To feel tired of other people's kids

[LemonyMabel]

DS has gone through so much with different kids at school and their crappy behaviour for so long now. It started in year 5 and really wore him down by year 7. Different rounds of kids, different rounds of shit behaviour.
After a really difficult time that knocked his confidence, DS started to pick himself back up again in year 8.
Now in year 9, he's started to make a group of new mates who he's been getting on well with. It's been quite hard breaking into an established friendship group who've all been friends for years, but he's persevered and has been happy to be accepted into this group over the past couple of months and he's been feeling really positive about it and has been hanging out at school with them.
Then today, walking out of school, they all started taking the piss out of my DH. DS's dad. Imagine DH's name is Steven. DS is walking out of school with the group, having hung around with them at lunchtime and all was good, and suddenly 1 of them randomly, and without any context, suddenly says to DS "Cheesy Steven!" The group all burst out laughing and suddenly six 13/14 year old boys are all loudly chanting "Cheesy Steven! Cheesy Steven!" and laughing at DS. Then 1 of them says "Steven's head is so shiny it's like a mirror!" met with rounds of laughter and then they all walk off in their direction home whilst DS splinters off in his opposite direction.
He walked in from school looking really deflated. Inititially he wasn't going to tell me about it, but eventually did after I said I could tell something was bothering him. Said he felt really happy to have made these new mates at school who've been nice to him so far and now they've all been mean today about his dad. 1st time anything like this has happened since he's been hanging out with them since September.
DS is really close to DH and he didn't like them taking the piss out of him today.
I've had to teach DS a lot about boundaries re bad behaviour from other kids over the past 3 years, and have had to put in a lot of support on an emotional level as a lot of behaviour he was subjected to from other kids resulted in him developing clinical anxiety.
I think I need a bit of guidance here, as in, is this normal teenage boy bantering stuff do you think, or is this the start of yet another round of nasty behaviour?
I know that's what DS is wondering tonight, and I haven't told him but I'm wondering the same.
He said he thought he'd made friends with them and now they've been out of order towards him.
I find it so draining. Why can't kids just be nice. DS struggles to understand because shit behaviour because he hasn't got an unkind bone in his body and he is never mean to anyone. He really understands that stuff can hurt people's feelings so never does it, even if someone has irritated him or if he doesn't like someone, he doesn't behave badly towards anyone.
I'm left thinking here we go again. But after the years of problems with other kids and bullying type behaviour towards DS that we've gone through, I don't know if I'm being over sensitive this evening.

Can be totally normal piss taking within a friendship group. Depends on whether this is normal territory for them.

I was sat at the front of the school hall whilst in the school band, watching parents filing in for the concert. The girl behind me quipped 'Oh my God it's Columbo' and several others sniggered. She was referring to my father who was wearing his rain coat. And from then on he 'was' Columbo to all my friends. I think he secretly liked it when he found out.

My parents had me later in life compared to my peers and I've since regretted feeling jealous of my friends' young, fashionable, cool parents.

I don't think that they'd have chanted it in front of him though.

When I was teaching, it was common for boys to comment/banter about the car their parents had. I once heard 'at least my dad doesn't drive a Ford', which tickled me as it's the only make of car my father drove (AKA Mondeo man). My poor dad.

As my nana used to say - 'there's nowt as cruel as kids'.

Could you tell him that it's ok to join in?

I've never heard so much 'bantz' as when my son in law's friends are about and it's very cruel and very funny at the same time. I'm sure that H and I have been the subject of some of it.

This! I'm sorry but male British humour tends to be them taking the piss out of each other constantly...DH is mid thirties, friends all married with kids, good jobs and doing well. Their whatsapp group is just them taking the piss out of each other day in day out...
Its up to your obviously but I'd focus on building resilience and recognising a joke rather than go down the 'why is every child mean except my DS' which is a) untrue and b) unhelpful. Taking the piss out of your bald dad is hardly the end of the world.

