Not sure which way to turn….

[AK1984]

Im 41 and so burnt out. I’m literally exhausted everyday. I manage to hold down my highly stressful job and am helping my eldest do his GCSE’s plus my youngest do her 11+ and my husband do a masters but I’m just finished the whole time. We have no money to buy in help (completely our own fault but there isn’t a penny at the end of any month). I’m gaining weight, I don’t exercise and I eat rubbish. I’m broken. Aibu to not know where to begin in sorting myself out!? Suggestions gratefully received!

What you are describing is all of you doing their own thing, quite successfully. Each of your relatives is studying - congratulations
You as an individual need to find out what your cup is and how to fill it
Life can go as it is without spending extra money - all the best

You're amazing and doing a fantastic job. This phase won't last forever. Be kind to yourself.
do you need to "help" a grown man with his studies?

Except they aren’t doing their own thing, I’m helping them and so have no time for my thing. Today I have spent an hour on bonding in chemistry, two on the rainforest plus tidying and cleaning the house and getting ready for the week ahead. If I don’t nag and help then they don’t do it!

Every essay he has had to write I check, rewrite, improve the grammar….i do know how completely ridiculous this sounds. I work 50-60 hours a week and then do this on top. How do I reclaim me!?!?

Stop trying to help everyone else and look after yourself.

Your husband is a grown adult and can complete his studies alone, your GCSE age child is also capable of studying alone and can attend school study clubs etc.

It sounds like you’re micromanaging situations that don’t need to be.

Let go of more things and you’ll realise the world doesn’t fall apart if you aren’t the one dealing with them.

Make some goals for yourself. Something manageable like aiming to get outside for a half hour walk three times a week and drinking a decent amount of water each day. These small changes will help you feel more nourished and positive. Set reminders on your phone every few hours to remind you to drink a pint of water.

Get your husband doing more around the house and the kids as well. Stop trying to do everything yourself.

Why the hell are you doing this?

You’re being a martyr doing everything for everyone and then wondering why you’re so drained.

What?! That's madness. Tell him to use chatgpt or grammar grammarly.

I do know I’m being ridiculous! Suggestion of doing a small thing for me everyday is great. It is the fear of them not succeeding that makes me micromanage everything….which I also do in my job and drives the juniors mad! Urgh I’m a mess!!

You're not a mess
a small change and you'd be able to take better care of yourself too

It’s good you can see where the issue lies.

You cannot do everything for your children or husband for their whole lives. It’s setting them up to fail. They need to learn to be independent self thinking adults who can manage this world solo.

Try finding some self help books on the subject or even some instagrams pages about helping to let go and stop micromanaging.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

You need to stop doing your DHs work, as well as burning yourself out, it's not ethical. You rewriting it is no better than plagiarism.
I'd ease up with the GCSEs to, at that point your DC should be independently revising. You're not going to be any use to anyone if you completely burn out to the point you can't function.

Why do you feel responsible for doing their work? How will DC learn study skills and become independent if you're doing it for them? Why aren't you leaving DH to get on with his studying? Just stop. Tell them they're responsible for their own studying. Spend the time finding out what makes you feel fulfilled.

You sound so wound up OP. Drop all these ropes you've self appointed yourself responsible for and try seeing a different POV on your behaviour.
Micromanaging your team is harming their development. Rewriting your husband's work is cheating. Being overly involved in your kids' work is setting them up for failure because they're not self reliant.

I'm not saying this to be mean, just to try help you see the downside of your being 'helpful'.

What if I don’t know what makes me fulfilled!? So worried that if they don’t need me then they won’t want to spend time with me? (I do know this is the definition of crazy!)

Why are you rewriting your husbands masters’ essays? If he can’t cope with the work he shouldn’t be doing a masters.

Why are working 50-60 HR weeks? If you start addressing the issue of your compulsion to micromanage your colleagues, can you work fewer hours? None of this is sustainable, and in general people don't appreciate being micromanaged.

You really need to create some space to relax, to work on you and your self esteem.

Is your husband pulling his weight, 11+ is a while off, are the GCSEs this school year?

Are you doing this for your husband or your son?

Tbh, they should both be doing this for themselves, but particularly your DH.

50-60 hours a week is to keep my head above water with my job. I think I have a problem with micromanaging and switching off. I’m going to start by saying I can’t help with the masters and encourage my son to work a bit more on his own (he is year 10). I’m going to start by doing ten minutes yoga a day…for me….uninterrupted!

GCSEs are a long way off, you are putting unnecessary pressure on all involved