When is a schedule too intense at age 11.

[Cleoss]

My sister has asked my opinion so I’m not butting in or giving my opinion when it’s unwarranted but I’m also not entirely sure what my opinion is.

My niece is in Y7, she’s a very active, vibrant child. My sister is a solo parent. My sister today expressed she can’t really tell if nieces schedule is too much or not, and gave it to me in plain terms.

On the average school week DN does activities every night of the week + 2 mornings a week.
Saturdays are 2 activities back to back.
Sunday is a rest day but often spent with friends.

School holidays for Y7 have been as follows

October Half term - spent the week with family who don’t live local, attended a sports camp while there.
Christmas Week 1 - Going Skiing with her friends family
Christmas Week 2 (week of Christmas) - At home with my sister but lots of family round
Christmas Week 3 (New year week) - Skiing with my sister
Feb Half Term - Skiing with my family while my sister works
Easter Holidays - Week 1 and 2 on holiday abroad, week 3 at home but likely to attend a sports camp in the day
May half term - Holiday in Europe
Summer holidays - 2 weeks at home, 2 weeks at grandparents where she will do a sports camp, 2 weeks at tennis camp in France, 2 weeks on holiday.

There will also be a ski trip with school and a MFL trip with school in term time.

Personally I think this is a ridiculous schedule, all in she’s hardly at home, even on her slow weeks at home she’s often still busy. I think it’s really important children get time to rest, have fun with friends etc. and with activities 6 days a week and only 4 weeks of the entire year at home while not at school it seems intense.

AIBU to think this schedule is too intense?

Every night of the week is crazy to me - but how does DN feel? If she is enjoying herself and your sister can pay and is happy to take her then i dont see an issue.

It really depends on your niece, does she want to do all those things? And does she feel confident she can ask to cut down in future if she wants to?

She’ll end up an awesome skier 🤷‍♀️ but it does sound a lot. Give it another year or two and usually by 13 she’ll start dropping things, it’s often the age when things like after school activities get dropped.

Like adults children have different activity levels. At that age my eldest didn't stop (and now in Y13 she's not slowed down much, she is very sporty and has a packed schedule), my middle child was pretty busy and my youngest would happily stare at a screen all day every day (he's not allowed to). Your niece obviously has lots of opportunities and sounds like she's very sporty as well. Some kids love it and as long as she is enjoying it and doesn't feel the pressure (some sports start getting very intense in the teenage years as the search for the next elite sportwoman heats up) then I think it's all good. Sounds like she does a good mix of activities and as the child of a single parent at private school she will inevitably have to do a lot of scheduled activities. FWIW the sports camps my kids went to had lots of downtime timetabled in.

She's having NINE FOREIGN HOLIDAYS from December to the end of summer. Wow. Nine holidays in eight months! Apart from this being an insane schedule, she's also being rather spoilt!

As to her regular schedule, yes, it's way too much. Activities every day after school, plus two mornings, plus two on Saturdays, so that's nine activities a week. When does she have a chance to play and to discover life and herself, instead of being rushed about manically?

At around age 9, my niece had a lot of activities and she once remarked to my sister than she didn't have time to play, so my sis scaled it back a bit.

Perhaps your niece enjoys being constantly on the go, but I would worry about burnout. Anyway, if she wants to do well academically, she'll have to scale back all that other stuff in the next few years.

Too much IMO

It all depends on the child. Some will thrive, others will be overwhelmed. As long as your sister is checking in with her child and not loving her own life through her, it’s fine.

I'm not sure any of us can say if it's too much - it all depends how she feels. Is she happy, enthusiastic, loving it all, thriving on it? Or is she ploughing through it from one day to your next constantly exhausted and wishing it would all stop? That's your answer really.

My son is a cathedral chorister, he's singing every morning before school, three days a week after school, and alternate Sundays. He plays rugby too, and squishes in a few other things. It wouldn't suit everyone, but it's perfect for him.

As a side note, I'm baffled by the people who say that they need time to spend with friends, as though doing sports / music / drama isn't social too. My youth orchestra was my social world when I was a teen. My son is enjoying time with friends in his rugby team and choir - they get plenty of breaks and down time to be daft kids! They don't have to be hanging around someone's house or in the park to be socialising.

Activities every night of the week and two mornings a week?

What are the morning activities? Do you mean breakfast club, or an early morning sports training session?

so much depends on the child.
I have 3, one of mine did no after school stuff, and then just added football once a week.
no. 2 did stuff every day, and even now as an adult fills their schedule.
no 3 did very little when young but now as an older teen is really busy and juggling A levels.

