At my wits end

[upsydizzy]

I'm sorry my first post is so depressing, but I just don't have anyone for support. My dp is completely unreasonable in terms of helping out. Rarely changes nappies, (6 in 5 months) doesn't help with feeds, and spends all his time out with friends. In the mean time, I'm trying to cope with a colicky baby without the support of friends or family.I'm still reasonably new in my area, and don't know many people and the few people I do know with children have enough issues with their own children without me crying on their shoulder. I think I've got post natal depression, but have been talked out of being diagnosed by the other half who insists it means our ds will be taken into care. I've got insomnia, and am often awake til 4 am, and tonight in particular, I am struggling. All day, nothing has seemed to help settle my son. He doesn't have a temperature, and has no signs of being ill, and his constant grizzling, as of 2pm this afternoon with the exception of his naps finally got to me enough, and with him thrusting about so much that I nerly dropped him, that I smacked him. Not hard, just a tap, but I'm just so angry and disgusted at myself. He's 5 months old, and I'm a grown woman. I should know better. I'm sorry to have to let this all out here, but I need to get it out somewhere. I now feel like I don't deserve to be a mother

Even if you feel slightly better in the morning do still go to the GP. (it is common to feel a bit better after finally being able to admit you have been struggling).

Please keep chatting if it is helping - I am off to bed very soon, but others stay up later than me!

Update us if you feel able to once you have seen your GP.

Upsydizzy - i just wanted to share my own experience of being diagnosed with PND.

I went into the GP's surgery, and there was a student there, and they were filming me. And i swore i wasn't going to cry but i did, almost as soon as i sat down. The poor student didn't know where to look!!

I've managed to get past it and MN has been a big part of it, so keep posting! We have a special area for depression and mental health, so maybe you could check in there for others' experiences of PND.

There is no way your baby will be taken away from you but you do need help. Please, please go and see your GP, and if your partner doesn't have anything supportive or helpful to say then he needs to keep his mouth shut IMO (sorry!)

I absolutely must go to bed now, but please stay in touch. Will check up on this in the morning.

Upsy, Don't beat yourself up, you're having a hard time because you are utterly exhausted to the core, you have a teethy colicky baby and no one to even hold the reins for a second. Your world/life is completely different yet your dp barely acts like anythings happened. You have every right to feel upset.

Oh, and just to add, we found that putting ds in a sling/wrap and carrying him round settled him when he was windy or colicky. Have you got a sling? It saved my sanity on more than one occasion!!

Are you breast or formula feeding? We have a special section for that as well so maybe you could post for advice about the colic?

Must must go!!

I do have a sling, but only use it on occassions as my son is a big baby. He was over 10 lb at birth and now 18 and a half. On top of that, I suffer from back problems so find using it can often leave me in a lot of pain the next day.He's being breastfed.

I'm now going to bed. My DS has just woken, so will probably stay in bed once he's asleep. Will let you all know in the morning. Thank you all.

Upsy- just a thought but are you sure ds has colic, the reason i ask is that a lot of the time acid reflux is misdiagnosed as colic, and this can be treated relatively easily with baby antacids and a special type of cuhion shaped as a wedge which stops the acid refluxing in the stomach, amongst other things.

night upsy.

my second baby had bad colick, but fortunately it only lasted a few weeks, and that was one of the few times i had support from dp. he still went to the pub but would come back when i called him screaming 'i need a break from this or i will go insane'

warm water (cooled boiled) in a bottle will help bring up any wind. and he may suckle himself to sleep. a walk out in her buggy would help mine too. especially on bumpy paths! also helped bring up her wind. infacol was the best colick drops that worked for her, but every baby is different. if after a while they dont seem to be working try another brand.

are you using a dummy? they have been known to help colicky babies. something to do with the sucking action.

i also agree with whoever said that you should make sure he fed, clean and dry and leave him in a safe place hile you get your head together, when you are really feeling desperate. i did that a lot with my first.

hope things get better for you.

I would like to second the use of a dummy. They get a lot of bad press.

Upsydizzy - how are you doing??

Try and get in touch with other new mums in your area. The NCT run coffee groups for mums with babies and some areas also run postnatal discussion groups, specifically to talk about problems and experiences. MAMA (Meet A Mum Association) also run coffee groups and your health visitor may be able to tell you about more. In our area, we have a First Baby Group specifically for first time mothers. You need to talk with other mums at the same stage and you'll find they've all got stories to tell of feeling exhausted and at the end of their tethers. It's perfectly normal, even without PND. With PND, you absolutely must see your GP and get some help. It is very, very common and I'm sure something can be done to help.

You are going through a horrendous time and I am appalled at your DH's behaviour. The fact that he goes out so frequently and leaves you alone is bad enough but the added fact that he can't see just how you are suffering right now is truly awful

First off, make yourself an appointment at the doctors and get some help. PND is treatable and you deserve to take the necessary steps to make yourself better. Your child WILL NOT be taken from you but dont leave this a second longer.

Then I suggest you show this thread to your DH. He is being an absolute fu**wit and needs to sort himself our pronto.

