To be fed up ?

[GagMeWithASpoon]

My mum won’t let go of the (mostly made up) younger version of me she has in her head.

In her mind I’m still the teen that “traumatised” her , flakey, reckless , irresponsible, fat , boy crazy etc.
I don’t think I was that bad and I had a lot of trauma to deal with (some caused by her) that was never acknowledged or had support with. Anyway, maybe I was terrible, who knows, regardless of why.

But I’m 40 now! I’ve been in the same (stable,healthy) relationship for 16 years, I’ve got a job , a home , a pretty well raised child etc. Nothing exceptional(and none of it good enough for her ), but a fully functional adult at the very least. I want her to see me for who I am, not who I was.

She still brings up the past, asks when do I plan to grow up, calls me flakey and reckless , says she doesn’t know what I’m going to do next because of that and so on. Even stupid shit like “oh you know how to cut an onion?”.
Or if I ring her in the middle of the day and she forgets I was off she asks if I got fired.

I’m keeping her at arm’s length and I’m very careful with what I share with her but it’s fucking exhausting.

It also hurts that I can use her as a sounding board or ask for advice or have a moan or emotional support like so many people do. Tbf, I can’t even share good stuff because she always finds something that is wrong or lacking or whatever. It’s like she’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop and her to be proven right, once again , of what a disappointment/not quite good enough I am.

I recognise quite a lot of that. All I can say is that she’s unlikely to change. Have you ever sat down with her and had a frank conversation? Might be worth one final go before you protect yourself by no longer having any expectations of the relationship, and giving yourself space to mourn the relationship you wish you had.

What a nightmare. She sounds bitter.

Tell her a few home truths and see where that leaves you. Why should you be subjected to her assault everytime. I wouldn't tolerate it.

It’s not every time (probably because I keep things so very superficial) , but it does eventually always come up. Sometimes I think it’s finally sunk in when it hasn’t happened for a while , she even managed to say she’s proud of me once, and we’ve turned a new leaf, but eventually it does come up again.

I know she wants more/bigger/better for me, but I’m happy enough. Why can’t she be?

I’m 51 and my parents did similar. But, it stopped largely when I told them to stop and reminded them I am an adult, and if I had/had flaws, they raised me so it’s down to them.

I will always be their baby, I was the youngest of three, but I don’t take them giving me shit. Maybe part of the issue is, you revert to being how you were with your mum when you were that troubled young person. Change your own narrative with her and see if that helps.

We’ve had a few chats . They mostly go one of three ways.

1. I can’t take criticism/a joke.
2. I don’t understand how hard it was for her , hence the “traumatised” line.
3. Crying and performative victimhood.

I’d actually like to have a reasonable and productive conversation with her. I actually understand why some of the stuff happened and the reasons(not excuses) behind it and why she is the way she is and I accept that. However, she refuses to take any responsibility or show any understanding of why I was the way I was which is frustrating, particularly since I was a child and she was the adult.

Just one genuine “I’m sorry” would go a long way even if I know she can’t be the mum I want or need .

We took you to stately homes threads are for you x

Oh, I hear you. I recognise all of that. I’ve just had to acknowledge to myself that my mother is not in fact an adult, and that her incapacities aren’t my fault. I can also see that some of these are because of her own deprived, dysfunctional upbringing, so not entirely her ‘fault’, either. But she should never have had children, or never had so many, and however much I emphasise, I’m still left with the legacy of some truly terrible parenting (including my father, who is a whole other story).

It’s actually very painful. Therapy has helped me.

It does make me laugh when she offers me parenting advice . She’s obviously not happy how I turned up, so why would she want me to do the same things she did?