Sorry OP secondary is so hard for kids especially if they are sensitive souls
I have a 12 year old boy and banter and taking the mick out of every aspect of each other seems par for the course. Its almost like it cements their friendships. I am constantly telling my son to tone it down but then I hear his mates on the Playstation doing exactly the same. They are all 'nice' boys from nice families, I have met the mums and dads, they are all polite and normal people.

We have always given the advice that you have to laugh it off and show you are not bothered if someone is trying to wind you up, or come back with a quick retort.

My son would have said something like 'Cheesey Steven??? Ha, your feet are cheesey mate and your head looks like a spam, and your mum looks like she ate all the cheese'.

I am not trying to minimise it or make it trivual, but this is the kind of thing they say to each other, and the 'retort' will be expected, sadly as they are teenage boys and it's the kind of stupid shit they say.

You need to teach your child some resilience otherwise he is going to find life very difficult, kids that age have lot of banter, take the piss out of anything and everything you may actually be causing your child more anxiety, at that age kids don't want to be seen dead with their parents and get embarrassed about everything.

Best thing for you is to toughen your child up mentally, sad but true.

Sounds like idiot boys being idiot boys.

Ginger parents, fat parents, old parents, ye dads a cleaner, ya mums a milf, and more.

If there is a possible insult you can think of a teenage boy will of said it about each other, others parents and their siblings and granny’s.

Always have and I expect always will.

Children need to learn how to deal with the world as it comes. It can be a nasty place.

My DS is in primary and I'm already having to build his resilience. DS is a smart and sensible (but probably overly sensitive) boy, who has daily struggles with a few kids in his school. Our efforts resulted in DS finding his biggest strength; sarcasm 😶.

Of course they do! Have you never heard of 'your mum' jokes? Teenage boys take the piss out of everything!

I think this is standard teenage boy stuff. One says something silly, another one riffs on it - your dad's bald, your dad's cars shit, seen tortoises faster than your dad jogging, your Da sells Avon, etc. I remember my brother's mates doing it, and my DF laughing it off. Which is what your DS needs to do.

Your DS is unlikely to be there only one in the group that gets some ribbing. But responding over sensitively is the worst thing he can do. I think what might help is your DH showing that he a) doesn't care and that b) this type of teasing is pretty normal in male friendships. Do he and DS tease each other?

I agree this is completely normal, and in fact I would take it as a good sign. This is how teenage boys treat their friends. If they didn't like your son, they would either completely ignore him, or be much meaner.

Watch the Inbetweeners. Part of what made it so good was the realism of the dynamics between the four of them. They were a tight friendship group, but still total arseholes to each other. (Neil's gay dad, Will's briefcase, Simon's hair, Jays lies, etc).

Boys just aren't "nice" to each other most of the time. You should help your son see it, and, importantly, react to it, as a sign of being accepted into the friendship group. Taking it personally and withdrawing won't do him any favours.

You’ve heard of “Yer Ma/Da” jokes? Unfortunately insulting each other’s parents is pretty standard teenage behaviour. Boys are vile, but they usually start settling down in year 10.

Boys that age might not compute an silly insult levied against a friend's parent as being offensive to the friend personally.

Wow! Comments like this make me so sad. Kids should be respectful to adults, yes they take the piss and joke but mocking his dad for being bald to his hearing is bad upbringing.
I remember my sons earlier play dates and the mum thanking me as my son was the only child to say hello when he got to their house, shame that being nice is considered not the norm these days.

My kids tease my DH about being bald, all in fun. I wouldn't be encouraging him to look too much into it unless they are actually being mean to people. Does your DS ever joke around or is he very serious? Do you think he could be possibly taking all these “mean” kids too seriously/not understanding when kids are joking around?
You will be hard pressed to find teenaged boys that don't joke about at all for him to be friends with.

This book was really helpful for me to understand coming dynamics among teen boys. I asked DH and he said ‘yes of course! This is what it can be like’ Often for some it’s about being top dog. It’s very unpleasant.
https://psychiatryresource.com/bookreviews/masterminds-wingmen-review

I think the poster who talks about in betweeners nailed it

Iv three teen boys and omg the 'banter' can be grim and no topics off the table - parents, boyfriends, girlfriend's, any relatives.

