To Miss My Old Life

[HingedBroccoli]

Pre-DC.

I didn't go into it light-heartedly, but no amount of discussing what it might be like could have ever prepared me for the reality of being a parent.

Seven years on and I hate it.

I'm so envious of my best friend who doesn't have DC. When I see her I'm reminded of the carefree life I used to lead.

I mourn the relationship I used to have with DP.

I cannot accept my mum-bod.

DC is rude, argumentative, loud and everything is a battle. DC has no respect for anything, she's messy and doesn't care when things get broken/damaged. She talks incessantly, she's repetitive and is constantly on the move. She won't do things when asked - even if it benefits her. I have to ask repeatedly and then I end up raising my voice.

(Now would probably be a good time to say DC is on a waiting list for autism/ADHD assessment).

I have good boundaries and I would say I'm disciplined when it comes to parenting. I pick my battles, but I just find DC to be a drainer. I'm constantly exhausted, both physically, emotionally and I'm guilt ridden because I feel I'm always on at her.

Despite everything above, I love DC. I try my best to protect her from my feelings towards her. It's getting harder because her behaviour has escalated since starting KS2. At times I can feel myself becoming despondent towards her.

AIBU to feel this way? Does anybody else feel this way, or am I just an awful human?

I know how you feel OP.

People are going to tell you that it’s just because your DC is x age and it gets better etc.

For me it never did. I hate it too and my DD is 24. She’s still living with us because of the cost of renting here (Dublin) and she’ll likely be with us for at least another two years.

I never enjoyed the “job of Mum”. I obviously love my DD and would do anything for her but I resent the utter relentlessness and responsibility of being a parent.

Does she know she's possibly ND? My daughter was diagnosed at 9 and as soon as she started to understand herself, her behaviour and outlook really really improved.

At one point I truly regretted having her. And I don't mean just thinking it for one day. It went on for months. I wasn't enjoying her at all, I dressed getting calls everyday from school evt. It was an awful awful time

She's almost 11 now and she's just such a pleasant girl to be around ( most of the time 😅 )

It's hard to shake off those feelings of hurt resentment and anger at first. But you can do it. Have you ever recognised any ND in yourself? Me and my dd are both autistic / adhd ( diagnosed within 6 months of each other) Learning about dd and myself has made everything so much easier.

Good luck I hope you can both manage to pull through to the other side. Previous posters poster is really depressing to read

I haven't spoken to her about possible ND. I think I'm somehow trying to protect her from feeling different - but know I've written it, how can I protect her from her own feelings? Maybe she is feeling different and this is why her behaviour is escalating. Despite all of the outward talking, I have a feeling there is a lot going on internally that she doesn't know how to express.

Yes!! Since recognising many traits of ND in DC, I've realised how shockingly similar we are. Her dad most definitely has ADHD. The poor child is burdened with both autism and ADHD I suspect!

Thank you for sharing your experience and feedback. You've given me some hope and perspective!

Thank you. It is comforting to know I am not alone in this feeling.

Do you work? Have friends? Exercise?

YANBU at all.

What was your relationship like with your own mother?
It reads to me like something is playing out here

Parenting is tough, but it's extra tough when it turns out it's not your bag, and then even more so if you have a child that's lot of work.

No need to feel guilty about it - you are who you are and it is what it is.

Once you get the diagnoses or not, educate yourself as much as possible on the condition, or (if no diagnoses) what type of kid you appear to have. This will make life a bit easier and you will parent better.,

Accept that this isn't an easy path for you, and that doing your best is good enough.

Build up your life so there's as much as possible of things you enjoy.

If your child's father is in the picture, make sure they are doing 50/50 or as close as possible (or more, if you can arrange it like that),

I think a hell of alot is expected of mothers now. Most of the mums I know work at least 3 to 4 days, do all the mental load and are expected to have an external life too. Its exhausting now and that's even if you havent got a child who maybe ND. I do wonder if that's why so many kids are onlies or people are opting out all together.

Yes, yes, and when I can be bothered.

Thank you.

She responds well to playful parenting, but it just isn't me.

I have the explosive child book. I'm armed up to the eyeballs about ND. Maybe because DC and I share traits, I become drained trying to navigate both of our needs.

