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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dealing with boyfriend obsessed friend

13 replies

cadburygorilla · 16/11/2025 23:37

I was just wondering how other people have dealed with a friend who is boyfriend obsessed. I have a friend who has dealt with difficult anxiety and depression since she was a teenager, and I have been the one who she phoned when she was in a bad place. She’s been on very strong medications and has been very open in public about her struggles.

She’s had several boyfriends but with the latest one she has become very obsessed. I think that they are a good match and hope that it will go well. But I rarely hear from her now. I invited her over a few weeks ago for a takeaway and when I asked her a couple of nights before what time she wanted to come she said that she was going to go to see her boyfriend instead, even though I hadn’t seen her for months. I did tell her then that what she’d done was quite hurtful, and that if she’s committed, she should stick to the plan. She’s with him at all opportunities and has stoped taking part in her team sports etc.

She says that she’s cured from her mental health issues now, which is wonderful, but I’m struggling to get my head round how she went from being so ill to be cured so quickly. I’m very much of the opinion that I want to leave her to it because he’s obviously making her happy, but then I wondered if I was being too blasé about it? I just feel like if we distance, then these things happen, and at least I know it wasn’t on my part, but should I be more cautious?

I’m just worried that if things go wrong or if she becomes ill again? That she’ll need her friends but we will have distanced by then and moved on

You are being unreasonable - you should be telling her of your concerns that she’s distancing from everyone else
You are not being unreasonable - leave her to it, it’s her own doing, so move on without her

OP posts:
theodoretrout · 16/11/2025 23:55

Very sorry to hear about your friend. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you're not responsible for another person's well-being. This can lead to some very unhealthy attachment problems.

Try to step back a bit and try not to get over-invested.

cadburygorilla · 17/11/2025 07:44

Bump

OP posts:
Pollqueen · 17/11/2025 07:50

theodoretrout · 16/11/2025 23:55

Very sorry to hear about your friend. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you're not responsible for another person's well-being. This can lead to some very unhealthy attachment problems.

Try to step back a bit and try not to get over-invested.

This. Not a lot else to say really. You can't control another's actions or behaviours

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/11/2025 07:50

Agree with PP. You've done the right things - told her you were upset that she bailed on you, reminded her that friendships are important. You can keep doing that (a few more times before you lose patience), but ultimately these are her mistakes to make. You can't force her to not make them.

I would cut her some slack as clearly her mental health issues haven't been magically washed away, but maintain your own boundaries.

converseandjeans · 17/11/2025 08:11

She was using you as a support when she was unhappy & now she has a boyfriend she seems to have ditched you. I bet as soon as anything goes wrong she will be back in touch. Honestly she sounds like an emotional drain - does she ever ask you how you are? Does she check in with you? Does she ever treat you to a gift? Or is it all about her mental health?

cadburygorilla · 17/11/2025 11:48

Wonderful, thank you all for confirming. I’m a firm believer of “matching the energy” and wasn’t prepared to continue trying to keep the friendship going when she just wanted to spend all her time with the boyfriend instead of her friendship groups, but was starting to doubt myself and thought that I may be a bit harsh and that we should continue trying in case things went wrong for her

OP posts:
cadburygorilla · 18/11/2025 18:14

Interesting, thank you

OP posts:
theodoretrout · 18/11/2025 23:33

cadburygorilla · 18/11/2025 18:14

Interesting, thank you

Welcome OP. All the best to you.

cadburygorilla · 04/12/2025 21:20

Just realised that I meant “dealt” not “dealed”, oops terrible English

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 04/12/2025 21:23

theodoretrout · 16/11/2025 23:55

Very sorry to hear about your friend. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you're not responsible for another person's well-being. This can lead to some very unhealthy attachment problems.

Try to step back a bit and try not to get over-invested.

This.

Detach and step back.
Invest your time and energy in someone who doesnt drain you.

PinkyFlamingo · 04/12/2025 21:27

It's not your responsibility to monitor your friends mental health. I would doubt very much she's "cured". Sjrs a grown adult whose choosing to put a man before her friend's leave her to it.

Katie2908 · 05/12/2025 07:17

I had a friend like this we were so close when she didnt have a boyfriend. She would ring and text all the time, but when she got a boyfriend she would trail off. Then come back. Then go again. It got to the point where I did feel used. But when she did come back, she had so much going on so I was always there for her as I was worried about her mental health. But she was always so back and forth. I ended up just taking a step back, and shes now got a new boyfriend and has done for a while and I haven't heard from her in about 6 months.

My advice just take a step back and if youre worried be there if she needs you. Especially if this is the first time shes like this. She could just be excited about her new relationship, but if it continues just take a step back

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