To not want to dwell - I’m always looking for solutions, not sympathy?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m someone who naturally focuses on solving things. If there’s a problem, I want to fix it. If something’s not working, I want to know what we can do about it.

But I’ve noticed not everyone sees things that way. Some people want to process or vent, which is totally valid but I sometimes get painted as cold or impatient just because I don’t like staying in the problem space for too long.

It’s not that I don’t care. I just don’t find endless analysis or emotional spirals helpful. I’m not trying to rush people but I also don’t want to marinate in the misery. Let’s do something.

AIBU to think some people would actually feel better if they focused more on solutions and that it’s okay to not want to dwell?

Largely I would agree, although there’s a distinction I would make between processing and dwelling that’s important.

I haven't voted because I don't think it's a case of being unreasonable. We're all different and respond differently in difficult situations. It's fine how you do it but don't expect everyone else to be the same as you.

Sometimes there isn’t a solution.

sometimes people just want to feel not alone.

Your solution works for you, others’ solution works for them.

I suspect you’re quite annoying (and yes, cold) to people who are looking for some sympathy.

AIBU to think some people would actually feel better if they focused more on solutions and that it’s okay to not want to dwell?

Of course some people do because, as you explain, you are such a person. Not everyone is the same and nor should they be.

Im like you OP and completely get it. I think people who like to vent and pore over what happened generally have a much more negative mindset when it comes to everything in their life.

My DH is the same. He can't stand it when if something bad happens, something breaks or whatever, I start giving suggestions about how we can fix it, or who we can speak to etc. My language is very much like "don't worry, at least it's fixable", or "don't worry about the cost, my bonus is coming in a few months, we will use that". He absolutely hates it, he would much rather wallow in a sea of negativity and "shoulda woulda coulda" shite. It's happened, move on!! What is sitting here moaning about it actually going to achieve other than to make yourself and the recipient feel bad?

Sometimes people want solutions, sometimes they want sympathy and the percentage of time that they feel either of these ways depends on a range of things, including their personal resilience, what is going on in their life, etc.

I am usually not a wallower but I am SO pissed off tonight that if I didn't live alone I would be clattering around my kitchen saying: 'And another BLOODY thing!' and having a right old whinge. But that's not my default mode.

I think everyone is different. With varying levels of resilience so it's impossible to answer.

I'm like you, there is usually away around most things. So let's get on with finding it. I can't do the listening to a vast amount of navel gazing. It drains you.

I'm with you on the problem solving thing. I am very logical and thick skinned, it takes a LOT to upset me. But I also see that others don't want a solution to the problem. They want empathy, they want to be listened to, they want someone to agree that life sucks. Also I don't think there always is a solution, sometimes things can't be fixed. My partner has depression and there's things that can be done to help it but if he starts feeling down there's very little I can say or do to stop him feeling that way. And yeh I really struggle with this, with the lack of solution.

So for those of you who don’t dwell are the rest of us not allowed to feel frustration or any emotion other than put up shut up and get on with it? I don’t dwell or naval gaze for days but sometimes I just need to have a rant about something, once I calm down I’ll crack on, but I can’t always be proactive straight away. Sometimes I also don’t want someone else to solve my problem I just need to get something off my chest.

I don’t think people shouldn’t feel things. Venting is completely normal. I just meant for me personally, I struggle when conversations stay in that space for too long because my instinct is to always to move toward ‘okay, what now?’ It’s not about telling anyone else how to cope, just about recognising we all process differently.

I agree. There are people that go round in circles and aren’t interested in or listening to potential solutions. These people have to want to change things. Sympathy is all very well to give, but when the person stays in the rut, sympathy wears thin. It depends on the problem too.

Ha! My epitaph will be either 'Get a grip' or 'Don't pander to it'.
With you completely OP.

What happens when you or someone you care about comes up against a real or perhaps unsolvable problem OP? Like grief or ill health for example?

Sometimes life throws up situations where "staying in the problem space" (is that really how human people talk?) is your only option for a while. What then?

As a single mum to 2 kids, who works full time, I am used to finding solutions. If there’s a problem I’ve normally already been through all the possible solutions and I’m constantly fixing things. It annoys me hugely when I mention to friends- well this has happened (insert disaster) and they say ‘have you thought about doing x,y,z…. Because yes! I already have. So for me, normally I just want someone to listen and hear me. Having said all that, I am quite clear to people that that’s the approach I want! And no one should expect you to be a mind reader.

Oh im like this, I've had to actively learn that when someone is complaining about something, they sometimes just want to feel heard and not have you jump in with solutions, or they dont want to hear solutions because they dont want to do them or dont want to fix it at all (I think that might sound like im being judgemental but thats just what I've observed)
Its only in recent years i've realised its because in my family, we complain about things AFTER we have fixed them.
If we talk about an ongoing problem, its in a 'im dealing with this currently and its a bit annoying' way of updating each other on whats going on, and we find it useful to bounce ideas off. The actual complaining comes afterwards! I love it to be honest, it means I dont panic in a crisis. But I have had to learn other people dont operate the same way and think you offering solutions is you being unsympathetic, which was a totally novel idea to me - i still dont really 'get' it but I want to make the people I like feel supported, so I play along! I think I often go too far the other way because im so worried about coming across like an annoying 'problem solver' person now... this ties in with the other big revelation of my adult life which is that some people find you asking questions rude or intrusive or like they are being interrogated as opposed to interested in them (to be clear, im not someone who is going to grill you for details of your sister divorce or your last smear test either)

Oh god, im also like this, where i get annoyed if I ever share a problem and someone starts suggesting solutions and I feel almost offended when they suggest things I think its obvious I would have thought of... even though im a solutions giving person myself!! This is exactly why I steer so far the other way when I talk to others now!

There's a time and a place for both. It's also down to the individual on how they want to be supported, just because you prefer to look at solutions doesn't mean others benefit from doing that without a space to talk so they can process the emotions. Some people who do not talk things through end up with built up emotions that can lead to explosions of anger or burn out.
I don't go to people for a solution, other than when I'm stuck with work. If I'm upset about something in my personal life I don't want solutions or advice from others, I just want someone to talk to about it and that helps me come to my own conclusion and solution. Many people can find unrequested advice very jarring.

You sound just like me LOL- sometimes I think ‘well of course I’ve already done that! What do you think I am’! I do try and avoid giving solutions for that reason but maybe some people want to hear them!

I’m a problem solver and I will always come at things logically and try to find a solution.
It took me a while to realise that not everyone likes this! 😂

I don’t really get on with people who stay in the moaning/defeated stage (I appreciate having a moan about something is fine, but at some point you’ve got to move on).

Depends how good your solutions are I guess. If your noticing a pattern of people telling you their problems but not engaging with your solutions, your solutions are not hitting the spot. The solutions thst get the most buy in are the ones you help the person generate for themselves, because that takes account of their priorities and capabilities. So maybe try ask not tell? "Have you thought of anything you could do or I could help you with...?"