My mum is great help with my kids. Our relationship is a bit up and down. Because im the only one who calls her out when shes wrong. My father and sibling just bow down to her really
Shes always had an element of controlling and even now im 27 she tries to tell me what to do and I look back and I am barely independent despite being a mum of 2 because I was kind of brought up to rely on someone or someone have the answers type of thing? Im getting more independent now and distancing myself. It was only when DH has helped me over the years realise as an adult no I didnt need to ask for approval when booking a holiday for us with my own money
And I didnt need approval on clothes I wear or house decor. Thats the start of It. When she gets bossy about the kids that really riles DH up. Hes very unhappy about her controlling aspect.
Some stand out things to me are last year we announced we were doing our own Christmas dinner. We'd see family and would host if anyone wanted to come the invite was there for all. DH dad is alone , he came. DH mum cooks for his grandparents, her new husband , one of his kids / partner and her brother and nephew. So she was fine to stay in her house doing her dinner and see us the next day
My mum blew her lid. So then my family (the other 2 members haha I have a very small family) followed suit. Saying im selfish. I have upset them all. They basically verbally abused me all day until I muted WhatsApp and ignored them for a week. This annoyed DH even more as I got upset and cried over the texts. I did offer to host them, they declined. And even this year we will be doing the same again as we loved it. I mentioned it and my mum pulled a face and made a comment like "oh is his (meaning DH) dad coming again?"
Another thing is she is really trying to push a diagnosis of autism or adhd on my son? And it changes. She says to me "hes clearly autistic". "Hes clearly got adhd and needs medicating"
I wouldnt mind if my 3yo ds had any of these things btw. But personally would rather a. Professional assess him and diagnose him, not my very unqualified mother who says these things in an outbursts as she witnessed him being hyperactive and running around a shop. Again, bare in mind, hes 3. And she wanted to shop for lamps. Not very fun for a hyper 3 year old.
But then she says to me (after relentlessly badgering me about chasing a diagnosis I dont think hes got) youre 'absolutely failing him"
I lost my mind at this point. You can criticise me but to say as a mother I was failing any of my kids when all I try to do is the best for them, and not be like my own mother, shocked me and I had to stand up for myself. My kids are amazing and in no way being failed.
So after this I didnt speak to her. My sister kept badgering me to speak to her but I stood my ground and said nope. My mym owes me an apology for saying hurtful things because she was what, stressed that my child was very much acting like a child his age in the shops?
DH obviously got annoyed again. And hes helping me see the light a bit. I need to distance as I keep going back in a sense of feeling like I need the approval etc I cant explain it? But they keep hurting me and its such a similar cycle, mum says hurtful things- rest of family try to encourage me to initiate communication - mum can never apologise
Shes always said stuff growing up too, to me like you respect your elders your parents we gave you life etc
Personally I feel I should earn my kids respect and if I tried to control them or speak to them awfully- I wouldn't expect respect
Anyway. I've rambled on but I feel like I need tk be more independent and distance a bit so these situations stop happening. I've only mentioned 2 but its a cycle for years now