To not contact friend until she contacts me..?!

[fitch568]

I’m always the one reaching out. We don’t live close anymore so most communication is on what’s app. I’ve sent last 2 msgs & no response. Before that she’d sometimes reply, but when I look back at our conversations it’s def more me making effort than her. We used to be really close & nothing nasty ever happened between us. I know she’s busy. She knows I’ve got some big stuff going on..& it’s been 3 months now & she’s not msged or asked me how things are going.. part of me wants to just msg as I miss her & it is silly playing games, the other part thinks, maybe I just don’t mean that much to her anymore. I get friendships drift… just disappointed this has I guess. Would you reach out again or let it be?

Yeah leave it to her. It’s painful when this happens.

this was me! I was always messaging friends and then not getting replies until weeks/months later. it got me really down and so I decided to focus on me. I made sure I was busy doing things in the evening/weekend. I focused on my career and now when they text me, I take MY time to reply. I know some people might think it's petty but it doesn't make me feel crap anymore. Since I'm busier as well I don't feel the same anymore. I think that some people are really bad at communicating so now I just give the same energy back.

On the one hand I say leave it. It’s not worth feeling like this.

But some people are just shit at communicating. It might not be just a you thing. If you do miss her you can try again. It’s just about how you will feel if she doesn’t respond. That’s the only thing to assess.

Or she's busy and might like a message from you. Sitting on your hands until your friend fails a test she doesn't even know she's taking is childish.

Don’t think of it as playing games, or testing her to see if she gets in touch. Think of it as removing some of your investment from this friendship so you can put it elsewhere.

She doesn’t have capacity right now for the level of engagement you want from her. Even if what you’re wanting isn’t much - if she doesn’t have it to give, she doesn’t have it to give. It’s not necessarily personal.

But if you are feeling lonely you need to take back some of the energy you move assigned to this friendship and put it into other relationships and activities that sustain you.

Some (many) people are shit at communicating and maybe you’re happy to do the heavy lifting. But also you have to think about what you want in a friendship and whether this angst is it. I just started a thread the other day on a similar situation and decided on balance that I’m not up for it anymore. I want to feel like I matter in a friendship so I’m letting it go. It’s sad and it hurts but it will pass.

I'd still message Christmas and birthday. Otherwise leave some space.

I'm neurodiverse so I overestimate friendships, whilst also being rubbish at keeping in touch.

I have a three message rule. If I message them three times and get no reply then i dont message again.
If I look back through messages and they've messaged three times and I haven't responded, I'll send an apology text and suggest a meet up with an idea of what to do.

So in your situation I'd message again saying you hadn't heard from them for a while, ask if they're ok and say you're free for a meet up if they want to get in touch. Then I'd leave it.

When I stopped messaging I found it astonishing how many people fell away.
I was always the one who organised the trips out, the collections for birthdays etc; then I was quite seriously ill and stopped.

The people who had sat on my sofa in tears seeking advice, those I had babysat their kids etc, those who I had rushed about for...nothing, nada.

Oh x is so busy - how many minutes does it take to send a text?
We give people excuses, we shouldn't.

She is obviously not a true friend especially if you are going through a tough time and she knows that. I would put her behind you and move on

I don’t think you’re playing games. You’ve sent the past 2 messages and had no response. How long do people think you should keep messaging? What’s the point. I would move on and focus on people who appreciate your time.

and if this doesn’t bring any kind of response you’ve got your answer.

I’m in that situation too OP - it’s been me making the effort for years now. It’s a shame but if she wanted to she would. Lives often divert and I feel pretty stupid for trying to keep things going all this time now I’ve twigged that she’s just not interested.

Yep, many "friends" do this. I wouldn't text again. I might, however, because it's the time of year send a Christmas card in the post and see if you get one back. But I wouldn't text again.

Its not game playing.
Its matching her energy.
Chasing people is never a good look and it wrecks self esteem.

These responses are very reassuring, I hate to be ‘petty’ about these things but you’re all right- I’ve got plenty of other friends so sad as it is, I’m gonna let this one go.

Had it too op. Gets disheartening. One is juggling elder parent at wends and busy. Fair enough. I def feel Im always the one reaching out. Then oh cant do this date etc. At that point I lose interest if non comittal..

If something big is going on in life, I would expect a friend, if they were indeed a friend, and presuming they knew about it, to at least text and check on how I was.

Otherwise, it would probably dawn on me that they weren't a friend, perhaps I'd been mistaken all this time.

I match the energy now but people dont put in efforts now.

I think you need to let this friendship go. I think it can be hard to keep friendships going without shared activities. Some will survive without the regularity and others won't. A lot of people are busy and also socially lazy, and it shouldn't be on you to do all the running. I think the laziness has increased since covid. But I wouldn't bare a grudge as it may change in the future if your lives bring you together again.

I would focus your energy on the people who do want to spend time with you, even if that's only 1 or 2 people. It's hard really to have more than a couple of genuinely close friends in reality.

First of all, busy is a choice. Literally no one is too busy to reply to a text within a day or two.

People always say in these threads that some people are just shit at communicating in general, and it's not true. I'm only shit at communicating with people I can't be arsed with. People I like get a reply same/next day.

You’ve messaged her twice already.
Don’t message her again.

If someone wants to talk to you they will.

Its so sad but you can’t force someone to want to speak to you.

Focus on finding other friends who appreciate your effort.

I am awful at replying!

I do not have access to my phone during working hours and then when I’m home I’m cooking, cleaning, life admin, replying to other people etc.
I work FT and study and I’m a single parent.
So I am not great at replying within a couple of hours, as I simply don’t use my phone much.

However, I will always reply and most of the time it’s on the same day or day after.
I wouldn’t not reply for days on end.

If someone wants to talk to you then they will.

Try calling and having a chat. If no reply leave it. She knows where you are.
A call would be good in this instance.