Am I just a hot headed mum who needs to chill?

[Justacupofteaa]

I’m a SAHM of 3 under 4 with no help and pretty much a tired mess the whole time! My partner and I argue a lot now from tiredness and barely getting to spend time together but recently the arguments have spilled in front of the kids which I try not to but my partner says it’s my fault every time.

Id argue it’s that the language he uses causes me to, ashamedly, react by yelling. I’ll give a few examples and you can tell me if I’m the problem please so I can look into getting help.

recently our youngest had an accident and was bleeding badly. I was trying to hold her still so that I could assess the wound and I asked my partner in a hurried loud voice to help and bring something to cover it with. He then tells me infront of our children to calm down twice before I lose it and shout STOP. To which he looks at me and says not to shout at him infront of them. So I back off. I say i might need to take her to A&E to which he replies “well I’m not taking her so it has to be you”.

another instance is that he always likes to cook. Not out of kindness but because he forces me to have all the kids so he can watch sport while he cooks. Sometimes I can’t get them to all stay in the same room and if they wander to the kitchen he shouts out to say what am I doing letting them come through. So I set up an imaginary picnic for the kids and our middle child goes through…I run and say to him come back (because I get stressed my partner will get annoyed) and try to persuade him by jokingly saying come back or me and the others will eat all the cake. My toddler being a toddler starts having a tantrum about us eating all the imaginary cake and so my partner comes in a says to him “come to daddy for a cuddle, it’s ok, you can come in the kitchen” and then says to me “that wasn’t nice to say”.

we leave it until they’re in bed to properly argue it out but he always recalls his side of things as calm responses which, having been the youngest child of 4 myself, gets me speaking louder and louder because I feel like I’m never heard. I know it’s not the right way for me to communicate & he ends up just saying “stop yelling all the time”. So it shuts the conversation and we don’t speak again sometimes for days. In every day arguments I’m always the first to apologise or get over it usually because I don’t have the energy to care anymore & im more willing out of the two of us to accept I won’t get an apology from him so it’s easier for me to say sorry and move on.

It sounds like an awful environment for your kids and unenjoyable for you.

Are you financially independent? Own your own house? If not, consider getting a job, you're vulnerable if dependent on a boyfriend.

I think as you've said yourself you are (both) bad at communicating. And you also have different parent styles.

In the first example you gave it sounds like you were panicking about your child bleeding. Calming down was probably a good idea. But I don't know how he said it which might have been more what you reacted to?

In the second example, it's not a good idea to have young children underfoot when you are cooking and it does sound like you upset your toddler over the imaginary cake. But it also sounds like he's being unreasonable to make you do all the childcaring while does the cooking, so I understand you being resentful about that.

Basically it sounds like you are both trying to score points off each other which doesn't leave either of you coming out well.

And to pick up on a point you made - you are responsible for your behaviour. Own it.

You both sound like you’re taking everything way too seriously. You sound highly strung and he sounds like a point-scoring dick.

Put a gate on the kitchen and split the cooking evenly so you can do dinner some nights while listening to/watching something you want to watch and he can mind the kids.

@Abracadabrador i am financially stable in that I had a job until having our third child and put money into joint savings. We own our house together. I don’t currently have a job as I was made redundant while on maternity leave with our third and have struggled to find a part time role - I’ve been at a few final interviews and did not get the job but I’m still looking.

It sounds really dysfunctional, and like both of you need to chill.
In the scenario where the child was injured, it sounds like you did need to calm down because it's not good for the child if you are panicking, but no one ever calms down by being told to calm down - he could have been more reassuring instead ( sounds like you were both worried and took it out on each other) but it isn't good to be yelling at him in front of the children.
About the cooking - I don't think either of you were really wrong there but what is the deal with why you were so worried about the child going to the kitchen? Would he usually yell at them for coming in?
And it sounds like you don't actually want him to do all the cooking - can you discuss it when it's a good time to have a conversation (a calm time just the 2 of you) and say that you'd like to alternate so that you both get a turn at doing the cooking while the other focuses on the children.
I think having lots of young children can be quite stressful but you both need to work together.

@Eenameenadeeka thanks for your response. To answer the few questions you had, yes, he has set a rule that when he’s cooking we aren’t allowed to come in the kitchen and no tv time is allowed either. He doesn’t yell at the kids, but he will yell at me if they enter because he views it as I’m not doing a good job.

I should probably have clarified that I do cook during the week on days when he’s in the office. Because he’s not around, I use TV time to get by if needed or have them in playing!

Why the fuck does he get to be the rule maker?! Fuck him…I would just say sorry mate that doesn’t work for us. Make the dinner and I’ll do whatever I NEED to do while you do that!!

Yeah this sounds too controlling, I get not wanting them in the kitchen when cooking because it can be dangerous but off that he thinks he can tell you they aren't allowed to watch tv?

You're both making mistakes and not communicating well. Although panicking when DC was injured is understandable, you do need to stay calm for your child in them moments so they don't panic.
Under 4s in the kitchen whilst someone is cooking isn't safe, get a safety gate.
The eating all the cake comments and causing a tantrum wasn't great but I do understand you were feeling under pressure to get him out of the kitchen.
Your DH sounds pretty lazy and lacking insight into his part in things, he needs to step up and also needs to communicate better.
Patenting young DC is hard! Maybe trying to carve out some quality time together once they're in bed and trying to discuss the issues when you're both relaxed might help. There's only so much you can do alone though, you can't make him change, he needs to be willing to do that himself.

He’s a controlling son of a bitch