To expect DD (17) to be in bed by midnight on school nights

[wildfellhall]

I would prefer 11.

BTW I feel as if I have tried everything.

Advice and empathy is very welcome.

She's 17!

Leave her to it.

Bloody hell but controlling. If she's tired then it would be her own fault. Id hate someone telling me I had to go to be by nudnight

Doesn’t really matter what you expect or prefer. A 17 year old can live independently, so …

You can ask her to keep noise to a minimum if her late nights are disturbing you.

Remember her circadian rhythm is different to yours; she can probably stay up late and still feel energetic during the day. (It’s how students get through university, after all.)

Don’t make this a source of stress for you both. Just be supportive and try to ensure she gets some decent nutrition once in a while.

I have dc2 and 3 in sixth-form.
My expectations from finishing gcses have been i no longer set a bed time, however I expect they get up independently in a morning, they are not grumpy to others, they keep up with schoolwork/maintain grades and they dont wake anyone else up. If they can stick to these rules I dont interfere. Dc2 is a night owl and often stays up until midnight but is actually usually the first up in a morning. Obviously needs less sleep than dc3 who's usually in bed by 10pm.
I think this is a case of pick your battles.

Haha at 18 I was going out til 4 then up and at college for 8.30.

Oh to be young again!

She is 17 and at school- yes to by 11 on a school night!

i don’t police a bed time but do expect phone & laptop downstairs by 10:30/11pm latest. I find that without a screen they end up going to sleep pretty sharpish! Once 18 they can have their own screen policy (interestingly one at uni still puts screens downstairs!).

Shes 17. Do you have a bed time op

I agree with you op but I'm not sure there's a huge amount you can do about it

In the house or in bed?

unreasonable to expect to be asleep.

my ExH was an owl and frequently up until 2am. I’m a lark and get up early and go bed early.

if your child is just going to stare into darkness for hours then yes you are unreasonable.

Thanks for these responses ; I should have said in her room for the night - rather than actually having her lights out. It’s mostly about not disturbing the rest of us, she is not silent in her movements.

I would be happy to leave her to it if she was actually managing her time and commitments but she really isn’t at the moment and then she wants lots of help with general crisis management.

It’s useful to hear what other households expect. She also doesn’t lift a finger with the chores except a very occasional fit of grandiose washing up with drum rolls aplenty.

I have tried for years to get her phone off her at night and she always has an excuse, homework news, duolingo, she wears is out.

Give over lol

There's an excellent quote for this sort of thing YOUR LACK OF PLANNING IS NOT MY EMERGENCY . . Let her figure out the crisises and she will plan better.

Yeah to be in her room at 11 is fine

Thank you, I need to hear the tough love message So much!

My middle son is nearly 17 and just started A levels. We say in bed by 11pm as he is up at 7 for school.

I was at boarding school at that age, sharing accommodation with people as young as 13.

We had to be in our rooms by 10.30pm. For the sixth form, actual lights out time was not enforced but the majority of pupils were still doing homework at that point. It was rare anyone was still up after midnight, unless sneaking out.

The morning wakeup call was 7am.

It seemed to work quite well, but boarding school makes you self-reliant and therefore forces you to self-regulate.

Thanks Inveterate. I think I do need to leave her to find her own way.

You can’t enforce a bedtime for a 17 year old.

When dd turned 16 she no longer had a set bedtime. I just asked that if she does stay up late not to disturb the rest of us who are sleeping and need to be up early.
She normally in her room from 11pm when I head off to bed. I know she stays up til at least 2am doing things in her room.

Shes young and can tolerate late nights and still function the next day unlike me.

I do the same. In bed for a certain time, any messing about in the kitchen etc needs to be done before that. No time for nonsense in the morning trying to get a day off school/college due to being "too tired"

It's possible she would be struggling with organisation regardless of her bed time.

Being organised doesn't come naturally to a lot of people, let alone teens.
It's a skill that needs to be taught and practiced.

Eg Would sitting down with her on a Sunday night and looking at her timetable for the week ahead help?
Point out potential clashes, consequences "you will be out all day here, make sure you take enough food for the whole day/evening"
(Sorry rubbish example!) Etc

I can't imagine ever trying to enforce a bed time for a 17 year old. It's a different world!

At 17?
She needs to take responsibilty for herself