"I'm such a stupid #@!?#!": Self abuse internal voices

[SoToTheSelfHelpSection]

If you are prone to mentally beating yourself up - like you make a small mistake like you drop something or break something and your brain immediately abuses you as in 'you are such a fucking idiot' or more abusive terms - has anyone in the history of the world ever managed to rewire or improve this?

I am very aware that you'd never speak or even think about a friend or loved one like this and I do try to go into self-friend mode but it's never really worked.

I have had a series of deaths from my biggest cheerleaders (best friend, mother, sister) over a few years and since then, my evil self abuse voices are much much louder and more abusive.

I constantly think things on a theme of 'you are so useless' but far far worse. If I said what I think to myself to a person in the street, I'd probably be assaulted it is so nasty and critical and unpleasant but I do think I really believe it.

I do try with the imagine you are your own best friend but it never really got through and now it doesn't at all.

AIBU for thinking you can't rewire your brain or has anyone done this? How?

Maybe ultimately its about feeling good about yourself and your life rather than rewiring a thought pattern.

if you want to feel less alone, watch this song performed by Rachel Bloom.

Sorry about your losses...

Honestly I don't think I have this voice anymore, not the abusive one.
Now it's more like a gentle yet slightly exasperated parent like "come oooon you're late again put your shoes on"
If I break something I'll just think "Well, bravo, well done, slow clap" but no insults whatsoever. Maybe just something along the lines of "what an idiot" but in the same tone I'd use with my dog, more amused than mad if it makes sense.

I used to have a harsh voice though.
I don't know if its simply maturity, or years of meditation, or just vulnerability which makes me more comfortable with mistakes, or more patience, or something else...
I'm tempted to think that CBT could be a good thing to try, it helps with not identifying with your thoughts, and the less you identify with them, the tamer they are.

I have tried CBT but I didn't get on with it. It felt a bit self deceiving to me. Its a way of pretending things are ok and pretending there could be reasonable explanation when usually its just not very realistic.

AIBU for thinking you can't rewire your brain or has anyone done this? How?

Yes, you can. If you were my client I'd suspected either this is how your mind thinks it's correct to speak to you, because it is copying how a significant adult spoke either to you or to how they spoke to someone they professed to love when you were young OR a saboteur.

A saboteur is that part of you that, rightly or wrongly, got blamed for something – again probably in childhood or your teens – that caused you guilt or shame. Imagine a group of school children playing and one does something the rest find unacceptable and that one is banished to the edge of the playground. Because it's desperately unhappy it doesn't believe the other children should be happy either so lobs verbal bricks at them (very much as you describe).

What I do – and I DO appreciate how weird this sounds! – is talk to both sides of your subconscious and persuade the warring factions to reunite for the sake of your happiness.

A lovely quote from a recent client: "my bully, who'd lived in my head my whole life was gone, just gone". He didn't have a saboteur but his mind thought bullying was the right way to communicate with him.

Could you just accept that being a complete idiot actually isn't that bad a thing to be - who isn't a complete idiot at times, who isn't useless or annoying or stupid? Can you laugh at what a 'complete idiot' you are or revel in your uselessness?

I think this all boils down to self esteem really OP. I expect it all stems in some way from your childhood. Accept your imperfectness and celebrate it, it makes you more human.

>>>>If you were my client I'd suspected either this is how your mind thinks it's correct to speak to you, because it is copying how a significant adult spoke either to you or to how they spoke to someone they professed to love when you were young OR a saboteur

I don't think any significant adult ever spoke to me like this. In fact, I know they didn't. I think it is rooted probably in a combination of desire for attainment, perfectionism and low self esteem.

>>>Could you just accept that being a complete idiot actually isn't that bad a thing to be - who isn't a complete idiot at times, who isn't useless or annoying or stupid? Can you laugh at what a 'complete idiot' you are or revel in your uselessness?

I put that as an illustration but the mental self abuse is more worse than that. It's more like 'you are such a stupid fucking bitch. you are a total waste of space. no wonder everyone hates you'. It's all very violent and extreme.

I read something about a Budhist or guru mindset of looking at a glass and thinking it is already broken. The idea being that the glass will inevitably break so you should enjoy your glass every day you have it because it is already broken.

This is one example but I get really upset with myself if I break something that others have looked after. Years ago I knocked a cup on the floor that my granny had had for years and years. I knew she really liked it and I was angry at my incompetence and carelessness. She was very laid back about it but I hated myself and was full of self loathing at being so careless and destroying something she'd cared for for years. The self abuse voice was in that tone. That's a tiny example but this applies to everything. I can't just laugh at it because I feel others are holding themselves to a better standard and my carelessness has let others donw.

this isn't about breaking things. I'm not rampaging about like a gorilla in a china shop. it's just an example.It's everything I ever do wrong - however infrequent - missing a train, being late, failing to get an interview, saying something not quite perfect in answer to a interview question - doesn't matter. I am very hard on myself and not very mentally nice to myself.

Maybe its uncurable.

I knew she really liked it and I was angry at my incompetence and carelessness. She was very laid back about it but I hated myself and was full of self loathing at being so careless and destroying something she'd cared for for years.

See my comments above re the saboteur.

Have you read the book I Am Enough by Marisa Peer?

It has some useful advice about how to talk to yourself and how to reframe negative thoughts. There is more to it than just saying affirmations and I like how the author explains how to make changes. Worth checking out if you’re interested.

No I haven't read that book @Everleigh13 I will have a look for it thank you.

@SoToTheSelfHelpSection Good luck with it!

For what it’s worth I do believe you can change the internal voice in your head. I did when I was in my 20s. I used the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay as a kind of blueprint for speaking to myself in a more supportive way. I still like that book but I don’t agree with much of Louise Hay’s ‘your thinking creates your experiences’ mindset and so I hesitate to recommend it although I do think it’s a good book about being kinder to yourself.

The Marisa Peer book covers similar ground and suggests some useful affirmations such as ‘I have excellent coping skills’, which is one I use all the time. It is explained much better in the book than I could do here!

Have you tried challenges the thoughts in the moment?

Like having an actual conversation with the thoughts? I suffer from intrusive thoughts and they have definitely lessened since I started telling them to fuck off in my head.

They are intrusive thoughts and I have drowned mine out by creating an internal voice that tells me when I doing well and 'corrects' the self abusive voice to remind me that I'm not stupid and useless.

You can rewire your brain but it takes an awful lot of effort.

I wonder if DBT might be more suitable for this than CBT.

Could you be neurodiverse? It's common in people with ADHD and autism to have a harsh inner voice that chastises them on a regular basis. I have read that DBT works much better for ND people although I've yet to try it myself so I can't say what it's like.

I also wonder if it's actually a sort of tic and therefore therapy techniques for tourettes might work?

I will follow this thread with interest as I share your problem. Mine is so bad that I sometimes blurt the criticism out loud, much to the confusion of whoever is near me. I have to cover it up by pretending I just stubbed my toe and telling off the corner of the desk etc.