Needing a reality check on my dv situation

[NeedingASafeSpace]

im no longer with my ex abuser but these voices creeping in my head “maybe I should unblock him” “maybe he doesn’t want to go through my family member to see his son and he wants to text me” obviously there met with my actual thoughts of “fuck him, if he doesn’t want to see my son that’s on him he can go through my family to arrange”. I haven’t and won’t be unblocking him but I feel I’m coming off drugs with this. This shit is hard.

Focus on how your son will suffer if there’s any more drama, and that should stop you from contacting him

It does, which is why I haven’t contacted. That and he’s a POS. But it’s so hard it’s like coming off drugs. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD which apparently makes splitting from DV worse? Idk I wouldn’t know what it’s like from the other side.

I won’t pretend to understand OP

but stay strong. If not for your sake, for your child’s, who deserves a childhood not dominated by drama between his parents

So very true thank you x

I think you’ve identified the problem - it’s like coming off drugs. You’ve done so well to get this far so perhaps it’ll help to treat it like an addiction? Addictions are handled by taking it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Each time you ignore the internal monologue, you’re getting a little stronger, inching closer and closer to a better life. You can do it!!

Theres a reason your brain does this, its totally normal, dont go back, you just have to rewire your brain, and that takes time. All you have to do is get through the next day, and the next, or even the next hour.

You know why, just stay strong

I have a huge worry at the moment. I have gone 8 months without him before but I went back to him quite fast after he sold me the dream of a family unit. I kick myself for it because I’d have been so much further along now. I worry that if I wasn’t over him 8 months down the line, would I ever be? Do addicts truly “recover” or is it learning to live with the cravings. I do know that either way this is happening because the kids don’t deserve to see suffering or to learn how to be a bully /get bullied. I just worry and wonder if I’ll even not be emotionally invested. I have read a story recently whose lady’s abuser died in prison after years. She said she was glad because he could have got her back at any point… that’s a worrying statement

social services have presumably been involved

in am going to guess that if you do contact him, this will be viewed with considerable concern by SS

Exactly

And the trauma bond can be huge too

I used to get attacked so badly and woluld flee hours away and when I got there I would worry so much about the POS
Is he ok?
Have I upset him?

I would say this happened maybe 30 times in 2 years
Awful human

He was charged and we had a two week criminal court case

Walked off free because the system is fcked beyond comprehension

Sending you lots of good wishes OP

Fck

Him

Well yes absolutely

Think of the threat to you both

Please stay strong

Freedoms programme with women's aid is a total relaxation

Where can I get to the freedom programme? X

Have you had any therapy OP? It might be a good idea to help you work through these feelings, which are very common. You're doing so well, keep thinking of your safety and your son and get the support you need to keep moving forward.

I did it online but I think the in person ones are probably best.
Also read why does he do that by Lundy. That made the biggest difference.

if you happen to read French or are on good terms with ChatGPT Les Manipulateurs sont Parmi Nous is also bloody excellent. Go through the quizzes.

Contact women's aid asap

They are amazing

OP, you can buy the Freedom programme workbook online pretty cheaply, but I think its better to do it through your local DV organization - most of them do it. Feelings dont just turn off, however awful people are, so what is happening to you makes sense, but its really important you dont change anything you do in connection with him until you have had some specialist support.

One thing i'd suggest is keeping busy and changing up your routine.

Cook a recipe you saw amd liked.
Bake some choxolate crispy treat with your son.
Go to the cinema.
Buy a cross stitch kit
Put some youtube yoga on
Watch the godfather trilogy.
Do freedom program!
Read tge lundy book!
Make plans to see friends.
Get to the gym.

Do what you need to but DO NOT unblock/ get in touch / let him do pick ups/ whatever.

Keep doing what you are doing and keep him at a distance.

OP did you get to speak to anyone yet?

Do you know the details of women's aid in your area?