Friend telling me she mocked my abuse to partner

[blatant111blatant]

I was in a marriage for over 10 years where I was abused.
in the last year of it I was in touch with Women’s Aid and other DA organisations.
I never told anyone anything until right at the end. I told my mum and a friend what had been happening.

The friend hasn’t always been a good friend but she was a ‘constant’ person in my life. She had treated me badly in the past but she was one of my only friends.

Anyway, I told her several things that had happened.
one day she told me that she and her husband use a sentence together to laugh about (calling each other) which is something my ex used to say to me that was very humiliating and degrading. She laughed and said “sorry I know I shouldn’t laugh but it’s so funny when he does it”. I didn’t really know how to respond.

Then another time we were meeting up and an old school friend I haven’t seen for years (who my friend is still in touch with) was meeting us also. Just as we walked into the cafe my friend said “by the way I’ve told her about your ex”. So I asked “what about my ex? How much? What have you said”. Her response was “that your ex is a psycho and what happened”.
so I felt uncomfortable because I had no intention of revealing anything to this old school friend but now she knew everything as my friend had told her.

Although she seems to take what happened to me seriously in some ways, these things have stayed on my mind. I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive but i wonder how many people she’s ‘gossiped’ about to me. And I feel hurt she could use something I told her as a joke between her and her husband. And honestly, telling her the sentence in the first place was completely humiliating and I haven’t told many people apart from a couple of close friends and my therapist.

"I’ve been distancing myself over the last few weeks and seeing her less..."

Keep increasing that distance OP. She needs to get to the far side of fuck and then keep going. She is definitely no friend. Having no friends is better than one like that.

I would stop being friends with her and if anyone asks why, I’d also tell them the truth.

She's a bully and not someone you should have in your life.

She is absolutely awful. How could anyone mock and make their friend's awful traumatic DV survival into a cutesy in joke with their partner?! And then tell the friend they do so? While laughing?!

She is either a psychopath or literally just a cunt.

I'd not speak to her again if I were you.

I'm so sorry for what happened and well done for getting away from your abuser. X

She’s a vile, horrible excuse for a person and her behaviour is appalling. I’m glad you are now seeing her for what she is before she can abuse you further. Please do cut her out of your life, she’s poison. X

This person has shown you who she is more than once. Bin her, before she does something that really wrecks your life.

Awful woman. Do not see her again. This won’t be the only time, it’s the time she’s chosen to tell you about for her own amusement and to see how you react.

A bully.

Get her so far to fuck. In fact, give me her number and I'll do it for you.

@JudgeBread
yes, it’s absolutely true. She’s been in my life for many years but I know she hasn’t always been good to me and recently I’m realising how much her disrespect has affected me.
I left a marriage where I’d been abused, and treated awfully. And telling her what had happened was really horrible. Especially because so much of it was humiliating for me really.

I know she and her husband are unhappy in their marriage. And a part of me does feel like she took what I was telling her as entertainment. I’ve been out of my marriage now for over a year and it’s making me realise more who my actual friends are

I'm sorry this person is doing this to you OP. I used to have a friend that tried similar. She would bring up things she knew would make me feel uncomfortable at inappropriate times and watch my reaction. 'Used to' being the most important bit of that.

She's taking pleasure for herself in embarrassing you and trying to make you feel small. You know exactly what sort of person does that. You got rid of one. Time to get rid of the other.

Read up on detachment-the process of becoming un-enmeshed with toxic people. You have learnt that relationships = sacrificing yourself and seem to have a pattern of ignoring your own feelings about whether you have been hurt or not. Work on your relationship with yourself and be the friend/parent/partner you always deserved. Love yourself, work out how you are feeling and what you need to be happy and loved by yourself first of all. I’m sorry people have been so shit to you, I hope you’re able learn how to step away quickly and without apology if you come across people like your ex and this friend in the future.

She’s a nasty piece of work. Send her a link to this thread and block! x

You have reached a very important milestone @blatant111blatant. You are now free from the abuse in your marriage and are now strong enough to identify how other people treat you. By questioning her behaviour, you are showing that you know that you are worth more.

Other posters are absolutely right. She is no friend. The fact that she told you what has been said about you in jest is very revealing. She wants you to feel uncomfortable. She enjoys it.

Walk away from her. Keep going with your therapy. Keep building your strength and confidence. Surround yourself with people actually care and want the best for you. Above all, congratulate yourself on having the courage to question and not accept her behaviour.

This^^

I had 'friend' like this for many years. I know she was toxic but I was so isolated and she was my only friend... In the end it dawned on me. I would rather have no friends than have her as my only friend.

Once I stopped talking to her I found it much easier to make friends as I was happier and had so much more confidence. Even when I've ended up quite isolated again I was able to cope as I actually like myself now I haven't got someone constantly putting me down.

@Blarghism
i’m sorry this happened for you.
The thing is, I do have a couple of other good friends. Friends who are kind and supportive and who would never make fun of what I went through. They would never mock or joke about what happened.

I think it’s just because this friend, I’ve had her in my life since we were teenagers. So she’s always been there even though she hasn’t been emotionally supportive.
she’s also the one who I see more frequently than the others who I don’t get to see as often. But I am seeing her a lot less lately. Because I’m seeing how harmful she’s been to me in the past

@CagneyNYPD1
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Yes, I did find it very strange that she told me that they did that.

She also said that she and her husband would talk to each other about what I was going through, and saying that they wouldn’t have been surprised if there had been a Netflix documentary about my relationship after I had been murdered (by my ex) and that she would be asked to talk about the relationship and about how I was as a friend. And how she’d tell them how awful my ex was and how good I was.

I remember thinking if she thought it was that bad that it could end up on a Netflix documentary after me being murdered, why hadn’t she been more supportive. I didn’t say it to her at the time. But I remember thinking she clearly knew how horrendous it was for me from what I told her yet she was still using what I had told her as an entertainment with her husband.

Good grief @blatant111blatantit gets worse and worse. Your so-called friend would make up scenarios about what she would say to Netflix if you had been murdered?! And she told you about it. She is absolutely toxic. I very rarely say this term but she definitely has narcissistic tendencies.