end of my previous relationship with his other mum first, we broke up in March.

Its our first christmas together. Do I buy something for her, her kids/grandkids? What is the process here!

I hate discussing spending with partners and dont really like the idea of asking if we are gifting and if so, what the budget is.

Would it seem grinchy to ask the above?

Not grinchy at all. Think most people will appreciate the clarity. If you’re not seeing her family, then I wouldn’t buy them anything. Just ask if you both are doing presents and clarify that you’re just buying for each other if you are.

I think a small gift for each other, but I’d not be gifting her whole family at this stage, for me personally that would feel intrusive and over the top.

Will you be seeing them at Christmas at all? Even if not on Christmas Day, will you see her children at some point over that period?

If so, I would buy something small because I wouldn’t want to turn up empty handed - some chocolates, something small but fun for the young grandchildren (depends on their exact ages of course but something like paw patrol/peppa pig magazines).

If you’re not seeing them, then I wouldn’t.

We are a little ling distance, about 2.5 hours away but I am seeing her and spending the day with the daughters and grandkids on boxing day!

Grandchildren are around same age as my son.

In that case I would take something small for them.

I think it’s odd you have something in common with someone so very far from your phase in life. You have a 5yo and she has GC the same age. Isn’t that tricky for you and her?

Not really. She was married at 18 and had her children young. She knew for many years she was at least bisexuality but the feelings became stronger. She spoke to her husband about it but they stayed together. Eventually she had to leave. Shes still close to him and the in laws.

Why do you think it would be tricky? Genuine question, not goading lol

Not really. She was married at 18 and had her children young. She knew for many years she was at least bisexuality but the feelings became stronger. She spoke to her husband about it but they stayed together. Eventually she had to leave. Shes still close to him and the in laws.

Why do you think it would be tricky? Genuine question, not goading lol

Best check with her. It's awkward but being able to have awkward conversations is a good sign in a relationship

Hope you have a great Christmas together

I would have to ask. Imagine turning up empty handed on Boxing Day and they’d got you something in the spirit of Christmas and al that. And vice versa - arriving with even just token gifts when they’d not got you anything would be awkward. I visited fairly new people one year and took gifts just in case and left them in my car to nip and get if needed. They weren’t and I would have felt really OTT and cringe had I taken them in.

Maybe take something for then as a family not individual presents.

A tub of chocolates, a bottle of mulled wine and a board game?

Yes definitely tell her what you're intending to do present-wise.

If you weren't seeing her family over Xmas I'd have kept it to something for her - nothing lavish but not token either. Given you are seeing them I'd get token wine/chocolate type gifts for the people you'll be seeing on Boxing Day as well. Mention that to her too.

I agree with the pp. I think it would be tricky. You’re at completely different life stages despite being around the same age — her grandchildren are the same age as your five year old. She’s done with parenting. You’ve still got many years of having an economically and emotionally-dependent child to come. If you moved in together, only your five year old woukd be impacted, not her adukt children. She has spent the vast majority of her life in a heterosexual marriage and is still close to her ex-DH and former ILs. You have presumably been living as an out gay woman for far longer.

Also, respectfully, you seem to me to be focusing on the wrong thing — you broke up with your child’s other mother in March and started dating your current partner in June. That sounds dizzyingly fast, even if your DS hasn’t met her.

Ignore these grinches OP! I don’t understand why people are judging your relationship. Love is precious and should be grabbed with both hands. I hope you all have a great Christmas ❤️

For my first Christmas with DP, I suggested a weekend away in the new year and said we could make that our Christmas present to each other, which I'm sure came as a relief to him. We went to a high profile event, he bought the tickets and I bought the hotel stay, roughly the same value, but each bought a "gift" iyswim. Personally I'd much rather something like that than have him choose something "thoughtful" that's not quite right.

I was seeing his family on Boxing Day and asked if I should take gifts. He said no, but I did take wine and flowers. Thank God, as his mother got me some lovely toiletries, which I have actually used. I wish I'd taken sweets or something for the teen granddaughter.

I'd say rather than "ask" you should suggest how you'd like it to be. If you ask you might not get the right answer anyway!

Ask if the two of you are exchanging gifts. As for her children, depending on the age, take some Christmas craft
things if little. Perhaps a little selection box each of they are allowed. If the grandchildren are older - perhaps a game for all the family along with a tub of chocolates.

Love your username! That track on CMAT’s album is amazing. As they all are 😍

As for Christmas, I’d not be too concerned. I’d be getting your GF a gift (but nothing too alarmingly lavish like an iPad, €250 scent, etc), and I’d bring something general for the visit to her family. Not individual presents.
Maybe food and confectionery are tricky on the heels of Christmas Day, but still I’d prefer to give something that will be consumed, rather than left as a physical presence.

i agree with those who think the relationship has been somewhat speeded up, especially since you are living a long way from each other.
So keep your wits about you while you are feeling all enchanted, and be cautious about rash decisions. It doesn't have to be rushed at all.

You've known her for five months. It's way too soon to be spending Boxing Day with the whole family. I'd be raging with my mum if I was one of the daughters.

Raging? Really? Her daughters are grown ups.They’ve all already met. You don’t know the full situation, so you can’t judge IMO.

There’s no suggestion that anyone is unhappy with this situation, it’s a thread about Christmas presents ffs 🤦‍♀️

Maybe her daughters will be pleased that their Mum has met someone that makes her happy?

I think that I’d take the grown up daughters a bottle of wine / procecco and the children a selection box or a book and sweets as a thank you for hosting, possibly a board game that everyone could play .
As for your girlfriend I’d check with her what her expectations are , possibly keeping gifts small this first Christmas until you know the things she likes .

Like most people, I would take some sweeties or a magazine for the younger children and some flowers/wine for the older children. It’s Boxing Day so still in the gift exchange part of Christmas

I think it's a fair question to ask as you've not been together very long. I know it's not the same but mine and DH's first Christmas I'd only been with him 4 months, I got his mum a tub of heroes so I'd maybe get one for each of her kids and a selection box each for her grandkids. It's just a token and I wouldn't say thats too overwhelming for anyone.

You really ought to be able to talk to her about it. Disagreements about money are one of the biggest sources of relationship breakdowns.