To think marrying a man who’s stingy with his money but loud about yours is a special kind of hell?

[NotYourFinancialPlan]

I don’t care what anyone says - if you marry a man who’s tight-fisted with his own money but constantly has opinions about how you spend yours, that’s a one-way ticket to misery.

The type who acts like every pound he earns is sacred but wants full access to your finances. The type who doesn’t offer to contribute but has plenty to say if you buy something for yourself. The type who’s quick to call you “reckless” but is never generous unless it benefits him.

AIBU to think this dynamic is more common than people admit and that it’s one of the most draining, disrespectful forms of control?

Because the way I see it: if you’re not contributing, you don’t get commentary. And if you are contributing, it better come with respect, not entitlement.

YANBU but many women ignore very clear signs early on, especially with money because they want stability and a relationship.

These men are to be avoided like the plague.

I don’t know a single man like this who wasn’t like this from young.

Women need to stop deluding themselves that marriage and kids will turn a stingy git into Mr Generosity.

Can you give some more info? This sounds unbearable.

Do you both work?

Do you earn very disparate amounts? How do you split costs?

Why does he think he should have access to your accounts?

I don't normally do this, but that applies to both sexes. Read posts on here were men aren't allowed to spend money to game etc. You've got to throughly talk through finances before getting together and maternity leave shouldn't be supplemented by savings!

I voted YANBU but honestly don’t know any men like this. Only seen it on mumsnet.

I hope you are not in this situation currently.

My Dad is 100% like this. My mum set up a successful business alongside her say job and he takes the profit! Doesn't let her have it - and it's so ridiculous that she can't afford the new stock and has to spend her wages on it, as he won't let her take the money out of the profit he collects.

I've tried talking to them both about it / saying it has to change but I get nowhere.

Incidentally me and DH split all finances 50/50, so at least I learnt what not to do from my parents

The woman chose to marry him.

Just being stingy is bad enough.

That's straight-up financial abuse. If they were my parents I'd be reporting to police, not merely 'talking to them'. Your mum is obviously not strong enough to stand up to him, so of course it'll never change.

Kind of your own fault if you marry a knobhead tbf. 🤣

Oh 100% it's financial abuse, I've said it to both of them a thousand times. The reality is though the police won't do anything if they both refuse to say there's any problem (and technically mum does have access to their joint accounts/money, but she doesn't have a card and makes no effort to get one from the bank, so Dad just controls it all).

Awful. This is my ex husband, and my life before I got rid. Out of many miserable examples, I once lent him money (and it was thousands, not £20 - yes, I was an idiot abusively controlled) which he then refused to give back on the basis ‘you will buy things I don’t approve of’.

Well why would anyone think of marrying one let alone actually do it, why do people not have standards?

But women shouldn't dictate what men do with their money either

Think how many times Donald Trump has been married, or Elon Musk, or Boris Johnson. Low self esteem whilst no laughing matter is commonplace.

YANBU, but why the hell do people marry/live with/whatever wankers whose behaviour must have at least had some prior indicators?

YANBU at all, but I would say it extends to other areas too. Just marrying a guy who finds faults with you often is dreadful.

an odd op.
of course men or people like that are utterly awful. I’ve never met one, wouldn’t marry one if I did, and if I did, I’d be getting a divorce faster than a chicken.
I hope you’re not in the position op, and if you are, I hope you can get out.

It's quite easy not to marry these men.

It's quite easy not to have them in your life at all.

Not if they’re your dad.

Well obviously you're not wrong but it doesn't seem to make any difference. Supposedly there's a male loneliness epidemic, but so many terrible men are married or in relationships. Men who are constantly fretting about what women are bringing to the table when the "table" is actually just an upturned crate they pinched from the last Tesco delivery are just the tip of the iceberg.

I tend to think they are not lonely enough and until women altogether stop accepting terrible men, men will continue to be terrible. We also need to stop trying to spare their feelings with silly platitudes like, "You're just too nice for me," because they believe that and go around telling everyone they are unwanted due to their uncommon level of niceness and think they can afford to be even less nice than they were, which wasn't very.

More men need telling, "I don't want to date you because you are a terrible stingy/ rude/ obnoxious/ entitled/ arrogant/ unhygienic/ lazy/ immature/ incompetent twunt, and you need to do some serious work on yourself before you get near a woman."