Is rudeness subjective?

[Beeholdern]

I seem to attract weird men when I’m out and about.

I'm 50-odd, and odd, sturdy, I don't smile much and I'm socially awkward.

I tend to wear airpods a lot to minimise engagement with people.

But honestly I just seen to attract older men who want to small talk.

On Saturday I was wearing an England Rugby jersey, which I now know was a mistake, as it was inviting comment. And 3 separate men mentioned just dross about the team.

My stock response is either some sort of "ahh, hmm" and move on or "ahha, I'm just here to shop/browse/eat/chat with a friend". Not particularly dismissively, but clearly not entering into conversation.

This happens frequently, not to do with team allegiances - they'll just talk to me, I don't encourage.

A few times people have said "no need to be rude, I'm just chatting to you".

But I don't see it as rude; just closing down unwanted tedium.

Is rudeness subjective?

Yabu - you're rude for not giving strangers your time and small talk

Yanbu - it's not rude to not encourage conversations

One man's rude is another man's norm?

I have also called rude when I do not give men the attention they want, but no woman has ever done this. Also been told to cheer up by men quite often. And they often wait to comment that "you're in a disabled space" and I have to say, "Yes I am disabled" then endure all the "you don't look disabled" as if thats a massive compliment. It's really boring. Maybe when they call me rude I should say "Sorry? What? You are so boring my brain automatically stopped listening" and see what happens then 😂

Wearing an England shirt on the day of one of their biggest games of the year will probably invite some rugby small talk from other fans. I get the same when I wear an Irish rugby shirt from a casual 'good luck today' through to 'I think Sam Prendergast should play at 10 with Stuart McClosky at 12 and they should play a kicking game with Hansen and Lowe chasing on the wings blah blah'. The former is fine, the latter wants me to eat my own head in boredom so I will usually bat the conversation away. Most get the hint.

You have to ask why people wear clothing with slogans on, or that advertises their sporting/musical allegiances. It's sending out a message - I like this band/team or I have a quirky sense of humour. It's human nature to respond to messages received.

I agree! It was such a big result in the rugby as well. When I wear my football shirt I always get men (and women and kids) either nodding at me, chatting, giving a 'for our sins' eye roll etc. I do the same if I see one as well. But then I don't mind a chat with anyone even if it's in the food aisle in Sainsbury's. A bloke once asked me to decipher his wife's list and it took us ages to realise it was baby bels

It’s not rude to try and start a conversation

it is rude to try and continue if the other person isn’t interested

I tend to say “no thank you” no matter what has been said - perhaps the thank you steers off the “no need to be rude “ comments ?

We used to be social creatures. I think some people still crave some sort of commonality and connection.
Really sad that commenting on a shared interest of rugby is reason to get annoyed at someone.

I mean, no wonder there's a loneliness epidemic :(

It’s not the initial comment that made OP annoyed through

it’s the assumption that she is rude because she don’t want to talk to someone

being social creatures means we should respect each other not insist that our right to talk is morally superior and correct

Some people look more approachable than others. Whenever I go out and about with one friend of mine, it is guaranteed that at least 1-2 strangers approach him to start a conversation. He doesn't shut them down and just says a very short friendly reply back.

I think it is a positive thing to look approachable and it is not always about sexual advances! My friend gets men and women just starting conversations with him. He has a friendly face.

I wouldn't interpret every stranger that starts talking to you as a sexual advance. They might want to be friendly and have a short exchange to pass the day. Also I don't think it warrants a blunt reply every time.

I very rarely get people trying to talk to me, even when I was young and pretty. I have a terrible resting bitch face (I'm actually a nice, happy person but apparently my face says the opposite!) Maybe OP has a friendly expression?

I've got mixed feelings about the issue OP has raised. Of course people shouldn't pester others with unwanted conversation. But if no one ever spoke to strangers, how would we ever make any friends in the first place? And sometimes a short, pleasant, passing exchange can brighten one's day. I've had other women saying they love my perfume and asking what it is or my coat/ where did I get it etc. A few seconds chat, then I'm walking away and I have a spring in my step suddenly! I'm also a sucker for a cute doggy. If I'm passing a nice dog and the owner looks friendly I will say your dog is lovely, may I stroke? Most people seem delighted that their four legged friend is popular. But maybe I shouldn't say anything? Maybe I'm making a nuisance of myself?

But maybe I shouldn't say anything? Maybe I'm making a nuisance of myself?

If you're a man and all the strokeable dogs are being led by women, then you probably are.

@GarlicHound I'm definitely not a man and usually only ask whilst accompanied by my dog-mad child!

Phew 😂 You're all good, then!

Jeez

Men are not automatically trying to flirt with you because they dare to speak to you

If you wear a sports top/band tee/fandom type top etc you're basically marking out your "tribe" and people will see that and make a comment relating to it

Men and women.

You're not being rude by not wanting to interact but all those people acting like men are trying to flirt or demand your time just because they recognised you as a fellow "member" of their tribe.... no

Nowhere in my OP did I say that I think it's flirting. I'm a socially awkward odd 50year old sturdy woman- it's definitely not about attractiveness.

And I also admitted that wearing the shirt was a mistake. So obviously I won't do that again.

It wouldn't be too hard to read my one post properly would it before you write your disparaging post would it?

@BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind

Thank you for everyone else's kind comments, it helps me to feel that my thoughts are not uncommon.