Toxic relationship, who is in the wrong?

[chrismaself]

Basically I am unsure who is in the wrong here.

I was in an extremely toxic and abusive relationship with an awful man.
I don't know where to start really as it's a mess.

We don't live together (more on that in abit).

We have DC who live with me, he will visit for a few hours a week and then go back to his flat in a different city 40 minutes away.

The reason I had to leave the city we are originally from was because the property I was living in was really bad for health reasons and the waiting list to be rehoused was 10 - 15 years.

At that point I was on maternity leave and we were going to rent a house privately and were looking until I got made redundant so I applied to a different council where I had a "local connection" and was housed within 6 months due to it being a small town.

Instead of having us live with him in his flat he was happy for me either to pay 6 months rent upfront or move away.

A year on he really is bitter about me moving away and not seeing the kids every day etc.
This has made him more abusive and makes him very nasty.

Again he he expects me to pay 6 months rent upfront or chip in with him towards a mortgage.

Now the abuse is getting worse.
He starts arguments in public and constantly embarrasses me.

I made him a lovely Sunday roast dinner which made him fall asleep and he was shouting that I should not of cooked for him as it made him not spend time with the kids as he fell asleep.

I have now told him that he the "relationship" has been over for months (since he refused to have us live in his flat) and he needs to stop coming into my home now and make plans to see the kids outside my home due to the abuse.

I was just trying to be nice and not upset the kids as he would drive 40 minutes and there isn't really much to do with the kids here to be honest.

Again I was met with "you have taken my kids away from me etc".

For Xmas I have told him I won't be buying him presents and he is not welcome to come for Xmas dinner.
He went nuts.

He would also usually expect me to buy his mum and siblings Xmas presents, again I have told him he will have to do it himself.

It is hard not having the help and the kids do miss their dad so much.
I have asked my parents for a loan to pay for 6 months rent upfront back to the city and they have agreed.

Again I have told him the house will not be for him to live in and again he will judge have to collect and drop the kids at the door.

He is just making me feel like I am the problem and I am the mad one.

AIBU?

Seriously, well done for having the courage to already communicate those boundaries. You've done everything that any sane minded poster will have told you to do.

The decisions you made to relocate to the smaller town were all borne from things out of your control, and if he didn't want you to stay at his flat, then he needs to take some accountability for the fact that he is not geographically close to his kids for that reason

I suggest you get legal advice to draw up a custody arrangement for the kids, although it sounds like he would be happy with the bare minimum

You have done the right thing for your own safety and mental health as well as for your kids. Him making you feel like you're the problem is just him projecting, which is what all the men of this ilk do.

Really sounds like you need to go through the legal processes and have custody/visitation arrangements put in place so that he is able to spend time with his children but without you having to interact with him as it does sound toxic. Why is he expecting you to pay rent to him when you don't live together?

I'm not sure why you're moving? Surely it isn't just to make his travel shorter?

If it's so he can help out with the kids more? Then I'd be wary as it sounds like he's more a hindrance than help, and he'll try throwing his weight around still.

@MrTumblesSpottyBoxers Thank you for your kind reply.

I just feel as if he blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life.
I am usually a happy person but even being near him makes me super depressed, I have relayed this to him many times.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home, he complaints too hot, "why have you got the living room door closed"? He just moans non stop.

I am really trying to establish boundaries with him but he won't set to a scheduled plan unless I am back in the city me and DC moved from.

@Eenameenadeeka - Sorry I meant he expects me to pay to rent a private property and pay 6 months rent upfront (due to me working part time and not being able to pass the affordability checks).

Also if you're in a housing association property I'd not be passing that up for the uncertainty of private rental again.

@Poppyseeds79
He is only able to see DC at weekend due to work.

I do find it quite hard looking after DC, my eldest does play up because he misses his dad.

He is a good dad as much as I hate to admit it and it would be easier for everyone if we lived in the same city.

Are you working part time currently though? Will it not mean a daily longer commute for you? Would the kids have to change schools?

Obviously completely do what's best for you of course. But I'd be reluctant to pop all my eggs in one basket for someone who sounds abusive, and might not be such a "great dad" once the kids don't play his way.

He is not a good dad if he shouts, criticises and insults you around the children.
He’s an abusive loser.

He is a good dad

No, he's not. Treats you like shit. You're the mother of his children.

How on earth is he a good dad?

Do not move out of your council property to a private rental. Do not move away from your family to his city.
And most importantly stop all non child related contact.
He is financially and emotionally abusive. He chose to force you to move city because he didn't want to support you and his children and then blame you for the consequences of his actions. He doesn't get to insist you move or blame you for the consequences of his actions. Be safe and dont let him in your home again and stop letting him boss you around, if he wants to see his kids more he can put the effort in and take them out or to his house overnight (but he'd have to actually parent instead of having you do it all).
Basically run from this abusive twat do not run to him

Well done on getting away from him. I would not give up your council house for a private rental. If he is so keen to see more of his kids he could move closer to you (but of course he won’t). As others have said, he is abusive to you, so it confirms you made the right decision to move. Keep going with maintaining those boundaries and try to reduce interaction with him. Out of interest, how long were you together and when would you say things became toxic? Looking back, was it from the start or was it when he had you pregnant and trapped?

He is nasty and abusive so you’re doing the right thing separating from him.

I wouldn’t be giving up the secure house you have.

A 40 minute drive is not excessive for him to visit his kids, he’s just a constant moaner.

Seriously @chrismaself you are worrying too much about what he expects and he wants. Put yourself first and also your kids. They are in a secure home so don’t risk that for him.