to refuse to change arrangements at *beyond* the last minute

[ratbunny]

I just want to know if I did the right thing. I'm not entirely sure it was reasonable, but there are reasons for that.
Its long and complicated - h of 14 yrs wants a trial separation to get some space, turns out he is seeing someone else. he wants us to be friends, I told him cant do that. But I do want him to see ds (16 months) as much as he can. We have now been separated about 2/3 weeks.
so we arranged for him to see him 10 - 2 on sunday. my dad would be there to supervise, as xh isnt in a good headspace, and not sure how he'll cope alone.
Anyway, xh has a car accident on fri night (so I hear from his mum). I text and call him on sat to check he is ok and to see that he is still coming to see ds on sun. No reply.
On sun, dad comes over, I go out. At 11 I get a call from his mum saying he cant make this morning, but he will be there at 2 -4. I say No he wont, he had time to call and reaarange, he cant get someone else to call me 1 hour late and change arrangements.
The thing is, he is very unreliable anyway, and often lets people down or is late to meet them (a joy now we are separate that I am not part of that anymore!). I reckon that if I let him muck me about NOW, it can only get worse. Whereas if I stick to my guns, he will HAVE to do what he says (at least around me, if noone else).
Obviously I am really sad for ds, but tbh he is young enough not to notice. I dont want to get to the situation where he is old enough to understand that daddy has not turned up.
So AIBU??

Message withdrawn

he wrote off his car, but he was ok.
he managed to call my dad, and his mum and his brother, so I am sure he could have called me.

No you are not being unreasonable, even with a car crash he had plenty of time to re-arrange. And why is his mum phoning you anyway? Isn't he a grown man?

all he had to do was say he was having trouble getting there and he might need to come later (though he told my dad he was getting a hire car). My dad even offered to pick him up!

I would have assumed that if the accident was more serious/he was in hospital his mum would have said something.

I think you are right to be clear with him now about what you expect. At 16 months your DS is too young to be waiting for Daddy to turn up but it won;t be long before he is and you really don;t want your son sitting at the bottom of the stiars waiting for his unreliable father to turn up. Bteer to try and gethis father in good habits form the start. And besides - presumably you had your own plans about what you were going to d for the afternoon.

If your Ex can be consistent and relaible over time then you can be flexible when it suits you both - he will have earned that right.

Message withdrawn

YANBU if he (clearly) was able to make phone calls... he failed to ring you, tried to mess you around and you stuck to your guns; nothing wrong in that IMO

phew.
glad I appear to not BU.
sometimes I just need other people to help me clarify if I am being an uber bitch or not...

Good for you - stick to your guns. It's about time he grew up tbh. I'm sure he can make it to his new girlfriend on time so he should make sure he sees his child on time. If he messes you about now it will only get worse. You've been reasonable enough to give an exact time and he agreed so he should stick to it.