I dont know what to do about this.

[Raindrops543]

Will try keep as short as poss.
Have a good friend - Jane. Me and my friend Kelly used to work with her in workplace "A". Me and Kelly moved on, Jane still works there. 3 of us have been friends 6 years. Dont see each other loads due to kids/life/etc but always have a nice time when we do.
The problem is Jane's friends from workplace A seem to really dislike me and Kelly and we don't know why. We all got on fine when we worked together, wouldn't say we were particularly friends but fine as colleagues, no arguments etc etc
But at social events held by Jane since me and Kelly left, these women literally will barely speak to us. They're really bitchy and do things like look the other way when we're speaking in a group, avoid eye contact, sit on the opposite side of the toom to us, make bitchy comments, have little private jokes between themselves (the kind meant to make you feel uncomfortable) Jane's birthday weekend away was really impacted by this. I thought I might be being oversensitive but Kelly feels the same and shes tougher than me about things like that. Since realising they dislike me so much, I've avoided a couple of occasions but went to one in September for Jane really as I feel really bad for her that theyre like this and I dont want to not go to her things. Anyway it was awful. I felt so uncomfortable. I havent felt like this since school. Jane's now invited me to her birthday in a few weeks. My instinct is to say no or should I speak to Jane? These girls are her absolute closest best friends, im talking "aunties" to her kids, bridesmaids, the whole shebang. I feel like I'm not going to come out winning. But I also feel like I cant go through another social occasion of being treated like this.

Its also about what I do in the long term, do I just never go to any of Jane's birthdays or occasions ever again??

Don’t go, and don’t talk to her about it unless she asks you why you aren’t coming any more.
If you want to keep her as a friend, you and Kelly can keep inviting her to meet you both, keep it just the three of you.

Yeah and thats what I thought and that's what I have been doing. A part of me really hates that I'm missing out on occasions because of how nasty these women are. Especially when I've done nothing wrong!

Suggest to her that you and she and Kelly get together to celebrate just the three of you. Say you’re busy on the day of her party and/or you prefer to catch up in a smaller group because you ‘never get the chance for a proper catch up’ in a party.

Doesn't Jane notice? Do you say something at the time, if the others are being rude? Maybe just see her without the nasty women in the future.

Yes it does really suck. I’ve been in a similar situation before. But it was a relief actually to stop going and putting myself through it. These women are probably just playing power games with you and making you the outsider because it makes them feel good. Nothing personal. But no meed to put up with it either.

Don't go, but don't make it her problem by raising it at this point. I think you and Kelly should take her out separately to celebrate at a later date, and then the pair of you can address the issue with her.

Life's too short to put yourself through these uncomfortable situations. If you want to keep in touch with Jane, then invite her to things you are hosting, or out with you and the other friend. Decline invites to anything that these women will be at. If Jane asks, then explain why.

Ime most old work friends fall by the wayside after a while unless you still have plenty in common.

I wouldn’t bother raising it with her. The behaviour of the others isn’t in her control, and if she’s close to them she may feel very awkward and like she has to choose loyalties. If she asks you can be honest, but tbf Jane will probably put two and two together herself in time.

I dont see how she couldn't notice but then its also mainly like subtle bitchyness thst others might not pick up on (they're clever like that) but if she has noticed, shes never said anything. No I havent said anything to the women. I dont know how I would say things like why are you looking away when I'm speaking in this group or why are you sitting on the other side of the room.

And they normally do in my experience but me and Jane and Kelly have stayed friends despite having not worked together for about 5 years

I wonder if Jane may have said something about you guys which has caused them to dislike you both. I would perhaps say to Jane, if the others have a issue with you as they don’t seem to engage with you at the gatherings

I would be wondering what Jane is saying to these women about you both, is she saying things that are making them dislike you? Maybe that’s just my insecurities talking.

I really really doubt this. Jane is a kind, balanced, generous person. And not the type to have hidden bitchyness. Im no fool but im 99.9% sure this isnt the case. I'd put a lot of money on it not being the case.

No you don’t have to put yourself in uncomfortable positions.
In this situation I’d ask Jane directly if she knows what the problem is. I have to say my gut instinct was as PPs have suggested- she has said something to them about you two which they did not like. I’m not sure what else it could be…

@Raindrops543trust me sometimes we think we know ppl but we don’t. Learnt from experience

Do you genuinely have no idea what their issue could be? That's quite unusual to my mind.

I really dont! I wish I did. This has never happened to me before. Always before now if someone disliked me I at least had an inkling as to why!

Well I wouldn't have much faith in Jane as a friend if she is sitting there seeing her friends be downright rude and unpleasant to you.

The fact she hasn't said anything to you about how embarrassing or how unacceptable she finds their behaviour would indicate, as pp have said, that she knows exactly why they are behaving like that.

I think you should bring this out into the open and ask her what is going on. You have nothing to lose because why should you keep putting yourself into such miserable social situations?

If you find out what's going on then you can decide whether your friendship with Jane has a future or not.