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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So many evenings alone

53 replies

Cosywinter87 · 22/11/2025 20:09

I know the suggestions will be to join a club, how do I get over the anxiety around doing this? I just feel so lonely. Pretty much every evening I'm on my own. Tonight I feel like just going to bed now. Watching endless stuff on the TV.

OP posts:
Holluschickie · 22/11/2025 21:47

Book clubs are good because you can talk about the book. There is no wrong thing to say.

GaIadriel · 22/11/2025 21:53

Just pick something and go for it. I know it sounds like I'm making light of it, but it could genuinely be that easy. If it isn't for you then you just leave and try another.

Or you could join a gym. It'll be good for you and usually you start to get to know a few regulars. It'll at least get you out the house and you'll appreciate getting back and chilling out.

Cosywinter87 · 22/11/2025 21:58

Hedgehogbrown · 22/11/2025 21:21

You are only in your 30s , so get a second job in the evening. A fun one in a theatre or bar.

I already work long shifts so I dont really want to get a second job.

OP posts:
GaIadriel · 22/11/2025 22:00

Do you want company or to alleviate boredom?

GaIadriel · 22/11/2025 22:01

There's so many hobbies I'd like to do but just don't have time for. Sometimes I find myself turning my mates down because I'd rather chill on my own. Like tonight actually.

PermanentTemporary · 22/11/2025 22:03

Learn something? A musical instrument, a language, a MOOC?

Id agree that a book club is always great.

Yoga class is a very accepting space if you find the right one.

Cosywinter87 · 22/11/2025 22:03

GaIadriel · 22/11/2025 22:00

Do you want company or to alleviate boredom?

Both

OP posts:
Cosywinter87 · 22/11/2025 22:04

GaIadriel · 22/11/2025 22:01

There's so many hobbies I'd like to do but just don't have time for. Sometimes I find myself turning my mates down because I'd rather chill on my own. Like tonight actually.

Edited

Thats different though, choosing to be by yourself. My post is about being incredibly lonely because I spend basically every evening alone.

OP posts:
Holluschickie · 22/11/2025 22:06

The only way to solve this is by getting out there and joining clubs or an evenimg class..But you have to take that first step.

Ihatemondays1962 · 22/11/2025 22:07

A gym/yoga class would be a good option. You just turn up and no one else really notices who us there or not. Its really easy to chat to people in the 5 mins before or after the class. I've made a few friends this way.

Whowhatwhere21 · 22/11/2025 22:07

Do you have many friends OP? And do you actually want to be going out?
Im similar to you i guess, mid 30s and dont really good anywhere or do anything, but i am happy at home. Im not the type of person who needs to be out socialising.
It can feel lonely having no convo though, or just someone to have a chat with about whats going on in life or a little gossip.

So do you want to find things to do outside of the house, or do you just feel like you want people you can pick up the phone to and having a good natter over message?

SunnyDolly · 22/11/2025 22:09

Cosywinter87 · 22/11/2025 20:38

Yeah, I would go to bed if I thought i could sleep until morning but I'll just end up awake on my phone. Really struggle to have the focus for reading.

Don’t take the phone to your bedroom. Just leave it downstairs. Without it as a distraction you’ll quickly get in to a good book, then you could look in to local book clubs - they’re very welcoming!

HazelHedgehog · 22/11/2025 22:12

When I lived on my own I either went to the library or swimming , both meant I was out and about bit no pressure to talk and feel like a prat.

DoubleYellows · 22/11/2025 22:21

Why are there no other people in your life, OP? Do you have no friends you could reconnect with?

GrossGreed · 22/11/2025 22:29

Can you just decide you’re going to do some kind of class in the evening for your health? You don’t have to be sporty to do a random aerobics class or something. But just say to yourself that you are doing this for your cardiovascular health. If you meet people, have a chat to or even make friends that will be a bonus. But you are going for a different purpose, just to improve your fitness. That perspective could reduce the pressure maybe?

Nobody is going to come and find you and make this happen. You need to start this now. This week.

Vodka1 · 22/11/2025 23:38

Gaming? You can socialize with people without having to leave the house.

