AIBU to give my mum an ultimatum about her drinking?

[pontipinemum]

Huge backstory between me and my mum. The highlights - I was sent to live with my grandparents at six weeks old, back and forth for years, and by three I was with them full-time. My dad left completely. My mum saw me a handful of times a year until she suddenly moved me in with her and my stepdad at 12. That home was abusive and neglectful in every way. I’m in counselling for it now.

Around 13 she encouraged me to drink at home, and by 15 I was clubbing and in such awful situations it makes me cringe looking back.

Fast forward to now: I went mostly alcohol free 6 years ago and fully alcohol free a year ago. I have a husband, two young kids, a full-time job, a house, and I’m studying for exams. I’ve just been diagnosed with severe combined ADHD, I’m dyslexic, I have trauma issues, and after my second child I had severe PPD. Life is full on, and I’m doing everything I can to stay stable for my boys.

My mum, meanwhile, is still drinking heavily. She has two serious health conditions, and while I’m not a doctor, family members with medical experience agree alcohol is a major factor. Some of the damage is permanent, but a lot would improve if she quit.

She was meant to come up this weekend (I’m two hours away). When I rang her on Friday it was immediately obvious she had been drinking heavily. She didn’t come. My three-year-old asked all weekend, “Where is she?” This isn’t the first time. She usually says she’s “sick,”. Work colleagues etc pity her, which she thrives on.

I have posted on her several times about her.

AIBU to give her an ultimatum? I know the advice usually says not to, but I’m at a loss for what else to do.

Well you can do, but it won't make a blind bit of difference.

What would the ultimatum be?

It’s very difficult to watch someone destroy themselves with alcohol, and I imagine even more difficult to know that it caused neglect which could’ve destroyed you.

You don’t owe your mum anything, but you do need to take care of your own MH. Would a NC situation help you, or make you feel bad?

What's the point in giving an alcoholic an ultimatum?

It doesn't work like that.

I'd just cut contact instead.

You just need to let her go

No ultimatum will fix her.
make peace with that.

What does she bring now to your life or your thrree year old?

I've been in your position OP and I'm so sorry you're here.

My Mum recovered but only after I became cut throat, ice cold and ruthless after her drinking escalated.

I stopped organising contact. I put down the phone if I knew she was drunk. I called into her work when I suspected she was working whilst under the influence. I called the police when i thought she was drunk driving

Has your mum been assessed for ADHD herself, may explain her behaviour

As someone with first-hand experience of alcoholism, I can tell you that ultimatums never, ever work with addicts. Why do you even want to pursue a relationship with this woman who exposed you to terrible abuse and neglect as a child and still behaves appallingly? Please do not inflict her on yourself or your children for a moment longer. It will only get worse, it always does.

Get her out of your life now and focus on your own lovely little family unit. She is killing herself through alcohol anyway, don’t expose yourself to her decline into the final abyss. Take care of yourself.

You need to let her do her own thing she didn't stop with her children why would she stop for her grandchildren, I know you just want a decent and present grandma for your boys but she isn't able for that, I would suggest not telling the kids she is visiting if she is likely to not show, how many ultimatums has she had i bet more than 1.

Look after you and yours first.

I called her GP and gave them notice what was going on and told all her friends and acquaintances that she was struggling with alcohol. I made the church and her groups aware. It felt so cruel at the time but she was drinking so heavily and for so long I was worried about her dying.

As soon as she knew every eye was on her and there was nowhere to hide she started on her journey to recovery.

I, of course, was always there if she was genuinely in trouble but I needed eyes from all directions on her. It's a hard mindset to get into and I understand if it doesn't feel right for you to go down the same route as me but I was so so desperate.

u need to go no contact concentrate on yourself and ur family. They must always come first. Your mum is a huge let down and u and she knows it. She is not going to change. Don’t let her do to your kids what she did to you. Make this the last time she gets to let them down. Then give yourself a break. Ur past is ur past. It’s back there. Ur mum is a constant reminder of it. U need to break loose from her. She is not good for u or ur family. It’s sad to say but u have to let her go. Yes alcoholism is a disease but she has no intentions it seems of helping her so until she is sober and not letting u down u must let her go. In every way. U tell her you won’t be in touch. Not to visit. U block numbers and all social media. And then u have to follow through. Only then will u get some sanity and can give ur family the time they deserve and the peace u deserve.

Dont waste your time, it won't work. Just go nc. I'm surprised you haven't already tbh.

Although they may seem the same i think there's a difference between an ultimatum and setting your own boundaries.

An ultimatum implies you hope somebody will immediately change in response. Setting boundaries implies you know that person isn't going to change in the immediate future but that you need to prioritise your own and your children's wellbeing until they do.

I think its fine to tell your mum you aren't going to see her until she's addressed her drinking, if that's what you mean. But do it as setting boundaries rather than delivering an ultimatum. She's not going to suddenly stop drinking because you tell her what the consequences will be, but its fine to prioritise your wellbeing and your children's wellbeing until she does.

I’ve said YABU because what is the point of giving her an ultimatum. It won’t get you anywhere with her.

