Have no friends

[Bernie23]

Feeling a bit hmmm. I’m in my 40s & feel
like I have no friends. The friends I had growing up I might only see once a year if that as they live hours away and we don’t really text unless occasionally meeting up.
I always read about women being friends with the parents of their kids friends from play dates or friends with mums from school pick up but I’m actually a teacher at my children’s school. It’s awkward and it doesn’t really allow you to be develop friendships as they just see me as a teacher.
I’m working during pick up times so that stops any chance of seeing/chatting others.
I’m friendly with everyone at work but anytime I mentioned meeting up after work or weekend with one two in particular they be like oh we should make sure everyone else knows and ask do they want to come out.
I do go to a gym and am friendly and chat to others but not to the extent I’d meet anyone outside of it. At the minute I can barely fit that in with work and family life so thinking about joining another group or hobby to meet people just seems impossible.
I hear other women talk about going for afternoon teas, brunches, nights out, what’s app groups with the girls’ and it’s like a stab in the chest.

I'm the same, but I'm not actually bothered at all and prefer the peace and drama free life! I don't think it's as unusual or uncommon as you think. I've seen so many posts on here about exactly the same issue.
I'm not really sure what to suggest meeting people wise -it is really difficult to meet new people when you work and lead a busy life, especially when you can't cram anything else in. Keep chatting at the gym -do you do any actual classes? I did crossfit for years and the group was great and very sociable. I now do my workouts at home, but it was a great place to meet people and go out if you wanted to.

I hear you. Just tonight ive seen a photo on facebook of 3 'mum friends' out for the night. I understand now that im only useful for free lifts for their children, not for a night out.

It's really difficult when your friends are far away.

No advice, but understanding.

If you work full time and have a family, it's difficult to find time. You are definitely not alone in this.

I've never made mum friends! I think many types of friends are temporary and situational. I've been to their homes and them to mine for dropping off for playdates etc, but wouldn't say friends.

Yes as you get older, for me anyway, friendships get fewer, people move away, have families and friendships aren't much of a priority anymore.

Thanks, yes I’m in classes but other than just general chit chat before class starts no other real opportunity to develop friendships

Sometimes it’s luck of the draw. A hobby is a good idea but do you really want this or is it just fomo? Some people have good friends but a lot of mum friendships can be superficial, and I find that draining!

I've done various things over the years. The ones that I've made friends at have been amateur dramatics and a sports team. I was a complete beginner at the sport.

A few years ago my social life was basically nil and these days I'm spoilt for nights out, trips, weekends away. I have to turn stuff to get a quiet weekend sometimes. Have hope!

Many a thing I've given a good go and realised I was never going to make friends through it. Mostly enjoyed the things regardless though.

Same here. Missed out on all the school pick ups etc as DH died when DS was tiny, so I had my head down trying to get to grips with keeping everything going. And then had no choice but to use full wrap around care so didn’t do the whole playground thing. It does bother me as i don’t have much family, so it’s a pretty lonely life.

IME, the easiest way to make lasting friendships is through church.

I would join Bumble on the friends setting or look at meet-up.com groups. These are targeted to people wanting to make actual friends so perhaps people are more likely to invest time and effort?

With regards to the value of friendships, I might be a bit jaded but as I am getting older, I am getting a tad disillusioned with it. I have friends, but recently it is seeming like it's always me putting in all the effort. People of course have no issue contacting me when they want something 🙄

It has made me wonder if these friends have always been so selfish and I just havent noticed it, or if they are getting more that was as we get to our 40s/50s.
I dont know, but I miss my 20s and 30s friendships when we were all so close and had fun together. Nowadays it feels like noone can be arsed and it's sad. Its actually made me wonder if friendships are even worth the effort if its only me keeping all the plates spinning.

Dog walking can be a great way to find friends! Although appreciate it might not fit around your work life. There are also walking groups, netball, crochet groups etc. It does take time to build acquaintances to friendships.

Maybe you need a hobby that's at the weekend where you have more time?

How old is your child now? Can you organise some play dates and invite one (or a couple) of the other parents over? Perhaps you need to show them your non-teacher side!

Last suggestion you could try and organise something for all the staff if that's what others have suggested. It can be as simple as saying drinks at the pub on Friday for those that are around.

Do you have a partner/ family? I have a number of friends/ a hobby, but no partner and v small family, so it’s important. I think it is having the connections that matter.

I totally get this and found it incredibly hard in my 20s I married very young so was a wife and mother but really felt the loneliness of not really having friends. There are times I see/hear women having their girls nights and weekends away and it hits home. Sometimes it feels like having friends validates you as a person but generally I am at peace with it now I am much older.

To be honest I would feel very strange having my children’s friends parents from school over especially as I teach some of them.
It’s amazing how parents just want to talk about how their child is getting on.
I remember sitting at a swim class for my daughter and a parent sat beside me as their child was in too. All they talked about was their concerns about the child. You kinda end up feeling used.
The problem with asking everyone from work for drinks was that I didn’t really want a group evening out.. then it just becomes work people in a different setting. We are a snall staff so I think there was the fear of ‘ offending’ people in case they thought there was a night out and they hadn’t been asked.
Feel my job and work has got in the way a lot.

Yes have a great husband. One sibling who is flat out busy too.

Op its hard Im 50s find everyone happy to sit in/flaky.. met a friend last night. I think people busy now with work and family. Friendships come last. Disheartening though. You kinda think does anyone want do anything. Met girl through school reunion. Lovely girl. She took wks to commit. I gave up then. Sigh

I totally get your reasons but if you want to make friends you have to start somewhere.

Playdates chatting to other mums seems a good option. Yes if you teach their child they may want to speak about them but can you try to change the topic? After a bit say something like:

'anyway how are you/do you work? I never get a chance to catch up with the other mums, so love having the opportunity!'
or 'Anyway I'm keen for an off duty catch up! Did you watch traitors (insert programme).'

I totally get that about an all staff night out but ultimately you might end up spending most time with the couple you want to anyway and not everyone will come. Just agree a date you 2/3 can do but then make it open invite if they don't want to leave people out. Or you could try and make it 'girly' by doing a painting and wine night / going to watch the latest chic flick and something which might put off the other staff 🤣

I totally get how hard it is and feel you!

Many people don’t, it’s not unusual to have no circle of friends in your 40s.

Try and find a hobby that is not like work. So don't be a scout leader but do join a choir or something.

You know I really remember a person in my big open plan office when I was late twenties saying this back in the nineties. She said people my age don't have friends at work. And I wondered why. But it's true and it's not new.