Not to foster a relationship with my in-laws?

[Thistledew]

I used to do a lot of the emotional labour of keeping up relationships with my FiL and MiL. They are divorced. My relationship with MiL has completely broken down. I realised that no matter what effort I tried to put into our relationship it was not appreciated and was just being used against me. So I took a complete step back from that relationship and told DH that it was up to him to make arrangements to meet her, for her to see the DC, to keep her updated about the DC and their activities and to sort out birthday and Christmas presents etc.

I get on fine with FiL and his partner. I wouldn’t say we are close and I wouldn’t necessarily choose to spend time with them outside of family life but I’d say we get on well. They haven’t been the most supportive of me and the kids when there have been problems with DH’s mental health, but I can understand why they would make that choice. Nonetheless, when I took a step back from being the main organiser of the relationship with MiL I also did so in relation to FiL, figuring that it really should be up to DH to take charge of that.

So now, there is much less effort put into the relationship with FiL and his partner. Birthdays are missed. Invitations to meet up are not responded to. They have been hurt by this.

I do feel bad at their upset and wonder if I should do more to foster my own relationship with them? If it were just me I wouldn’t see it as a relationship worth maintaining but they are in my life as DC’s grandfather and so I wonder if I should do more to make that relationship as good as it can be? It irks me that this would effectively result in taking over the time and labour of this from DH, and that he should be the one to put in that effort, but should I set that annoyance aside? Or should I make my apologies to FiL and partner for the lack of effort and explain that it is a conscious choice to allow DH to manage this and not a deliberate snub on my part?

Send a text from you on their birthdays and reply to any invitations on your own behalf, making it clear you're not speaking for your husband.

Yes it'll shine a spotlight on your DH's lack of care for them, but that's on him.

How would that work in practice? “The DC and I would love to see you on Sunday. DH will respond to you with his availability when he has the time.”

Or, it's cool with us but not sure about DH if he hasn't replied to you.

Explain that you've given responsibility to DH. If they care, they'll understand that. If he cares, he'll do something about it. If none of them shapes up, you've done what you can so fuck 'em

It’s simply not your job. YANBU

If you want your kids to see their grandfather then: kids and I would love to meet up. Not sure what DH is doing - he'll be in touch himself.

I did take responsibility for relationship with in laws - because I loved them not because it was my "job". DH had his own relationship with them (good). If I sent my MIL a present she didn't call dh to thank him - she thanked me.

@Thistledew
I think this boils down to what your long term goal is.
My in laws are good people. I consider them beneficial to my now adult children’s lives. They still see them regularly. I wanted my kids to have positive family members in their lives. Had I not facilitated this, then in my case it wouldn’t have happened.

If I had so much as showed signs of not being bothered to see them, or not been happy to arrange things my husband would have gone along with this and wouldn’t have organised this himself with the kids.
This is because my husband didn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand how small things, over time, grow into strong relationships.

I wasn’t cross that he couldn’t see this. He trusted me to know what was best for everyone in this way in the same way I trust him to sort out lots of things of which I don’t have a wider perspective.

However I know that many people here will say don’t facilitate this, and that’s a perfectly fine option too. Obviously by doing this you may find that your husband steps up and things go well, or he doesn’t and things peter out and you end up not seeing his family. If both are fine for you then let him sort it.

What made you feel that
your efforts were not appreciated and was just being used against you ?

Do what works for you and your DCs - it’s different for every family.

I think we learn from what we grow up with. My mum had a her own, very good relationship with my dad’s parents and continued to see them when my parents divorced after 34 years of marriage. I have my own, very good relationship with my PILs. DH and i didn’t marry until DDs were in school but i felt related to my PILs as soon as they were born - my sense about this was: if they are my DDs’ grandparents and i am my DDs’ mother, then we must be related to each other. It’s probably relevant that my dad and DH are both only children so there are no other siblings around and particularly no daughters.

As PPs have said, i think my PILs are good people and my DDs benefit hugely from having a close relationship with them.

My relationship with MiL is a whole other story. In a nutshell, despite me being really proactive to include her in our and the DCs lives, because I didn’t have the capacity to cater to her inability (by her own admission) of communicating her needs and wants in any way but the most obtuse hints, and failed to tie myself up in knots trying to read her mind and guess what she might be hoping for, I am apparently “not sufficiently grateful” for her help with the DC, and this provided justification for her to spend years telling DH that I didn’t love him and was not emotionally capable of offering the relationship he wanted.

I get on much better with FiL and his partner, but we only see them every few months and they will perhaps take the DC out for the day once a year. The DC don’t have a close emotional relationship with them. We have tried to encourage more contact but they live busy lives and spend a lot of time with FiL partner’s grandchildren, so they don’t have more time than that to offer us.

I'm not resentful of this, but I do think it is unlikely to change even if I put in more effort with them. FiL’s partner understandably wants to spend time with her own grandchildren and FiL is not the sort of person to seek to foster a close bond with his own ones. But I do want the DC to enjoy the relationship with their grandparents, especially as DH and I are both only children so we don’t have other family around for them to bond with.

@Thistledew - it sounds like you’ve done your bit. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. Just do what feels comfortable to you.

But I do want the DC to enjoy the relationship with their grandparents, especially as DH and I are both only children so we don’t have other family around for them to bond with.

Then I would do the legwork to facilitate it. For whatever reason your DH won’t or can’t get his act together so you will have to either just do it yourself or pester and nag him which will make you both cross. I couldn’t see birthdays ignored because‘it’s not my job’ From what you say it’s not something that would take up much time anyway?

It’s an unpopular view on here but I have most of the responsibility for this type of thing in our marriage and it works. DH is good at other things.

Omg you have backed away already. Stay away!! Honestly it's life changing not giving a shit!!

“It’s an unpopular view on here but I have most of the responsibility for this type of thing in our marriage and it works. DH is good at other things.”

@MatildaTheCat - this is DH and i, too. It works for us.

I just said "you will need to speak to DH about that" repeatedly until they got it and stopped bothering me

It took me quite a few years to understand why my DH isn’t that fussed about a close relationship with his family: nothing major, they just weren’t very present when he lived under their roof, he left at 18 for university and then work, moved abroad and that was that. Complete opposite of my life with my parents. I’m very close to my parents with whom k make an effort and who make an effort for me. I thought DH was just being a bloke in not making efforts so I did it for a while because PILs are decent people and lovely with my DC who they love dearly. Then life got busy and I asked DH to take control of his family while k dealt with mine. Nothing would happen. MIL would text me, I’d say “I don’t know, pls ask DH”, silence would ensue. I got cross with DH, “why can’t you make the effort, the children need their grandparents and cousins” blah blah. He’d just shrug and I took that as him not caring he’s dumping the “work” on me.

In reality, he genuinely and truly isn’t bothered. He’s not that fussed about his children having close relationships with his parents and siblings. He just doesn’t know them very well, and isn’t that close. I’ve accepted this is his patch, his people and I can’t and don’t want to foist relationships with DH’s family that he himself isn’t bothered about. Why would I? Who would it benefit, truly?

So I gave up and it was very easy. Every family is different. Not all are close. It’s not wrong, even if I personally think it’s a sad loss of opportunity. But I have my family and so do my DC. DH is a grown man entitled to make and maintain his own relationships for himself and his children.