The thing with an ultimatum is that it has to be on you as much as on the addict in your life. That means you have to be prepared to implement it if your addict breaks it. Are you ready to say to your mum 'If you don't stop drinking, I will go fully no contact with you'?

Because if you aren't, then it's pointless. If you are (and I think you need to be) then you will be bringing a little peace back into your life and most of all your mind.

Pop on over to our support thread for people who have family/partners/husbands/wives with alcohol issues and we will help you. It's on the Alcohol Support board.

Unfortunately, ultimatums don't work with alcoholics.

What ultimatum?

Keep her away from you.

Keep her away from your kid.

I think I want to give her a chance to actually do it. I want to know that I have really tried. Because I do feel still feel such huge responsibility for her and I want her to get better.

She isn't even 60 yet. But can hardly walk with her 'illnesses' her brain function is massively affected. About 6 years ago I when she was in ICU pretty much unconscious for 3 weeks, followed by another 3 weeks recovery in hospital I was told to 'prepare' myself. Like they really thought she was going to die. It was without a doubt caused by extensive drinking for decades.

She had another long stint in hospital last year. Again they have diagnosed something that will garner a lot of sympathy but it is undoubtably caused by alcohol. On her referral letter (which she give me I didn't snoop) the chemical equation for alcohol was written on it. When I told her what it meant she was so annoyed. She denies it to doctors, I know they aren't stupid but she isn't getting treated for what the issue is.

She went through a bad time with my dad leaving and my step dad being an abusive ALL the swear words. She blames me for her getting stuck and not having the life she was supposed to have. She has only ever said that when she is drunk and denies it when she is sober. I know it's not my fault but it is hard to take away those 'building blocks' inside yourself.

I just want the mum I deserve. I feel very sad that this is her life

You can. As long as you're mentally prepared for her to choose booze over you. Because she probably will, sadly. Sounds like she's heavily dependent.

sadly you’ll never have the mum you deserve, making peace with that will help more than still chasing the fantasy by giving her an ultimatum, put your energy into the healthy areas of your life OP

I’m sorry to read all you have gone through and had to carry. I can resonate a lot with what you’ve experienced and send you so much care annd strength. And still after all you’ve been through, I sense your hope that maybe one day she will choose recovery. And that’s one of the hardest feelings to manage - as she perhaps won’t ever choose recovery and if and when she does, it will be on her terms and timescale.
You didn’t cause this, you can’t control her alcohol use and you can’t cure it: and I know that is painful to realise. You look back at that younger version and cringe- but perhaps that uncomfortable feeling is shame that isn’t even yours to carry. You were coping in the only way you could. It is understandable to feel loss for the younger version of yourself that missed out on childhood due to her alcohol use and the sadness of having a parent who wasn’t and isn’t able to prioritise you.
Gently, I wonder how it might feel for you to focus on yourself and your needs. Boundaries are probably difficult, particularly with your mum- but only she can do it. And she maybe won’t. Even if she does, things might not be better. It is ok for you to focus on you and your kids. You don’t have to “try” one more time. It isn’t your situation to fix.

An ultimatum in the sense of "If you keep doing something I don't like, I'll do something you don't like" is a form of emotional manipulation. It's an attempt to strong-arm someone into doing something they don't want to do. You don't have the legal nor moral right to insist that someone else lives their life the way you think they should. Ultimatums are also largely pointless when you're dealing with somebody who has an addiction because the addiction doesn't play by that kind of rules.

Instead, what you can do is draw a boundary. The difference is that an ultimatum is aimed at one person and there's an implicit or explicit threat - "If you keep drinking I'm not going to let you see my kids" - to try to enforce it. By contrast, a boundary is not aimed at anyone in particular and has no implied threat but is instead about your protection. Eg, "If I suspect that someone in my presence, or the presence of my children, is under the influence of a legal or illegal drug then I will remove me/them as quickly as I can", or "Anyone who repeatedly lets down me/my children will no longer be offered the opportunity of contact" or whatever.

A boundary is about specifying behaviours that you will no longer accept and the response you will follow to protect yourself from those behaviours. They're not aimed at specific people, they're aimed at anyone who exhibits those behaviours. Crucially, boundaries are not about getting anyone to stop doing the thing you find unacceptable. You can't control what other people do. A boundary is about making it clear to yourself what you have chosen to no longer expose yourself to, and having a pre-prepared exit plan to get yourself away from it if/when you need to. Boundaries are about personal protection, not trying to get someone else to change.

@ILoveLeopard245 I am awful at boundaries but I am working on it and have come a long way in the last year with counselling.

@HowardTJMoon I was thinking about this earlier. I know I can't control anyone and I wouldn't try. I suppose I want to tell her what I will and will not put up with, IDK if that is a boundary or an ultimatum. She already thinks I am punishing her, she wanted to come and see me/ DC next weekend I told her I will see her at Christmas. I have plans every weekend though.

There is only so much I can deal with from her

@lizardwithsocks I had stopped calling her out on it because it was just easier not to. But I did the last few days. I told her all her health issues are because of drink and that she isn't fooling anyone.