Ex introducing our son to partner AND his children

[Stefan1980]

AIBU?

My ex and I offocially split last May (2024), with her finally moving out in September (2024). We current have 50/50 shared care of our 5-year old son on a week-on/week-off basis (I am still not convinced a week away from either parent is a good thing but that's another story)...

According to our parenting plan - finally signed after waiting forever... 4 weeks ago - we are obliged to inform each other if we are introduing our son to our new partner.

Incidentally - I saw my ex's profile on Bumble about 4 months ago or so.

Anyway, she messaged me on the OurFamilyWizard app during his last visit there that she was introducing our son to her new partner. I have just come off the video call I have with my son on a Monday night in which he essentially told me that, after being introduced to his mummy's friend last time, he has now met his children as well.

To me, this feels really rushed. I felt introducing my son to her new partner was a little on the quick side but introducing him to his children...? It seems quite emotionally challenging for my son. It feels like a LOT in a short space of time.

Am I right to be concerned?

YANBU, she is being very irresponsible.

Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do except be the place of constancy and calm for your dc. Don’t say anything to ex.

I would avoid her example, and not date anyone for a good long while. Concentrate on your son.

Who wanted the week on / week off?

It's not great. Don't understand the rush. I think the week on/off is almost as much of an issue sorry to say.

It’s fast but it’s done now. Does your son seem happy?

I agree it's too much too soon, but it's done now.

There will be other things in your co-parenting future you'll disagree about. It's horrid. It's hard

It's sadly just the tension you have to live with.

Be the stability for your son that you know he needs.

My ex did this within weeks of leaving me. Obviously it’s not a great idea but you don’t really get a say. I’ve dated a couple of people since, and there’s no way anyone I date will meet my young child until we’ve been seeing each other at least 6 months AND I’m as sure as I can be that the relationship is one I think has legs. Children don’t need to be involved in their parents’ relationships really, and when they are, especially early on, it’s usually for the adults’ convenience rather than the child’s wellbeing.

Unfortunately nothing you can do about it.
What you can do is show a different example.
Don't let your child see a string of friends from your side.

With respect, you have been separated for 18 months now and probably don't know the ins and outs of how long she has been with her new partner. It is never easy when an ex introduces their new OH into your child's life, but I would be led by how they feel. Be positive and ensure that it doesn't become a relationship that they feel unable to talk to you about. Personally yourself, I would just make sure that if you find yourself dating again, that you take the time to work out if the relationship has longevity before introducing your son to anyone new. Fingers crossed this is what has happened with your ex and her new partner. Obviously if this becomes a pattern of new people in his life or there seems to be deeper upset to your son, then that would be the time to bring up concerns moving forward. For now, I would watch, wait and try not to have too much of an opinion.

It's understandable you're concerned but the main thing to check is how your son reacted - if he is okay then let it go so that it doesn't become a bigger issue for your son.

She did. I wanted something more nuanced like 3-4-4-3 but she said this would be confusing...

My issue is not so much the introduction of the new partner - I can only trust her judgement on that (as difficult as that may be)... it's more the introduction to his children within a fortnight (but in terms of his time with his mum, it's the very next time he was there) of meeting him. Even if nothing is said, there's an implication of a sibling-esque relationship and that's a lot for a 5-year old to handle. He hasn't had time to adjust to a new adult male in his mum's life.

Personally, I wouldn't introduce him to someone I'm dating for at least 6, if not 12 months and, if they also had children then that would be another 6-12 months after that, if that makes sense. These are complex relationships for anyone to adjust to, but especially for a young child.

I just find it unnecessarily complex for him and another challenge he has to face emotionally.

Your timelines are better than your ex’s. Your dc is lucky to have a parent prioritising them.