Selfish dh or self preservation?

[notactuallymyname]

So dh and I met when I was 29 and he was 24, when I hit early thirties we discussed having children. I ideally wanted kids around that age, dh wasn’t ready and wanted to save for a bigger house.
I had always used the pill as contraception, when I was 36 we decided to start trying. I got pregnant fairly quickly and had our son at 37, it was a difficult pregnancy (for me)I had migraines, sickness, back pain and really struggled with energy levels.
DS was born with additional needs and his early years were very hard, that coupled with caring for my end of life mother, dh working long hours plus me working meant life was very difficult and I had a breakdown. It took a couple of years for me to fully recover and I lost my career as a result. Ds needs are complex and he will likely need support long term, we decided not to have any more children as I didn’t think i would cope.
After DS was born I had the coil fitted but had it removed a couple of years later due to wondering if hormones were contributing to my mental health issues. I dint want more artificial hormones so I asked dh (who was 35 ) to get a vasectomy and he said he would think about it.
We are now 6 years on and still using condoms I asked him today if he would ever get the vasectomy and he said probably not as we can probably stop using contraceptives soon (I’m 46 and perimenopausal) I pointed out that it’s recommended not to stop until a year after periods stop (they haven’t) or 55 which is nearly 10 more years.

He then said he doesn’t really want to put himself through a procedure that would cause him pain and potentially be detrimental to his health (I asked him to clarify and he said all procedures have risk of complications)

This has got me thinking-
i took artificial hormones for years to prevent pregnancy at his request.
I waited until I was older to have a baby at his request which ultimately made my life more difficult (with the timing of my mothers ill health)
I went through pregnancy (which has significantly more health risks than a vasectomy)

But dh doesn’t want a vasectomy for the benefit of his own health. Should I have considered my health more rather than blindly going along with what dh wanted. ? Or is dh being selfish to put his needs first but not considered my needs along the way?

I'd reflect that back to him, start considering myself rather than his needs and say I'm not willing to put myself through a procedure (sex) that would be detrimental to my health and result in pregnancy, so i'm not going to have sex with you until I'm at least one year post menopause.

It is very important that this is not an ultimatum. You're not saying this to change his mind, its not coercive.

He is being selfish considering his own needs. Consider your health and needs.

Thank you it has made me consider why I wasn’t advocating for my health over the past 15 years.

You are absolutely in the right to refuse to continue taking hormonal contraception due to the potential health effects on you. But at the same time he's got the right to refuse to have a vasectomy due to his perception of the potential risks on him.

If he was refusing to use condoms then I'd absolutely agree that he's being unreasonable but that doesn't seem to be the case. He's taking responsibility for contraception, albeit in a way that you don't think is the best way. What is it about continuing to use condoms that you're not happy about? Reliability? The faff of having to pause things to put one on? Or something else?

No method is 100% guaranteed against conception aside from abstinence. And a condom break or fail results in OP again having to take additional hormones, the morning after pill or she is at risk of pregnancy and could be considering an abortion.

DH isnt taking responsibility for contraception, he's sticking a condom on. Thats minimal effort with zero risk.

Sure, condoms aren't guaranteed. But neither is vasectomy. Or hormonal contraception.

How is him willingly using a condom every time they have sex any less taking direct and personal responsibility for contraception than the time that OP swallowed a tablet every day? In both cases it's a recognised and reasonably effective method of contraception. And condoms have far fewer potential side-effects than hormonal contraception for women, or vasectomy for men, have.

There have been countless threads on MN about men who have refused to have a vasectomy and nevertheless still expect unprotected PIV sex. In pretty much all of those threads the MN response has been "either he puts a condom on or you don't have sex with him" and I'd unhesitatingly agree with that. But that's not the case here. He's putting a condom on. What's the problem?

Because his putting a condom on carries absolutely no risk to himself. The condom slip, rolls up, fails, for whatever reason. Its not a risk to him. Oh no OP what will YOU do? Morning after pill, take a risk or deal with pregnancy. OP is the one who has to deal with the fallout. Yes a condom is simple, but if OP wants to absolutely avoid pregnancy (sound like she does), then whilst she is fertile she hasn't much choice.

DH rode the wave for 6 yrs, "I'll think about it, carry on taking the pill" - with absolutely no consideration for OP. And now he turns round and says he doesnt want to go through a procedure that might carry risk. That in itself should tell OP enough.

Frankly disgusting, I think any love i held for him would evaporate.

@toomuchfaff You seem to be saying that him taking personal responsibility for contraception isn't enough. For you, it's a tit-for-tat thing where he has to take some kind of direct personal risk to his health for him to appear sincere in his desire not to reproduce.

Frankly, that's a deeply bizarre and weirdly transactional approach to relationships. Do you really keep score like this with your DP?

I guess it’s slightly less enjoyable with condoms plus the cost. They are not major factors really . I guess I’m annoyed that I’ve made decisions that impacted my health but benefitted him but he has made the choice to put himself first. I’m more annoyed at myself really.

I see your point. As I said I’m more annoyed that I didn’t advocate for myself better.

No i don't, I was advocating for OP given the previous comments.