Fed up with DPs work schedule - AIBU?

[JaneyMayJaneyMay]

Background: DP and I together for well over a decade, have 1 DC (in preschool). Has always been an element of working away/last minute schedule changes etc with DPs work, but also a large chunk of the year essentially working ‘office hours’. I work PT 3 days per week, although work almost full time hours (working at least 3 evenings per week once DC is in bed following a full working day, occasionally hours on weekend too when busy).

DP became a freelancer ~18 months ago, which meant the majority of his work would be away from home. His schedule is really varied through the year, and while some months he’ll be home the majority of the time, others he’ll only be home for a few days. His schedule is also rarely confirmed until last minute (e.g. won’t know start times for job until the day before) and can change at short notice.

Because of this I am solely responsible as default for DC and the home: all drop offs/pick ups/life and home admin/cooking/cleaning/childcare. I essentially have no life outside of work/parenting as I’m very rarely able to make childfree plans unless I ask family to babysit (very grateful for our parents!), even on months when his work is quiet. He is brilliant when home and is trying to make a real effort when he’s here, but can never pre-plan practical help or family time in case last minute work comes in and does need asking to do a lot of things (e.g. he’ll assume I’m still cooking/dropping off/picking up DC at childcare unless told otherwise).

When he changed his role we agreed the first year would be tough (i.e. I’d be picking up a lot of slack when he was away) but afterwards he would look to work more flexibly to support me with my job/social/hobby time etc and spend more time as a family. This has not happened, and he has essentially told me that it’s going to be ‘years’ until this will be a possibility. He works incredibly hard and I’m really proud of how successful he’s become in a short space of time, plus I can’t imagine how hard it must be being away from DC for weeks at once, but I’m becoming really resentful that he’s able to focus all his energy on work while I’m left behind trying (and failing) to juggle everything else. Work is absolutely his priority. I’m shattered, longing for a proper routine and DESPERATE for some me time outside of the house/without DC.

AIBU to feel like I’m getting a raw deal, or do I need to stop being dramatic and crack on?

You either work together to get you some help (nanny/babysitter/cleaner) and space and you accept his priority is his work.

Or you ask him to change jobs but I suspect he won't and it will be the beginning of the end of your relationship.

What you can't do is let resentment build out of control as that is also the beginning of the end.

You can take up all the slack for a finite amount of time but no timescale is not fair.

Has he made any commitment to you/your DC? Financial or legal for example?

He doesn’t seem to have made any time or energy commitment to you.

You keep the home fires burning and his child loved and looked after, and he gets to progress in his career, build his pension and maybe savings.

You have sacrificed your career, (pension?) and earning potential for a man who lives as he pleases and hasn’t legally committed to you.

If he just didn’t come home next week, could you afford to live? Do you own your home jointly, or do you rent? Does he pay considerably more into the joint(?) funds, due to you doing practically all of the housework, child raising and mental load?

I’m struggling to see what you get out of this arrangement.

Is ther an option to pay for dc to have an extra day in childcare so you cn have a day for yourself?

Are they starting school next year so you will have a couple days while they are in school?

Juggling some careers and kids is near on impossible and two parents working does mean sacrifice somewhere. I guess it is for you both to decide where.

Agree with @WelshRabBite You are not married. And you’re working part time. And doing everything at home. This is not in your best interests. Or in the best interests of your child.

How is your home owned? I would really start considering your financial position as well as your DOs attitude and priorities. And this is no way I would be sucking this up and getting on with it. He is prioritising himself and using your unpaid labour to do that. This is not ok

It sounds like you need some tangible, short-term help until the children are at school and the slack is eased off a bit. Would he be willing to pay towards a nanny/childminder who had the children a bit more regularly?

I hadn't picked up you aren't married.

He may be the loveliest bloke in the world but atm, you are facilitating him build a business, you have no claim on.

Look at this in cold hard facts.

If you split today, what position financially are you in? Now and in tbe future?

If you both considered the parenting load truly shared, then he needs to consider who does his 50%, and organise that.

(In reality of course, no couple’s life really works like that, and that’s ok). But what he’s doing is assuming that you will do his 50% without question or discussion, whenever he needs to be elsewhere, or perhaps his 40% given that some of it is covered by childcare. So you’re doing 90%. Discuss it in those terms. What solutions can he come up with?

You are funding his future while you leave yourself and your child vulnerable.

Mate, you aren’t even married?

You are in a vulnerable position here. Unless you’re about to inherit buckets of money, or similar, I would suggest marriage.

Why are you working additional unpaid hours? Stop it, or get
paid for them.

His business is going well? Great. That can pay for childcare, cleaner, ironing (if you go in for that) gardener etc.

You between you pay a regular babysitter so you do your regular hobby regardless if he there or not
Between you you pay household help cleaner

This, tell him you’re also going to go and work full time so between you you need to make plans.