Whilst it's not the same as meeting in a group it may fill a void and kill some boredom/loneliness

Waveydavey63 · 23/11/2025 00:12

you mention indoor climbing - luckily for you

Waveydavey63 · 23/11/2025 00:16

you mention indoor climbing - luckily for you, it’s a sociable, friendly and supportive activity.
visit your local climbing wall and ask about what they offer solo climbers. Many have special ‘social’ evenings - great for meeting others. Also, bouldering requires no partner - though, again, you’ll find lots of support and friendliness from others.
Try it: I pretty much guarantee that it’ll be great for you

KookyPinkHare · 23/11/2025 01:17

Hi OP, I really recommend you read "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Its main message is that all of us feel fear in new situations etc, it's natural. However, some of us, mistakenly, take it as a signal to retreat. We tell ourselves, "When I feel more confident, then I'll do it," but the problem with this way of thinking is that the confidence only comes AFTER, having pushed through and AFTER having done the terrifying thing. If you wait until you feel ready and confident, it'll never happen! Understanding this makes a huge difference. When you're about to do something new, think, yes, I'm nervous, but I'm still going to do it. Take that first step. You can do it. Feel sick, feel stressed, worry about what impression you'll make.... but still do it! Sending love. x

Millytante · 23/11/2025 02:21

Cosywinter87 · 22/11/2025 22:04

Thats different though, choosing to be by yourself. My post is about being incredibly lonely because I spend basically every evening alone.

Is it too obvious and silly of me to suggest you find yourself a cat to love? (Especially an older one, whose owner has died)
Just having another heartbeat in the house, and an intelligent little face to draw your thoughts outwards and towards another living being! So good for the soul. (and for the cat)

Have you any outside space? Even a decent windowsill? Grow your own herbs, lettuce too. These too are living entities and there's an infectious energy there, quite apart from your spending time tending to your greenery.

Solitude, when it’s not sought deliberately as the preferred domestic setup, can still be an extremely positive way of life, as long as you reject all notions in your head that it’s a lesser option, in some way insufficient, etc.
If you can train your mind to revel in your independence and freedom, enthusiasm for pastimes you presently dismiss might flourish.
Reading is of course the great and wonderful indulgence available to those not beholden to others at home.
Get into the groove there, and devour something which will make you forget all about scrolling on your phone all night.
Great American 20th century novels; the shocking story of the Barbary pirates; the ‘she wolves’ of English history; Golden Age detective fiction.
Find your genre or subject, and let it ravish you!

Make the most of the gift of this freedom to amuse yourself, because all too soon you might partner up, and you’ll slash great chunks off such latitude.

BnuchOfCnuts · 23/11/2025 02:37

Gym - My friend met her partner at the gym, they both trained a lot, got chatting and now she’s also made friends with all the gym personal trainers.

Pilates studio - I’ve recently joined a Pilates studio in my area and only go to their evening classes (as I work 9-5). The studio put on themed nights and organise events and meet ups it’s great. (And this is for a semi rural area too, we’re not in a city)

Gigs - go to any local gigs that you’re interested in and get talking to people. So many people go to gigs alone and make friends.

Volunteer - look for any local charities or events that need volunteers. In the run up to Christmas there may be soup kitchens, Christmas markets etc. that need a helping hand.

It’s scary but you just need to put yourself out there. I totally get it though, I’m single, in my 30’s and very reserved/shy. You just need to bite the bullet and keep at it. You need a hobby or some kind of purpose in life, watching telly every evening isn’t good for mental health.

d317 · 23/11/2025 04:25

Long chats with your bestie on the phone, good tv dramas, nice bits to eat, sort paperwork, get involved in one of your interests. If your job is long hours then being away from people is a nice breather ?

Goodadvice1980 · 23/11/2025 07:59

Join a gym / sports club
Voluntary work (endless options here)
Foster animals (& save lives!)
Join fbook / social media meet up groups
Crafting (especially this time of year)

Hope you find something you like OP.

Glitchymn1 · 23/11/2025 08:05

Friendship site, like a dating site? Everyone is in the same boat, lonely and looking for friends.

Blanketenvy · 23/11/2025 08:14

I spend almost all of my evening's alone.
I go to bed very early (but do have a chronic illness so am very fatigued)
I have pets which helps.
If feeling up to it- little bits of diy, crafty stuff-getting absorbed in a project, eve walk in summer, online yoga class, bath.
Mostly just watching TV though -finding a series that I can get really into helps.