DH complaining is really starting to get to me

[Whatsername1]

DH has recently been saying how tired and overworked he is and just generally not having the time to fit everything in. He is becoming really down about this and doesn't seem to be coping well. I know there is no point in trying to counter what he is saying because he's obviously feeling a certain way, but it's incredibly frustrating to listen to. He works "full time" (regularly told to take the day off and "wfh", does half shifts frequently due to not being busy, nightshifts are a few hours then home once everything is sorted). Depending on his schedule his days off sometimes fall on a day when I'm at work at DS is at nursery. So a day to himself to do whatever. I work 3 days part time on the same days DS is in nursery so I can look after him on the other 4 days. I do the majority of cleaning, and all the cooking. I am happy to do the vast share of looking after DS because it's what I signed up for going part time and we agreed it worked and made sense. Also I enjoy it. DH loves spending time with DS so does try and attend every appointment (there are a lot) and days out, activities if he can. I do feel very guilty to be writing all of this because I hate to think my DH is unhappy or not able to cope with the demands of life, but I don't know how to deal with this. At least for him to acknowledge how easy his work is rather than saying how swamped he is when we both know it's absolutely not true. I never stop, I do every early morning with DS, don't have a hobby etc. Do I just need to support him and sympathise or does he need a reality check? I have advised speaking to GP so it doesn't get worse and am doing what I can to make him feel better.

Well, you could start by asking him what he thinks needs to change for his wellbeing to improve. I think that would be my starting point.

As for your own concerns, they are also valid, but put them on the back burner temporarily to avoid getting into a competitive victimhood cycle!

Is he resentful of working full time? He does need a reality check. However what is it he wants to do that he can't fit in? I felt a bit overwhelmed a month ago after being ill. I'm setting out 'fun/days off' to counteract it. As well as using lists.

I think the issue isn't that he IS really busy, but that he FEELS overwhelmed. Poor mental health can make even small things overwhelming so I don't think there is any value in you pointing out that he shouldn't feel overwhelmed because his schedule isn't actually that gruelling. When depression or anxiety take hold it's not really about the objective reality of the situation, but your subjective experience of it.

All that said, he is an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his own mental well-being. He needs to eat well, sleep well, exercise, reduce alcohol consumption, do something like mindfulness/mediation/journaling and see his GP. I would support him to do this.

(I notice you said he has some night shifts. Shift work is a known cause of poor physical and mental health so this may explain, in part, why he's finding things difficult).

@Bungle2168 I have asked him this. My post might read otherwise but I do care first and foremost about his health and want him to feel better. He said he just needs more time in general and to have less on his plate. I have suggested looking for other jobs that might have a more regular shift pattern, and to reduce days spent at one of his hobbies.

@Ponoka7 I don't think he resents working full time, but I do think he finds general adult life and the responsibilities that come with having a child difficult. He gets overwhelmed when there is anything serious to deal with such as things needing repaired around the house or unexpected bills. As far as I can see he has lots of time to fit everything in but this is where my issue lies as I don't feel I can point this out without sounding unsupportive. He will often have full days out doing his hobby while I take DS for the day, so it's not lack of time to do anything enjoyable or relaxing.

@NuffSaidSam you're absolutely right. We have had conversations about trying to get better sleep, what things he could improve on etc, so hopefully that will help.

I see.

Did he provide any specifics? What is his action plan for improvement, while still maintaining some commitment to his familial responsibilities?

Or is it that he can no longer be arsed with family life?

As someone actually going through this I can see his point- you do get to a stage where you’re like ‘Jesus I’m never actually stopping this rat race, it just keeps going’ and I don’t have any of the shit my dh does and actually my wage doesn’t do that much in the grand scheme of things.

No matter what you do you think you have it harder, so he thinks he has it harder while you’re thinking god he’s got so much flexibility. The bottom line is knowing you’ve another twenty plus years of work sucks!!! I’d talk to him and see if both of you can start enjoying life together more/ going more places/ getting a break etc

What’s his physical health like? Does he go running or anything? And does he eat healthily? This and stopping night shifts and getting good sleep would be a good start.

I'm sorry but if he's regularly getting whole days to himself at home then he's got a lot more spare time than you have and Id be getting pissed if my DH was moaning like that.

He sounds like my ex. Basically he was just immature and didn’t want to spend time doing anything that wasn’t fun. Selfish git.

Yes me too!
There was a thread recently by a woman whose husband didn't work but also did FA around the house and his therapist apparently kept telling him he needed to take.time out for his hobbies to help his mental health.
your DH sounds like he could go this way because I think hes coming across as really selfish. you say you have no time for hobbies whereas he has 'full days out' for his, how is that fair?

It sounds like you have all the mental load and barely any spare time to relax and do things you enjoy. I take it you never get a full day to go and "do a hobby"? What about your mental health?

He sounds very selfish and immature. I wonder if he actually is stressed and overwhelmed or if he sees how busy you are and it's afraid you might ask him to step up, so this is a convenient commentary that means you "can't". My dad was just the same and my mum never challenged it. Even when he retired (at 55, what a dream!) and she still worked and did all the cooking and cleaning he was miraculously still "too busy and stressed" to help with anything.

It might sound like I'm being dismissive about mental health but there comes a point when the person suffering low MH leans on the other partner so much, (rather than taking responsibility to address what is needed to improve things) surely it will start to take a toll on the partners mental health. Once both are mentally unwell, what then? Especially if there is a child to care for.

Honestly, it just sounds like he needs to get a grip.

Keep pushing (but with a kind, neutral tone) for specifics about what needs to change. Eg 'what do you think you could drop to have less on your plate?' Make him think through the solutions rather than it becoming your problem to fix. But also point out if he says eg 'less childcare' the amounts you relatively do and who will need to pick up the thing he wants to drop 'so you're saying you want to take Fridays off doing childcare, do you want me to take it on as my fifth day, or do we pay for nursery?' Choices have consequences.

@christmasplann he is trying to go to the gym more regularly and get out for walks - I've always said just to go whenever and I'll sort things in the house, if it helps and it's what he needs. His diet isn't too bad, but he doesn't really cook proper meals. He will eat healthily when it's me that does it.