OH does his fair share. He has a shorter fuse
when it comes to what I consider to be a battle not worth fighting, but aside from that, he has both feet in and will take her out on the weekends to give me a breather.

Is there any chance you could be ND too? My sibling is and they have found parenting classes really helpful,.as they had quite rigid expectations and needed to make peace with the reality of parenting.

Does your DD have enough time with friends,.and in clubs? My DD loves to be sociable and chat all the time so she has really benefited from doing lots of clubs and having friends round a lot

I agree with you! Females wear a lot of hats, and the world is fast and furious.

Yes, it's very likely I am ND. And I'm pretty sure her dad has ADHD. It can be a very explosive household at times. We can send one another into heightened mode in seconds.

I had a chat with the SENDCO team at school recently because I wanted to know how DC was presenting at school, and to be honest, I just needed someone to listen to me. She said she didn't think I would benefit from parenting classes - possibly because I listed all the research and techniques I've tried! I have a large toolbox because I work with families with complex needs (also emotionally draining, but I love my job).

DC has tried different activities in the past, but nothing has stuck. She goes to a couple of extra curricular classes held at school, and she has a friend she plays with outside of school. She isn't one for groups, she's very much into one-to-one friendships. If she likes somebody, she latches on. She becomes quite obsessive over people (and things).

Parenting DC has taught me a lot about myself. I probably was quite controlling until she brought it to light. I've worked hard on this and I am far more relaxed these days. She's really controlling however!

Interesting perspective.

I would say when I was young we were very close. When I become an adult I distanced myself and resented doing things for her.

I try my hardest to not parent like my mum did, although sometimes I say or do things which resemble her parenting style - especially when I'm at the end of my tether!!

I think my mum felt more for me than I felt for her. She was very rigid in her thinking, and she could be very cutting with her words.

I always thought she was selfish, but it wasn't the case. She did everything in the home and worked full-time. My dad was anything but hands on so she definitely held the load, and never really complained about it. I think her generation felt it was their duty.
She was self-absorbed (is the only way I can think to describe it). If you told her how you were feeling, she responded with 'how do you think I feel?' and then she'd go off on a tangent about herself. I'm terrified of being like that. 😅 She was quite childlike, emotionally.

Thanks for the therapy!! 😂

And happy and fulfilled with work and friends?

@HingedBroccoli posted "I try my hardest to not parent like my mum did"

Yeah, me too. I'm now child free. Did you consider this? (Obvs it's a bit late but I'm interested in peeps' original motivations.)

I dont understand . Are you a parent? Or are you child free? @CrystalSingerFan

Hi op your not alone on this im sure there are many mums/dads that feel the same.
My sister is one she has never felt like a mum no mental health no pnd nothing.
Some told her she would be fine and bonding will come when baby arrived it didnt.
Her 2 children was loved cared for, well looked after, but she never felt like a mum and hated the life of it.
She told me it was like being a big sister looking in on the out side.

Her children are now adults and moved out still close with their mum but still to this day my sister says she dose not have that mother bone.
If her kids need her she will be there asap but not because she is a mum.
The day her youngest moved out she said she felt life was back how it should be.

I never had kids my choice.

I;m child free.

You sound like you are putting everything into it and I think you are amazing. I know from close family how hard it is to manage a child with probable autism /ADHD when you are likely ND yourself. It's totally draining.

I think finding a way to get a regular predictable break may help

And also, my DSD was a lot like your DD and she is now the most fabulous young adult, lovely to be around and we are so proud of her - so it isn't this intense for ever

Don't beat yourself up OP.
Alot of people feel like this but can't admit it.
We are seemingly surrounded by happy, content mums whose children are amazing. In reality, people are struggling and not enjoying it.
Please take care of yourself OP.
I am pleased that you have shared your feelings.

I never wanted children. Then one day my biological clock well and truly kicked in. I was jealous of anybody who had children or pregnant.

I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, and obviously she was planned.

Yes. I keep my circle small, but the ones in it are diamonds. I do like my own company more than the average person. I replenish my energy by being alone.

My job is challenging, to say the least - I love it though.