Going on holiday in term time

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I’ve been divorced for 5 years, am coparenting teens 50/50 and in a lovely new relationship - we’ve been together for over a year, have met each others kids and been on holiday as a blended family together, which went well. We’re hoping to travel to Thailand in Jan/Feb for 2.5 weeks, just the 2 of us, as we’re not bound to school holidays this academic year (I’m in full time education next academic year) and flights are a lot cheaper. However, exH and DD1 (15) are against us going then, as they think we should only travel during school holidays “as that’s traditionally when people travel” and DD1 gets jealous when I spend time with my boyfriend - she’d rather I was with someone I “didn’t like as much”.

ExH doesn’t want to look after the kids during term time as he thinks it’s more difficult (which I don’t understand given they’re occupied at school for most of the day). Notably, ExH has been surfing in Sri Lanka for a 3 week stint this summer, and is planning on going to Japan for 2 weeks over new year - both during the school hols though - which I readily agreed to look after the kids for. DD1 thinks it’s ok that her dad went/is going on holiday as he goes by himself for “self-improvement reasons”, but is offended that I want to go away with my boyfriend as she feels that I’d rather spend time with him than her. I’ve offered to take them on holiday another time. She’s very happy to be looked after by her dad, that’s not an issue. DD2 is unbothered either way.

I’m bewildered by their responses. AIBU for wanting to go away during term time? Should we just suck it up and not go, or go during the holidays - next year when I’ve saved more money? Not quite sure what to do to reassure DD1 of my love for her, and how to communicate with ExH.

For me, I wouldn’t go. It feels a bit me, me, me. It pushes DD away. So no. Wait until she’s at university.

Time to tell DD1 to suck it up. She’s obviously feeling threatened by BF so explain to her that being with someone makes your love for her no less. I’m sure you have but reiterating will help. If ex DH can go away, then so can you.

Does your DD get on well with her Dad? Is it easy for her to get to school from his? Or closer to you and she will miss you? The 'only go on holiday during school holidays' is probably a red herring, she just doesn't want you to go and trying to find reasons.

I think the OP said it is just the two of them, her children aren't going.

I don't think the timing of the holiday is an issue. DD1 doesn't like your partner does she? I'm not sure that your blended holiday went as well as you think it did perhaps? I think you need to get to the bottom of why she feels this way. I'm not saying you shouldn't go, I'm not saying I understand this whole 'term time' argument, but I would be concerned if my child said they didn't like how I behaved when I was with my partner - whether they are right or wrong.

DD1 says she knows that I don’t love her less and that my love isn’t limited, but that my time is. I’ve offered to have the kids for a 2.5 week stint during term time later in the year but that’s not placated them.

It’d just be my BF and I travelling.

No you shouldn’t have to go on holidays at certain times and pay more just because ‘you just should’ that’s crazy!!

But it sounds like your daughter doesn’t like your boyfriend. That’s important to listen to her even if she is not able to explain it.

So they’re fine with dad going away for a few weeks but not mum??

Right so she feels she is missing out on time with you then. That's a big thing for a child to feel. For you it's measured in units, but for her it's being deprived of you being around. Have you spoken about how you will keep in touch while you are away? Would that help? Daily video call check in maybe?

Yes it does seem this way. I’ve checked and double checked with her whether she’s ok around him, and she is, he’s very lovely to her too - it’s just my being with him makes her feel like I’m not paying her as much attention.

I think it should be absolutely fine for you to be away in the term time, when the children can be with their Dad. I'd be more concerned about why she feels that way though, it sounds a bit strange how jealous she is about it.

Yes I think I have caught up now and responded above - she's worried about being replaced in your affections (even if that is not rational) and the way in which that is currently manifesting is her not being able to spend time with you while you are away. I think you need a system (like a daily check in) and maybe think about making the holiday a little shorter if you can. She's feeling precarious and this is how it is being expressed. And it makes sense in terms of the term time argument too because she knows that she can't come with you for that reason. I'm leaving the ex out of this because other than him having to be the main parent during that time (as you have been when he has been away) then his opinion is largely irrelevant, other than him caring about how DD is feeling of course, which is valid.

Is your ex still single? (You say he goes away alone).

I don’t think term time is really the problem, that’s just the excuse being given. The problem is that your DD doesn’t like your new partner. The question is whether she has a problem with this specific partner or if she would have a problem with ANY partner?

Can you time it so partly over half term so they can come and join you for a week, so you get both time as a family and time as a couple?
It's also a difficult age, with all the exam pressures etc and probably just looking for stability.
DH and I are together and my girls get on well with both of us. But my DD1 really struggles when I go away for work for even a couple nights, lots of calls and texts and DH says she somehow just can't 'settle' when I'm not there. I expect your DD feels like 2.5 weeks is too long a time for her not to see you. Thailand will still be there in a few years and I personally would wait a bit.
They do miss DH when he goes away, but it's nowhere near the same intensity. Sounds like she feels you are choosing your new partner over her, he could be the nicest person in the world, and she would still struggle with that. Maybe start with a shorter trip?

ExH is on/off single - has had a few 3 months relationships and has introduced the kids to them, and been on holiday with them, which the kids seemed fine with.

I think the issue is not at all specific to my boyfriend, I understand it to be more because he and I are serious about each other - I’m happy and there’s no chance of getting back with her dad, which she’s upset about. She’s also worried that when she goes to university in 5 years time we will get married and move in together and his daughter will come and take over her bedroom!

She’s ultimately worried about being replaced in my affections but isn’t reassured by anything I say. I’m going to try and connect with her more.

Why would she be worried about loosing her bedroom? Presumably you have told her that her bedroom will always be her bedroom to come back to during termtime holidays? That should be an absolute non negotiable. You have only been with you bf for a year, who knows what will happen, it's strange she is thinking 5 years ahead to marriage when it's such early days. Have you even mentioned marriage and him moving in around her?

Yep, everyone has agreed that the issue isn't the boyfriend himself, it seems to be a perception that she feels you are putting him and potentially his daughter ahead of her if she has this idea that she might lose her bedroom to a new partners child.

How old is your youngest? I think you deserve a life too OP. However after dating 1 year I think a holiday for 1 week is more reasonable to start off with.

Terrible advise. Presumably OPs DD is closer to her mother which isn't unusual. 2.5 weeks is a long time. I understand that it is unfair that often the fathers are free to do whatever however OP is the resident parent. She needs to suck it up.

Maybe explain to your DD that you'll be bound by academic year as well since the next year, so it isn't something you would plan to do all the time.
And ask her if there is anything that would help her - special weekend with you without him, ...