To tell my ds not to 'drown his sorrows'

[OutsideOfComfortable]

Poor ds is 19. Recently found his dream job. Been there two months, then tore a muscle. Off work for six weeks, and possibly longer if it needs operating on. His boss has said she simply can't hold his place at work, she has ratios to fill.
He's said he's off out to buy a bottle of wine. I've said that won't help him feel better, in fact definitely the opposite tomorrow.

Told him not to.
I just can't deal with drunk, sad teenager. Sad, I can be there for,but drunk? Nope.

Poor DS. I think I’d put up with him being drunk for one night.

It's only one night, surely!

You're right, drinking as a coping mechanism is a really bad idea, this is the time - when he's still young and has you around to support him when he needs to learn healthy ways of coping with disappointments.

I agree with you, but that is the culture in this country. You even see it here, somebody complains about something stressful, and they are advised to pour themselves a big glass of wine.

You're quite right, but offer him an alternative suggestion, like watching a film together or making his favourite meal and going for a walk together.

Drinking in response to negative emotions is not healthy. Very common, but not a good idea.

Realistically, how pissed is he going to get with one bottle of wine?

He's also 19, he's likely to wake up feeling a bit fuzzy around the edges and shake it off in a matter of minutes. I certainly did at that age.

Having one night on the sauce to take his mind off a horrible disappointment is hardly an indicator you'll be dropping him off at rehab by the weekend.

Does he like chocolate ? ? I know it’s not good to comfort eat etc etc but it’s better than drinking.. maybe a new video game while he’s getting over torn muscle ? My mum always said when one door closes another opens and in my nearly 60 years of life îve found that to be true. Suggest duolingo or something to learn a languqge while he’s immobile, its always useful Remind him that at 19 the world is really is his oyster .and he’ll have forgotten about this in a few years time.

The answer never lies at the bottom of the wine bottle. You’re right to discourage him from drinking his problems away. Trust me, I know from bitter experience.

He's 19 not 9! A movie with mummy is probably the last thing he feels like (might be manageable with a bottle or two of wine!)
It is one bottle* *after some bad news, at 19 if my parents had made a big deal about a bottle of wine I would have bought two to prove my point.
Is it the healthiest coping mechanism, no - obviously not but unless he is downing a bottle a night I really wouldn't worry.
The hysteria around alcohol on mn amazes me and there seems to be no resemblance (thankfully) to real life.

When you mention ratios I assume it's some sort of childcare/teaching/instructor type role. Is there any additional education or training he can be doing during the time hes off to support him applying for new roles when he's recovered?

If I lost my dream job at the ripe old age of 19 and my mum suggested Duolingo, I think I'd tell her to eff off!!!

Poor lad.

A couple of glasses of wine isn't going to do him any harm, but I agree, it shouldn't be a 'go to' when feeling sad as alcohol is a depressant.

Better to teach him resilience and positivity. Tell him to start looking for potential new jobs.

Turning to alcohol for me was a coping mechanism I learnt from my own parents. It’s been a lifelong battle for me to control. Every time I see my parents it’s like a conditioned response and I reach for a bottle of wine! Thankfully, my DH is not like this and my DC also drink alcohol rarely.

It’s likely more complicated for your DS than you are describing.

Wine at 19 is a strange choice of tipple these days.

This is a good idea.
Apologies for drip feed, but I am generally wary of booze. Various alcholic family members have put me right off it, and there are definitely better ways of learning yo cope with disappointment. He's so young to think that a bottle of wine is going to help

After I posted last night, he came down and applied for a couple of jobs, but it's going to be tricky starting a new job then going off sick for a potential 6 week break while he recovers from op.

I've suggested he try and apply for some benefit while he's job hunting. Extremely complicated system, but anything will help!

Yep, and……?????

I mean it’s not the time to ask this question but I wonder why he thinks that would make him feel better? Yes it’s one night but is that how he’ll be dealing with disappointments going forward?

I would ‘try’ to gently discourage him and offer alternatives like watching a silly movie/show together, getting a takeaway, etc.

If he went ahead then you’d have to support him and look after him, I guess.

ETA

Just seen your update. Glad he applied for something. 6weeks sounds like ages but it’ll fly by. (He won’t thank you if you say that though!)

He’ll get through it. Although I’m in the everything happens for a reason camp so easy for me ( and annoying to some) to say.

As someone who absolutely would reach for a bottle of wine if I'd had such shit news, you're doing the right thing discouraging it. It's not a good habit to get into.

It’s not a healthy coping technique. What are you struggling to understand?

You can’t really tell 19 year olds what to do, they think they know it all. I have one too who drinks alcohol more than I’d like, and hard as it is to watch we have to let them find their own way and make mistakes in doing so. I don’t drink either btw

If I lost my job, dream or otherwise, I’d have a glass or two of wine. I don’t have a drinking problem nor do I think I’ll find the answers to life at the bottom of a glass but in the moment I’d want a drink.

Hang on, did this injury happen at work? Has it been reported (accident book/hse/riddor - whatever body is appropriate)

if so then they can’t sack him easily, he’s entitled to be off sick

I think you are right to steer him away from knocking back a bottle of wine! One or two glasses maybe, but no more.

Could you suggest that he emails his boss to say he understands, but hopes he can reapply as soon as he is better, as he loved the job and is gutted that the injury has put it in jeopardy.

Also, maybe as PP suggest, encourage other ways to get through it. I remember DS running a deep bath and disappearing into it for an hour with a tub of Ben & Jerry's and Saturday Night Live on a loop when his first girlfriend chucked him. I was very proud of him for lining up a bit of comfort instead of going deeper into his misery.

Seems a bit harsh that he should lose his job. If he can go and buy wine can he really not be present at work at all? Is it a physical job?

Not at work, and despite working for a single place, he's self employed.

His job requires him to be able to lift safely. He's damaged his shoulder. Therefore unable to lift anything heavier than a bottle of wine...

I'd sit down and share the bottle with him. A bottle of vodka I'd have concerns, but not one bottle of wine as a one off.