To start resenting my BIL

[AnaisVB]

My sister is married to a really lovely man. They have a three year old DD.

My BIL is a great partner and he adores my sister. He’s great with my kids, is close to all our massive family and has lovely friends, he works hard etc

BUT there is something driving a wedge between them and I can see it hurting my sister.

Basically whenever he goes out - which is fairly regularity due to his job- he tends to get really drunk and come home late and does stupid things . The latest is he got up in the night so drunk he thought the bedroom was the bathroom - you can see where this is going! Then he was too hungover the next morning to drive them a couple of hours to see some family . Or he comes home and even if it isn’t late he carries on having a drink and then is disruptive , playing guitar or not coming to bed until late . My sister works full time in a busy job and is fairly regularly missing sleep because of it . She also has had some health problems lately and is more tired than usual and I feel like he should be taking this more into account.

When he is sober and in the cold light of day he is always apologetic. They’ve even talked to a therapist about it (and the therapist has agreed with my sister that it feels unfair to her)

The other day my sister looked broken, she is feeling fed up and feels let down because he doesn’t seem able to change even though he says he will.

She doesn’t want to be a killjoy and is really relaxed about him seeing friends etc but now it feels like when he goes out she gets anxious because she is worried how the night will go.

Fyi They don’t have a spare room and when he comes in it’s quite disruptive as it’s only a two bed apartment.

Sidenote our mother was an alcoholic growing up and we might be really hypersensitive to alcohol related things, so it’s potentially triggering her, and she doesn’t know if she is being unreasonable.
Has anyone had similar or been able to address it?
It’s not my place to say anything but I’m worried about her and a bit him too, but I’m starting to feel annoyed with him because he’s making her unhappy and she’s not feeling heard . Does it sound like he has a problem or is it just normal?

Sorry for long message! x

Yes, it’s absolutely the behavior of an alcoholic - he can’t stop at a reasonable moment, he can’t control himself. The fact that he is lovely at the rest of the time ….well, it’s very popular type of an alcoholic. I met quite a few like this, my father was one of them, at the start, less so lovely down the line.
In a way I agree with PPs - they never change, they might but the price is always too high.
So if I were your sister I would give him an ultimatum to stop drinking now and I would mean it.

You mention it is funny or normal to your friends. I wonder if they are quite you young? Or if this is something cultural? A culture of blokes being blokes and getting legless. It’s an outdated idea of manhood. Hes a father he needs fucking grow up and stop acting like a student from the 90s. (I should add I was a student in the 90s).

Of my social circle we all like a drink and often socialise without our partners and we are quite capable of coming home, sneaking into bed, and falling asleep with disturbing each other.

To be honest I completely agree . I can drink a couple of drinks have a lovely time and come home and not be a dick. I can stop at a couple and have a healthy relationship with alcohol imo. We’re definitely not ‘young’ I’m early forties, he’s late thirties so definitely old enough to know better. But the other Dads we know some of them do get quite drunk still, working in the city especially and it feels normalised somehow. I know how it makes my sister feel though so and it feels like it’s crossing a line. It’s useful to hear these opinions x

Some alcoholics binge rather than drinking every day. Though the frequency may gradually increase in time. It's the fact that he gets so out of control that his drinking interferes with his everyday life and threatens his relationships that suggests a serious addiction which he probably needs help for.
The colleagues you mention who have the odd heavy night out are not doing their livers any favours, but it's a different relationship with alcohol.

My DH and I are both in an industry where there is a lot of business development which involves socialising and drinking. I have pretty much stopped all of that since having our children. DH has cut back but still goes out on average once a week. He was the same as your BIL - disruptive when he came home (even if he was actually trying to be quiet I just couldn’t sleep properly until I knew he was back and would get disturbed by the door etc) and so I have just said he needs to stay away when he’s out. We then have a fixed night I know he is out and it does not cause all the arguments it used to as I am much happier sorting out the children when I know that’s what I’ll be doing rather than it being because he’s too hungover to get up. Not sure it’s necessarily the ideal scenario but it has probably saved our marriage!

She isn’t going to leave him anytime soon so I guess an answer like this might be a place to start . I hope he can realise the impact it’s having on everyone!