But your neice's schedule is insane even compared to a normal busy kid.

There is a benefit from being 'bored' from having nothing planned, just having to make your own entertainment. I requires the brain to be creative, to learn to entertain oneself, to not be constantly requiring stimulation. I would really worry that she is not learning to be comfortable in her own company, or in a quiet space, or how to just hang out at home. Those are actually quite important soft skills that we learn along the way.

Are the activities built into what I assume is private school so she is at school for longer hours in part to help childcare?

same for the holidays

beyond that it depends. DD has always had a full schedule DS just does school!

It depends on how happy DN is, if she's loving it then it's not too much.

You can't spoil someone with experiences IMO, only with things.

Holiday stuff not an issue, apart from environmental cost (assuming they’re not living in a ski area). Every night and back to back on Saturday seems a bit much to me. I think that’s different to being a chorister or in a youth orchestra, which are big time commitments but on a single young the child presumably loves and is good at (and whose duration is very finite for boy choristers). The people I knew when DS was in primary whose children were in different activities every night tended to be the socially-aspirant or -insecure ones who were afraid their children would be ‘left behind’ and not make ‘nice friends’ if they didn’t sail, play tennis etc.

If she ever decides she wants to offset hex carbon footprint she'll need several weeks off to figure it out...........

The before and after school stuff is part of private school life, longer days but shorter terms.
When my DC was in state school we used wrap around so we could drop at 8 and collect at 5 - clubs/activities have replaced this at private.
It’s also a lot of holidays but if she likes it then why not?
As for the hanging out with friends thing, PS tend to draw from a much wider area so it’s not like she can go round and knock on for her mates while she’s ‘bored’ during holidays, they probably live a car ride away so it sounds like she’d be bored/on screens if she wasn’t away all the time!

your sister must be totally wadded

Sounds very similar to my dd, who is 12- except we don’t have a day off! She does approx 20 hours a week of sport/drama/cello.

None of this is really relevant. The child is eleven not two! Your sister should be asking her daughter if this is all reasonable, not you and not us.

It would be far.too much for me, I like some downtime. Other people would thrive on this very busy, very social schedule.

The problem isn't the schedule it's that it doesn't seem to have occurred to your sister to consult her daughter about it. If she had, she'd already know whether it was too much or not.

This isn't massively different to my DCs at 11. Dd was a keen horsewoman so rode 2 nights a week and a weekend day she would also do an afterschool or lunchtime club ( netball/ athletics or similar).DS did 1x football training, 1X rugby training, Rugby match Saturday and Football on Sunday. They both went on school ski trips and a family ski holiday as well as a family Summer holiday in Europe and perhaps a trip to USA or Canada to see family.

Every child is different. My DC go to private school have similar schedules (eg a sport at least once a day sometimes twice) but they need it. But that’s because the school day, with smaller class sizes and engaged students, isn’t overstimulating. So there is energy (and time!) for more.

Seems normal to me, but we are in a north London bubble and dcs around here have loads of activities on offer and there is enough money to fund it. Most of them come from families who have done sports/dance/music/drama to a high level and once you add in all the things they want to learn, it fills the week pretty easily. But if they are in private school, the holidays are long and they have plenty of chilling time even on an active holiday

DS1’s schedule is similar. In his case a combination of sport, music and academic things (eg debating). He complains he’s too busy and also that he can’t squish more stuff in (‘but I want to do grade 5 theory, why won’t school let me add it?’). He does find time to potter about on Sunday afternoons. DS2 is less keen and does substantially less. Depends on the child and at that age I’d let them do as they please (if finances allow). I’ve told DS1 that he needs to keep an eye on his core academics (he’s a perfectionist so his idea of acceptable is far in excess of ours as his parents, so I trust him to do so) and that if he’s feeling pressured to do more than he can handle I will weigh in and tell school to curb their enthusiasm!

My view is that as long as a child is enjoying the activities, wants to go, isn’t too tired and is keeping on top of school work then it’s fine. Over time interests tend to narrow as one activity demands more time and others are forfeited to allow for this. Then in Y11 GCSE preparation might make it necessary to cut back. Any sign of exhaustion, boredom or struggling with school work needs to be responded to though.

She sounds like she has a very full and privileged life.
my dd trains for her sport 6 times a week then plays netball one after school and a game every week. We do also go on a lot of trips and holidays but she’s older so doesn’t do holiday clubs and I work term time so she has time at home too.
what does your niece say?

To clarify, all the after school activities are separate to anything offered by school, the morning activities are piano lessons before school.
Niece is happy but there is also an element of how well can an 11 year old understand their own needs and when do they need the parent to step in and guide them.