The know I wont tolerate it at home but eldest likes to come home and fill me in on the hilllarious (its not) banter of the day between him and his mates. I usually eye roll and tell him they are all being d#cks and to grow up.

Then stick of a nice educational documentary on infirmed consent, womens rights, misogyny and force them to watch it

Just asked teen ds's and apparently the more your part of the banter, the more accepted you are.
He says as long at its not just one person in the group constantly having the p#ss ripped out of them, then thats banter qnd group acceptance.
Boys are strange creatures

Have you actually seen the inbetweeners? Half the jokes between the boys are about shagging someone's mum or a dad being a nonce.
I have 2 teenage boys and have to say some of the banter in real life is very close to the edge....if not over it. I have to reign my family in as I don't have the same sense of humour.
Don't make a big deal out of this. Your son has 2 choices...maybe 3...say nothing and see what happens. Say nothing but practise saying 'leave it out lads, that's not funny.' Or - don't hang around with them any more. I would put money on it being nothing. And if he doesn't mention it then it probably won't be bought up again.

Growing up with males, my husband is one of several boys and I have a son in early 20s, I would say this is completely normal banter for boys, you need to teach your son some good comebacks or teach him not to bother about it, if they see it’s bothering him they’ll do it all the more.

Crappy behaviour. They must have crappy parents. It’s not banter. They were vile.

Any adults on here defending this behaviour are part of the problem.

I’m sorry your Son is going through this Op.

Op please listen to the posters giving you the inbetweeners perspective. It is so true. My DS was sensitive in year 7/8 and reacted with upset to everything his peer group said in banter, because sometimes it was hurtful or near the knuckle. Unfortunately that just set him apart from the normal lad bonding and it took him until around year 10 to fully get integrated again.

He’s an adult now but regrets it. He wishes he could go back to his younger self and tell him to laugh it off and not be so sensitive. He now realises that if he’d just gone with it he’d have had a much easier time of it.

I’m a secondary school teacher, and unfortunately OP, this sounds like typical teenage boy banter. However, it is very hard to differentiate between banter and bullying, and it’s impossible for any of us to say which it is, as we don’t know your DS or his friends.

I agree with some PP that your DS should try and make some non school-based friends.

Those middle school years are absolutely horrendous, and you need to develop a thick skin to get through them.

I have very young DC, but when I witness some of the behaviour and relationships between the middle school students, I resolve to quit my teaching job and homeschool them when they are that age. 😂

If this is a once off with these boys it sounds like teenage banter. Your ds could maybe work on resilience and developing a thicker skin. Taking the piss out of each other is par of he course, that often extended to 'your mum's or 'your dad's jokes.

If it's a pattern of your ds being the target then he might need to find some new friends, as that's a different scenario.

Cheesy Steven could be anything, does he smell cheesy, was he eating a cheese sandwich, did he tell a cheesey joke, spotted in local co-cop buying cheese. Literally anything to take the piss out of teenage boys will latch onto. Best thing for your ds to do would be to laugh it off and move on.

He needs to "stand in his power" and reject their "banter".
Needs to practise what he wants to say. Maybe something like:
"I like my Dad. He's cool, we're tight".

"If you're going to be cheesy about my Dad, I'll have to rethink my friendships". "That's really not OK. Knock it off. My Dad's cool."

or some stuff like that.

Get him to practise at home what he feels comfortable to say.

But he does need to SAY.

They're hitting on his perceived weak spot, i.e. his love for his dad.
He needs to be bold and brave enough to shut them down.
They'll think the more of him and will probably back off.

I agree with sentiment but not the wording. ‘Rethink my friendships’ is just not going to fly with teenage lads - and they’ll just absolutely rip the piss out of anyone saying ‘my dad’s cool’.

It’s going to be more like (laughing) “fuck off mate yeah? That’s my dad.” Or “…not as bald as your ball bags brah”.