Do you then have the option to get away with your baby for a few days. I know you are fairly alone in BIrmigham but do you have relatives you could stay with?

Either way, stay with it, stay in touch on mumsnet and people will come forward and offer you lots of love and support

Polly x

The main problem seems to be your DP. People have given good advice about the PND and meeting new people but your DP needs to be aware that it is his baby too and he has responsibility. He is acting like a single person. I would sit down and talk to him about going out and babysitting and support generally.

hi upsy are things going any better today? loads of people still here if ytou need to talk.

hope things went well at the gp's?

Really feel for you upsydizzy, I had dreadful PND and I know how tormenting it is when you just can't sleep. You poor thing.

Please do go to the doctors. I absolutely PROMISE your DS will not be taken away from you. If babies were taken away from every mum suffering from PND then...well...there'd be a lot more babies in care than there.

I feel very at your DH for saying that to you, in fact he is not helping at all is he? I'm not surprised you feel at the end of your tether.

Please do keep posting for support.

Well, my dp finally agreed to support me in getting help. But I'm confused about what the gp said. As I mentoned before, and told the gp, i'm breastfeeding. The only option for meds that he gave me was citalopram, but then told me it can cause side effects in my ds. The only other option he gave was refering me to mental health and a counselling number, saying their was a long wait for each.I've been prescribed citalopram as i told him I wasn't wiling to wait any longer for treatment... Just wondering, has anyone else breastfed while being on citalopram?

sorry i have never heard of this but i do know that there are a few members on here that use citalopram so maybe if you start a new topic in mental health.health some one might come along who can help you with this.

am glad that your dp is more willing to support on you on this, i hope this means that he is going to support you more with your ds too?

upsydizzy, I have a 5 month old son too who is starting to grizzle a lot and wake at all times. The sleepy, easy days are behind now. My guess is that your ds is hungry. He is a big boy and I think he needs food. Please discuss this with DR before YOU start taking anything as it maybe your ds that needs sorting out before you do in order to make you feel better.

I had a rough time with ds1 and felt i was losing my mind and really couldn't cope however this was a temporary stage and i was told it was quite common with the return of a period until the second menstrual period had finished and the hormones had settled down. This turned out to be completely true again with ds2 and now I feel fine.

U r a good mother. Instinct is the way to go, just follow that and you will be ok. Nothing is ever easy with children or as you imagined it to be but after every bad phase comes a good one.

Good luck x

I forgot to say that with ds1 I had really bad insomnia however after my 2nd MP started (1 month after stopping b/feeding) that disappeared. V odd but a huge relief.

I had PND and mine were not taken away, health vis was great, got me onto a positive parenting course, all stuff thats a bit obvious, but so good because I met others who felt like me, and we all got along, shared our worries, had a coffee and weren't alone any more. I really came through it ok, and love my kids more than you can imagine, and felt like a good mum too- you will feel that soon, so glad you will see GP. Thinking of you, sending a hug, and peace of mind

upsy there are lots of threads on citalopram and bf om mumsnet if you do a search and the kellymom website is good

thinking of you! good luck

SCL - of course it is up to the OP, but i definitely wouldn't recommend starting solids before 6 months as there's less calories in baby rice (or whatever) than in bm, and it could make his sleep worse! Both the WHO and the DoH recommend starting solids at 6 months, and i don't think that solids would make a great difference to Upsydizzy's ds!

Speaking personally i wouldn't take Citalopram while bf-ing. Also - and i'm sorry to be so negative - I wouldn't take your GP's word for it. Could you speak to a breastfeeding counsellor about it?

WRT to treatment, is there a fast-track Mental Health team you could be referred to? I think if your dp could support you more then things may seem easier anyway! But if you search MN with "citalopram" and "breastfeeding" you'll find loads of threads!!

Agree with everything the SuburbanDryad said.

I am a mental health nurse and we generally recommend that GPs refer to a Psychiatrist (usually as a one off) for specialist advice re medication if a woman is pg or b/f and an AD is being considered.

Also she is right re a "fast track" team - there should be a Crisis Team (may have a slightly different name) in every area, and woman with pnd should be given priority.

Hey, I can relate so much with this. You need to visit your GP preferably a female who you know will be sympathetic. Thats what I did and she was great. She put me on medication (which is still trying to kick in!) and referred me to councilling. The HV can be so so in my experience I've just been offered speaking and listening visits by one during my daughters 9-12 mth check and its amazing just how much I talked about how I was feeling. It really helped. In regards to your partner mines the same. He has started helping out a bit more (from time to time) which really infuriates me that he doesnt help all the time and hes not one for talking either so my depression usually doesnt gets mentioned. I gave him a leaflet to read on it (twice!) which he never read but it was only during an argument about him not understanding how I was feeling that he admitted he checked it out on the internet. If I was you; you need to go your GP get advice about the baby while your there; see your HV get some support; and just try and let your partners lack of help go over your head for a bit until you have that support in place. Maybe he'll help more once you've been diagnosed. If he doesnt help after that just dont do his washing or cook his meals as thats what Ive done with mine lol. He'll soon try and help out more. If your in merseyside area we could meet up?