DD doesn't want to go back to uni

[BigWillow]

I have 2 DC, DS19 and DD17, DD started uni this year (we’re in Scotland) at a uni in England.

DS has BPD (borderline personality disorder) and he's been mentioned 3 times. The longest one was November-July this year, during this he refused to see myself and DD. He believed we were against him, he blamed DD especially as she told the MH team he'd stopped taking his meds and he believed if she hadn't done that the section wouldn't have happened. Anyway, after he came home he was sectioned again a few weeks later and came home again at the end of September.

Things have been up and down, some days he's fine and happy and other times he's self harming by hitting his head on the wall which he does because he has no access to anything sharp. When he's feeling like that he also refuses to talk to us, I don't know if refusing is the right word though as he has said sometimes he doesn't feel he can talk and when he's like that talking to him triggers him more. He also hates anyone going into his room when he's asleep/trying to go to sleep. I think it's trauma from the sections as he was I'm 1:1’s a lot.

Anyway, DD came home for the weekend and DS was originally happy to see her and they are close. Yesterday was great, they went to the cinema and DD said it felt like the old him. Today he woke up and he was in a bad mood from the start, he's been struggling to sleep so I do think tiredness was a factor.

He’d been in his room for a while and DD went to check on him and ask if he wanted to do something, he was trying to sleep and it set him off and he was shouting at her and told her to leave him alone and go away and made a comment about how she was going to be leaving him again anyway. He did calm down and he's been okay this evening but DD has said to me she doesn't want to go back to uni, she said it wasn't about him but then mentioned how he'd already been hitting his head on the wall this week when she wasn't even here and her going would make him worse. I've told her that she doesn't have to live her life to fit around DS etc but she says I don't understand.

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I think you are right, but your daughter's feelings are understandable.

I would try and talk through it with her. What is her thinking? What does she picture things looking like if she followed this course? What kind of outcome would she be looking for?

You and I know that long term, her plan isn't a solution to your ds's problems. But she may need to talk out her feelings to see that herself.

Oh dear. You do understand and you want her to have her own life. When was she due to go back? They will be winding down for Christmas soon but even so. Tell her she can spend more time with him over the Christmas break and that isn't far away.

I am sorry. I would imagine she's scared of losing her brother and feels her staying would be doing all she could to stop that and he is the most important thing in the world. I can understand her feelings but I also would not want her dropping out of university.
I sent you a PM.

I can imagine she's scared about what's happening to her brother, but I think you have to be gently firm with her that people with MH issues can exhibit behaviours that play out as manipulative - he cannot, intentionally or mot, guilt trip her into giving up her life.

It's important for both of them they build independent lives, you can help him, but the best thing for all three of you is that she carries on with building her life.

It sounds like a v tough situation with your son OP, I am sorry.

I would imagine he is in intense distress but also may be jealous that her life is going well and his isn't. I would listen to her and let her say how she feels, tell her you want to understand but then stress he is your responsibility as his Mum not hers. It will be Christmas soon maybe you could think of something you both think might help to do then or things can get him for Christmas.

She was meant to go back to uni today

If this were my DD, I would encourage her not to feel responsible for DS, as she is not his parent.

I would also be reminding her that it would be advantageous to finish her degree (assuming that she has taken the student loans). I would discourage owing student loans without the earning potential of a degree behind her. Having the loans to repay without the degree is not a great outcome, TBH.