Fed up with life

[RedFlagsAllOver]

Fed up with it all. 3 children, 2 are older now. One is 18 and makes no effort to look for a job. Sits watching startreck and playing on the playstation all day.
16 year old goes to college 3 days a week and talks and treats me like shit. I gave him £20 yesterday for lunch and bus home because he wouldn't make a pack lunch. This morning he announced he's spent it all and needs more. I had this week off work and planned a night away on Saturday. Was really looking forward to it but had to cancel because the person I was meeting is a waste of space and now has family plans. Just so fed up. My life is just crap.

This won’t have happened overnight

These teens will have behave disrespectfully, thoughtlessly and rudely for many years and this is the upshot

because the person I was meeting is a waste of space and now has family plans.

you talk like this about someone you were looking forward to going away with?!

Sorry to hear this is getting you down but it sounds like you're enabling this: they need a bit of a wake-up call. Why are you allowing an adult to sit around playing video games and watching TV all day? They need to find a job or a volunteering opportunity if they can't find a job. The 16 year old is more than capable of making a packed lunch.

Stop doing everything for them and stop allowing them to treat your house like a hostel. Games consoles off during the day until job-hunting or chores are done. 16 year old can make his own lunch.

Quite concerning that your enjoyment of life revolves around your children acting a certain way. Is that why you had them? If so, that was your first mistake. They're individuals and are gonna be how they're gonna be. Being lazy and frivolous with money are certainly not the worst things people can be... It certainly doesn't warrent a "fed up with life" reaction.

Nor does a friend cancelling on you, really. Bit OTT.

Perhaps go for a walk? Get some fresh air. Take responsibility for your own happiness and stop relying on others - certainly not your kids - to fit into the theatre play you've wrote for them for it.

Buy some nice pens and post it and write down all the things that are pissing you off as well as all the things that give you enjoyment. Adding some extra posts on things you would like to be able to do put them into three columns entitled: how can I make these things happen less? How can I keep these things happening? How can I make these things happen? Then come up with some working suggestion on how to solve at least some of these things. You’re not going to change everything overnight, but even the act of reflecting and planning can make you feel more in control. Try and go for small changes to begin with as these are likely to be more achievable.

try and look at it as positive that you’re feeling like this because it’s your brain’s way of telling you that you need to make change.

also, make sure you do actually buy new pens and new posts if you can - it’s a way of investing in yourself and you’re giving yourself the message that you are worthy.

If 16 year old is too lazy to make lunch, they go hungry. You don't give them £20 to blow as reward for being too lazy to make lunch and then don't say anything when they are rude. Cos they will always expect the £20 and never make lunch.

I'm guessing that just doing stuff like this, and not challenging your elder teen because challenging is tough is probably why they are where they are at. Because they can be and there's not incentive to do anything else.

As much as you are fed up, it's a situation you need to make an active decision to break out of the cycle from. If you let them they will treat you like a doormat, so don't let them. Yes it sucks, but also you either do that with the hope it gets better or you accept this is it and are rather defeatist about life. Only you can change this but you do have the choice to change this.

Router goes off so no more Startrek and the playstation magically disappears until there's a change in attitude for starters.

You can do it.

Get the 16 year old a weekly/monthly bus pass on their phone, then you can just give them a couple of quid for a drink say and if they want lunch they have to make it.

Don't fund the 18 year old. Does he have an ego? That is a good way of getting through to young men, tell him his mates will be working or doing further education and will leave him behind so when he wakes up at the age of 22 he will be competing with all the other now 18 year olds for the starter jobs whilst his friends will be earning more and have the options of holidays, nights out and all he will have is more star trek at home.

And explain to the younger to learn from their elder sibling's mistakes and work at school so they have some options when they get to 16/18.

At some point all teenagers need tough love.

I know it's easier said than done, but it's your house - don't let your kids get away with bad behaviour.

I find it really unhelpful when someone posts that their teenagers are doing this stuff, then gets replies like "well that's all your own fault then."
Some kids are different. Sometimes you can do everything "right" and they can still be entitled little shits because they haven't matured enough yet to realise how unreasonable they're being.
You have my sympathy OP. I have a 17 year old who is much as you describe. He has two siblings who are not like that. It's very difficult to break their habits because they need to find their own motivation, and you can't magically give them that.
Oh, and of course DS also says he will report me to school for starving him if I don't give him money for lunch 🙄 That was one of his dad's very unhelpful suggestions, and caused a huge row.
He has autism though and just wouldn't eat at all if I didn't.
Maybe you could choose one thing you'd most like to change and try to start there? Really don't feel bad though, you've done your best and that's all you can do.

