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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have a been to harsh on this friend?

12 replies

Llama4life · 18/11/2025 18:54

Don’t know if I’ve been a bit unreasonable with this friend or not. One of my oldest friends (and used to be one of my closest but not for a while) and I have drifted apart in the last year. Neither of our faults, just life, but we barely speak anymore (and we live close by) we met briefly with our kids in the park for the first time in months the other day and as we were leaving she said “by the way is it ok if me and ….(daughter’s name) stay at yours one night next week”. The reason she gave was her daughter was going on a school trip the following day that she had to drive her to the location for in the morning and it’s 20 min closer to my house than her’s! Seemed very lazy and unnecessary to me. I said I’d get back to her but the more I thought about it the more annoyed I got. If she’d said something like “do you want to hang out on this night next week, I could make us dinner, and it’d be really helpful if we could stay” I’d be a bit more open to the idea, or if she’d asked back when we actually spoke to each other I’d have no problem with it. However, she’s always been a bit entitled, I’ve done her loads of favours in the past (not all of which I was comfortable with) but I’m not willing to have her & her daughter stay over when we’ve barely spoken in a nearly a year and aren’t really in each others’ lives anymore. I sent her an honest text saying I missed her and it’s a shame we’ve drifted apart (but that it was no one’s fault, just life) and I’d be great to start hanging out again but that I don’t feel comfortable with it starting out with me doing her a favour, it needs to start out equally. As I guessed would happen, she’s just totally ignored me. I didn’t mention to her that it’s also because I’m sick of her entitled attitude and her lack of support when my exH took me to court to a few months ago to try and take my kids away from me, so it does come from a place of deeper resentment but she’s not aware of that. In any case I’m willing to let this friendship go, I think I’d rather be lonely than have rubbish friends. I’m just wondering if I’ve been too harsh?

OP posts:
Llama4life · 18/11/2025 18:55

Sorry for all the typos in title! Couldn’t change it. Should read “Have I been too harsh on this friend?”

OP posts:
NovemberRedHolly · 18/11/2025 19:00

No you haven’t been harsh at all. She’s likely to have only met up with you to ask the favour and now that she can’t use you she’s sodded off again.

OneCleverDreamer · 18/11/2025 19:01

Have more confidence in your decisions.

Arlanymor · 18/11/2025 19:02

You told her the truth. If she "insert famous quote from A Few Good Men" then that's her lookout to be honest. She had a cheek to ask in the first place. I'd be resuming the drifting apart...

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 18/11/2025 19:03

Let me guess, it was her idea to meet up in the park

QueenClinomania · 18/11/2025 19:03

You were reasonable.
She just wanted to use you and the silence will be because she's sulking.

Namechange29383929383 · 18/11/2025 19:09

No I think you’re fine. Realising that someone has initiated meeting up again after a long time not because they miss you but because they need something feels like shit and I think you’re right to have told her as much.

SunMoonandChocolate · 18/11/2025 19:13

I think you should be proud of yourself for standing up to her and telling her how you felt OP. She may have been a good friend at one time, but clearly hasn't been of late, so asking to stay over night is a bloody cheek in my opinion.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 18/11/2025 19:15

Nah, not harsh. Reasonable.
I would of told her to go fuck herself. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Llama4life · 18/11/2025 20:05

Thanks for the replies. I guess I’ve never seen crashing for a night (especially as I have a spare room) as much of a big deal for old friends. That’s why I asked. But glad to hear I’m not being harsh/selfish. Guess I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser. Although what tends to happen is I allow someone to push me so far to the limit of what is acceptable/appropriate and I end up building up so much resentment towards them that when I finally bite back like I have done now, I completely snap. And what could be a reasonable conversation or even silence on both ends, ends with me sending them a tirade of abuse about every single shitty thing they’ve done and how much I fucking hate them! This has happened once or twice before with different people in my life, where I’ve just taken their shit over and over till I just explode. Yes, I know, really got to learn just not to put up with it in the first place

OP posts:
SconehengeRevenge · 18/11/2025 20:59

Llama4life · 18/11/2025 20:05

Thanks for the replies. I guess I’ve never seen crashing for a night (especially as I have a spare room) as much of a big deal for old friends. That’s why I asked. But glad to hear I’m not being harsh/selfish. Guess I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser. Although what tends to happen is I allow someone to push me so far to the limit of what is acceptable/appropriate and I end up building up so much resentment towards them that when I finally bite back like I have done now, I completely snap. And what could be a reasonable conversation or even silence on both ends, ends with me sending them a tirade of abuse about every single shitty thing they’ve done and how much I fucking hate them! This has happened once or twice before with different people in my life, where I’ve just taken their shit over and over till I just explode. Yes, I know, really got to learn just not to put up with it in the first place

I hear you.

You've done right x

heartofsunshine · 18/11/2025 22:09

That's incredibly odd, 20 mins is really nothing compared to inconvenience of packing all your stuff and staying away from home. I would be suspicious something else was going on? Can she not stay at home that night for some reason? I don't necessarily mean it's worth the head space but it is just odd?? If she lived 2 hours away it would make sense but not 20 mins!

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