AIBU about pick up and drop off

[Justone62]

Been separated from my child's dad a year now, he sees DS once a week at the weekend and he picked up in the morning, from me, and I picked up in the evening from him. Very regularly he would make an excuse as to why I need to pick up early, or if on the odd occasion he offered to do both ways, he would find a reason to change his mind. This makes me feel I can never truly make plans on the one day I have. I have now told him I'm fed up of always being messed around and that he now needs to do both pick up and drop off, he only lives 15 minutes away and has one day with him. He is refusing to do both. AIBU?

No Yanbu. You care for your child 6 days a week, he cares for him 1 day a week.
Driving 15 minutes to see your child is neither here nor there. I drove for longer than that most days for my DCs hobbies for years and years.
However, the sad truth is you cannot make him drive. You cannot make him see his child.
A decent parent would do the pick up and drop off.
I would stick to the plan of having set pick up and drop off times with him doing the driving.
Just don’t engage with any pathetic nonsense about altering times etc.
See how it goes from there.

No. But, I would drop off and ask him to bring back. Start with a strict time for both and see if he can manage it. Sounds like he is losing interest.

If he won't do both then I'd suggest that you drop off and he brings him back. That way you know you are free for the period in between. If he then starts to come up with reasons why he needs to bring him back early or whatever then just say you have plans and he can't.

My ex always did both (eow) Iwould have an agreed time and make plans if you choose if he wants to drop early and your not there it’s tough for him.

Make your plans on your free day and if he phones to change plans you say you can’t make it before the prearranged time( you are too far away or you are at an appointment) so he can’t just opt out.

Yanbu but be aware that making him responsible for both won't stop him messing you about. He will turn up to pick up late and drop.off early if it suits him. You won't be any better off.

He can't drop off early if you're not in.
Make sure you're out and you can't get back.
He'll have to deal with it.

No, but he can bring the child back early every week and then sit in the car complaining about how and why you aren't there.. I don't know how old the child is, but it wouldn't be fun for them.

I think YABU to be honest - not about asking him to do it but insisting he does it because he spends less time with him. If you want to change the time he spends with him then change that, but don't have a schedule and then start adding caveats to it. You are co parents, you both have a responsibility to facilitate travel.

I agree it's shit that he doesn't spend more time. And that he dicks about treating your time as disposable. But it's a separate issue. If you don't want to pick up early then say no. Or be out. It's OK to make him stick to the existing agreement.

Sad he doesn’t want to make the most of his day with his child.

I voted YABU, as this is in your control.
Once has picked your DS up, you just collect him at the agreed time. Ignore any ‘changes to plan’ - stick to your agreement.
If he doesn’t pick your DS up at the agreed time, you go out and your ex misses his time with him.
Set the boundaries. He’ll soon fall into line, assuming he doesn’t want time with DS.

Then the alternative is to continue to let it happen and complain about it

yeah exactly this, its all well and good people saying "just dont be in" but in eyes of the child it will be that mum didnt want to have him back.

That's where words come in. I'm not saying these things aren't emotionally charged, but open, fair communication with your child is one of the greatest weapons here.

The problem is that he will also be using words against you, saying you should be there etc etc. Depending on how old the child is they may or may not take this to heart. I've always found it best to avoid putting them in in the middle if you can.

I appreciate that, I know how hard it can be - especially when the not using the child tactic isn't shared by both parties. But the alternative is always bucking to their timetable to avoid it and letting them control the narrative that your child hears. Fair conversation on your part doesn't have to mean slagging off, and I think it's helpful to explain in an appropriate way rather than try and keep this sort of thing quiet and hope the children don't notice.

I think your best option isn't to try to force him to do both ways, but when he wants to change plans, just keep saying 'no, I can't do that'. The problem is that he's got his mind around the idea that you are flexible.

When we first split up, my ex thought that I would be endlessly flexible and wouldn't even bother to get in touch about changed plans - one I heard the door open and found she was letting herself in because she'd arrived early. I've found the best option is not to make a fuss but to keep the communication to a factual minimum: 'no, I can't do that time; let's stick to [original time]'.

I do take the point that some people would be petty enough to let this affect the child, and if would do that in a really nasty way, I would rethink.

But I actually don't think it is the worst thing in the world for a child if, once or twice, they have to sit in the car for half an hour with dad because dad couldn't get pick up time right. Yes, it's boring for the child. But it is no good for a child to get the message that one parent gets to boss around the other parent, or to break agreements. You don't want to bring up a son who grows up thinking that the women in his life owe it to him to be flexible to all of his needs.

Thank you for all your replies, my son has only just turned 3 so he's starting to understand, I just feel like I'm being bossed around by my ex and it just can't continue, the way he speaks to me In front of my son is awful, and I don't want my child thinking this behaviour is acceptable, I do think I need to stick to my guns here, but your all right, I do need to set boundaries