Yes, because they let me down. I said is the 22nd OK as it's a long way for me. Paying for a hotel and travel. I asked several times if definitely OK. Then last night informed me it's actually their dad's birthday on Saturday and all the family are coming. So A waste of space.

I wasn't going away with them I was travelling to see them after they asked for months.

Kindly
You are the PARENT
Deal with it
As has been said the way your kids behave is on you
Tell the 18 year old to get a job and make a financial contribution or he does not get food
Tell him to do his own washing and ironing
Do chores
Again or he does not get food
Tell the 16 year old you do not give him money because he cannot be bothered to look after himself or get a bus
Tell him to do his own washing and ironing
Do chores
Again or he does not get food

Join some clubs of things you like
Reading
Walking
Theatre
Am Dram
Sport

Widen your circle of friends

Thank you. My eldest is on the spectrum and moderately deaf so finding employment is more difficult for him. I booked his theory test a few months ago to give him something productive to do. He failed but was really close and I've managed to book him in again next Thursday. His 16 year old brother sadly has always been difficult. He doesn't have autism or anything but he's never cared about consequences. Like the teacher would say he wasn't very good at school today and I would take him to one side and try and do a reward chart or something obviously when he was younger and he would have none of it. Just row that he's done nothing wrong and the teacher made it up. He goes on and on at me for things like expecting to be driven 3 hours to see his friend, or £60 for a trip with collage but shows no gratitude just wears me down.

My children's attitude are just part of the issue. I'm fed up with everything in general. Respectfully a walk isn't going to help. In fact I find it worse. I spend the whole time playing over my shit life in my head. I live in a small town. There's nothing here to do and I have no friends. I got dressed up this morning and intended to go for a drive someone, maybe get a coffee. But then thought it was too cold and it's not much fun sitting on your own drinking coffee.

Somewhere *

Do you work op?

Let me guess

A man you met online?

It sounds like you’re not the only member of this household feeling very down and bleak

I don't mean to sound glib but having a negative attitude really doesn't help. Try to see that you are your own person- you can choose to do things you enjoy and accept what other people in your life do or don't bring. But you don't have to take on the consequences of bad behaviour- don't give your son money except for necessities - if he spends it on something else, that's his problem. Provide food to make lunch with - if he doesn't, that's his problem.

If your daughter isn't making an effort to get a job (though they are hard to come by), has she applied for universal credit?

What hobbies and interests do you have? Things you can do at home? Maybe online?

I play phone games, read, do jigsaws, garden etc. I also go to exercise classes (could be online) and enjoy walks etc. I happen to live in a big city but most of them I couid do anywhere.

Having teenagers is mentally draining you have to show them who’s the parent and stand firm.

Check to see if they can apply for a college bursary for free travel and food allowance. Mine got a free travel pass and £5 per day for food as I earn under £60k.

You call another person a waste of space when you were actually happy to pay for hotel and travel to meet them? Using cryptic "they" pronouns just makes it bleedingly obvious it's a random man you barely know. Sounds bizarrely desperate and really not the best way to get your life back on track.

Why don't you go on a walk and have a good think about everything in your life.
Then go in for a coffee with a notepad. Write down each thing that is 'shit' in your life on the left hand pages. Then, over a coffee, write ideas and solutions on the right hand side. Good practical solutions and creative ideas - anything that crosses your mind. You don't have to solve it in one hit - just one small thing that will take you in the right direction is a start. Then make sure you go away and put what you plan into practice. If you plan and do it, then every step will be an improvement and you'll start to feel better.

Every Saturday, do the same, write more things on the right hand side of the page. You will get there. You need to take control back in your own life.

You just need to find the fun in the small things. A coffee on my own is a pleasure, a chance to step back from a busy day. Take a book, text some friends whilst you're there. Choose a cafe with a view and take photos.
Until you're happy and comfortable in your own company everyone is going to piss you off including yourself.

Why not plan a weekend away JUST YOU. Somewhere with a hot bath, a view and a bottle of wine/hot chocolate. Take your planning book. You can turn your whole life around through that book.

Out of curiosity do you really think prefacing your rude and unhelpful post with "kindly" makes it sound any more kind? I see it a lot on here and it always seems to be from smug, self righteous people who appear to believe adding "kindly" means they can just talk to people however they want.