To return everything I’ve got for my brother for Christmas?

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My brother has spent the last few months bragging about how he’s going to put a lot of effort into his Christmas gifts this year. He’s stated shopping early rather than a dash for gifts on Christmas Eve, he’s asking people what they want, and he’s getting a lot of deliveries.

He’s been going on about wanting a football top with a certain player on it (yes he’s an adult, no I don’t particularly see it as an issue!), for a few months now.

So I’ve picked that up for him plus a few other things. In total I’ve spent about £140 on him.

He’s now turned around and said he’s planning to spend about a tenner on me, so I should pick a “book or something”.

AIBU to return all of his gifts and spend it on myself instead?

💯 YANBU. Return it all. And don’t spend a tenner, get him a Lynx set for £4.50 from Tesco.

Or a Maltesers box for £2.

www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/321760513?srsltid=AfmBOooczdqjg9pljVYJjErXPgqRx8ZKN337xTCwYCRN_Xj8Iq0zZ6MV

Christmas is not a transactional festival. It is about giving someone a gift to show you love them. Tit for tat does not come into it.

Definitely return anything you can. Meet his effort with your own but no more.

YANBU

Tell him there you don't want anything and he need not bother.

Then tell him you have a top he's after for sale and does he want first dibs on buying it before you sell it online.

God this is the second thread I’ve read where an adult is complaining that an adult relative isn’t matching their spending. You don’t give gifts to receive a gift of equal value, you give them because you want to give something nice to the recipient. If you can afford to give your brother a £140 football shirt then do so, for the pleasure it will give him (and by association, you, the gift-giver). If you can’t afford it, then don’t. But don’t price up your presents on the basis of what you expect in return. Yuck.

This ^^^

Its the fact ive gone out of my way to get something I know he’ll love, at great expense, and he can’t even be bothered to pick me something nice.

Are you sure that he's not just saying that?

I would return the expensive top but probably still give the other things.
It's not transactional it's about feeling valued.

What if he's bluffing and has got you something really nice?

Give him what you've already got him, because he's your brother and you love him. If he really spends a tenner, next year agree an amount with each other in advance. Communicate! Communication is the key.

Instead of “choosing a book or something”, why not tell your brother you’d love him to choose something he thinks you’ll like. You could mention being excited to give him your present this year as you know he’ll love it, if you want to convey your expectations more clearly. But even if he does give you a shit gift, does that take away the pleasure of giving someone you love something you know they’ll love?

Yes. Because it shows he just doesn’t give a shit about me

Very sad that you see love as measurable by financial expenditure.

I don’t think “pick a book or something” is a good show of love!

What is very sad is you feeling the need to chastise someone while also ignoring the context completely.

You’re focussing on the finance and ignoring the thoughtlessness. “Choose a book or something for a tenner” is not in any way a thoughtful way to give a gift, while Op has spent time, effort, and money finding something he’ll like, in part on the back of his grand declarations that this year would be different.

There is no investment in making Op happy of any kind on his part, and substantial investment from Op. As an ongoing pattern year after year it’s natural Op isn’t feeling valued and is feeling frustrated after thinking he was finally turning the corner to give a toss about doing something to make other people happy.

Match his speed Op, it’ll take the pressure off in the long run.

People show love in different ways. My adult son asked me what I want for Christmas this week. I’d prefer it if he just chose something, rather than it feel like “tell me what you want and I’ll buy it”, but that’s just not his thing. He shows me love in lots of other ways.

You obviously haven’t read my posts on this thread.

Bullshit if you know someone is spending over a hundred quid and you buy them a book for a tenner!

I’m sorry your son treats you so badly.

Give it up, totally desperate bro! OP led with He’s been going on about wanting a football top with a certain player on it (yes he’s an adult, no I don’t particularly see it as an issue!), for a few months now.

You are absolutely free to show love in different ways (and I am absolutely sure ya do), but stop mucking up the thread.

Most gifts are exchanged on a transactional basis - we don’t like to acknowledge it.

Oh, I have. In your own words, “Yuck”.

My brother used to not make any effort until his girlfriend took over present buying.

He used to 'forget' year after year. So I stopped trying to think of nice things, matched his energy and bought him a screwdriver, the £2 variety from Wilko.