To not want to answer people's questions?

[rainbows40]

There have been times where people have asked me personal questions and I can't find the right words to say. The truth is I don't always want to answer their questions but when being asked a direct question by someone I find it extremely difficult to say "I don't feel comfortable answering that" which actually sounds like I'm hiding something. Truth is I'm a very private person and I fear judgement.
I live my life 50% carefree and 50% hyper aware of everything and everyone and super sensitive.
I will give you an example of how I find myself in an awkward moment where I am asked a question:
I will go about my day as normal. There will be someone who I tolerate and am very nice to, but inside I don't particularly like them. My trains for this example are that I notice how they pick out student nurses for tedious tasks that they should be doing by themselves. They have been caught doing this and have been 'shut down' by senior staff when asking a certain student to help her do something tedious, and they told her she was busy.
Anyway, I tolerate her but don't particularly like how she works for this reason.
She caught me off guard and asked me outright how old I am. I felt somewhat taken back and didn't want to tell her. I felt as though my privacy was being invaded. I made up something roughly around my age.
She then asked how old my kids were.

Why didn't I just tell her I wasn't happy answering her questions? The answer is because I feared coming across as rude.

Another example, there is a person who I have worked with, is a bit of a strange character. Extremely shy and sensitive on the outside. Always taking huge offence to things people say and apparently do and disappearing frequently mid meeting because something was said that triggered something for them. Having spent moments with them chatting after work, I have seen them switch from this shy persona to suddenly being utterly aggressive and shouting at passers by who may have bumped into them by accident as they were walking by.
I have seen them under another light when they brought up a story about a colleague who was new and had made a mistake and seemed to take delight at their failings. I have also noticed that they take pleasure in attempting to have one-upmanship on people. All of this, for me, has cast this colleague under a certain light and I am now very wary of them but very polite when interacting with them.
They have ignored me out in public, as that's part of their odd behaviour, and then the next they try and make conversation with me, which baffles me. This sounds ridiculous me saying this but one time we travelled for a meeting to a remote place. On my way there in the early morning, someone sped walked past me and only after they had fully passed did I realise it was them. They passed by without saying hello or even acknowledging me. I wasn't entirely surprised as again, this is part of their odd behaviour.
Anyone with eyes would have known they would have passed me as my coat is unique and bright. So they definitely would have seen me. Also, I was the only person bar one or two, on that street at that time, so hard to miss.
When I arrived at the meeting, as I was taking my place she was already seated looking at me. She suddenly perked up from a few rows away and loudly asked me how I travelled there. I knew full well that they knew they had just passed me in the street. I didn't want to answer her question. I didn't want to give her the delight in saying how she had also walked and had gotten there ages ago! For some reason she had pissed me off a bit, so I smiled politely and asked her "why?"
She got pissy and loudly infront of everyone declared it was just a simple question!! So I told her I flew and sat down. Pathetic I know, but I have a habit of feeling intimidated or put on the spot and I never know the appropriate response.

How do I get through these moments??

I wanted to explain why they each had got my back up a little and is the reason I didn't want to give them any information.
If it's not my anxiety, then what do you think it is?

But you weren’t giving them ‘information’, they were just making the most ordinary kind of chitchat. ‘How did you get here?’ isn’t a request for information, it’s like talking about the weather. It’s phatic communication.

It doesn’t sound to me at all likely that she was pretending she hadn’t seen you so she could ‘delight’ publicly in having walked faster than you, and it is deeply odd that this is the narrative you’ve constructed around the most ordinary question. And your reply to her was very strange and rather rude. It’s also quite odd that you invented a different age for yourself when your other colleague asked.

You sound very paranoid and as though you spend a lot of time making mental lists of things you dislike about colleagues.

Amazing response. That must have taken you some thought to write that.
That's the thing about text. It doesn't give you a real idea of a person's body language and you can make of it what you want. You can add your own tone to it and turn it into something that suits you and your mood and not actually the way the writer intended.
That's another reason why I decided to give some background information. By me giving an insight into how these people operate on a daily basis it reveals an idea of what they are like around their peers, adding context to where I was coming from.
I will add that these aren't just opinions formed inside my head but were also unprovoked and unbiased observations from others.
In relation to your opinion of my point of view, if I was to write a detailed account of exactly what goes on in a day in the life of working around these people that I mention, your take on what occurred would still be skewed into your version of opinion. It's ok that you don't understand what point I'm trying to make in my OP and I don't take offence to your opinion, however, asking someone's age - someone you don't know and barely even know the name of is not considered normal chitchat. How busy the ward is or the weather we were having would be normal chitchat.
Someone who you don't normally chat with randomly calling to you across several rows of seats in a room full of people to ask a completely irrelevant question to the setting and task at hand is not normal chitchat either. And coupled with the fact that they were hiding their face as they sped walked past me was just plain odd - it struck me as odd the way they walked past me and it highlighted the weirdness even more when they decided to question my own journey after they had done this.
My conclusion to their behaviour in the meeting room was that they had clearly seen me walking, so to ask how I got there was not innocent normal everyday chitchat, but rather loaded with some kind of tit for tat, one upmanship behaviour that I don't get involved in. So whatever it was she was trying to gain from this weird thing she had going on that morning, she was not going to get her fix from me. Hence me not giving her the answer to a question she already knew.

As for the other one who likes to seek out students to do her work for her, she isn't a nurse but is a new HCA and is always paired up with a RN. Yet despite this, every day she has sought out a student or two to make beds or run errands for her, while said student was already busy doing medical calculations with another nurse or typing up patient notes. Students aren't there to be skivvies but to learn and progress during the short time they are with us.
I had often heard of some staff treating students like this but never seen it myself with mine. This hca is new to our ward and has brought with her the kind of work style I don't think much of.
My problem is that I can be polite and kind to all types of people. I find they easy and second nature. However, the moment they overstep my personal boundaries - and yes asking the age of someone you don't know is a personal boundary - I stiffen up.
I am a very positive person usually and I always give someone the benefit of the doubt until I notice something off. Respect is always given and it has to be mutual or the balance is off. At this point I observe to see if it happens again and again and why. Everyone can have bad days or weeks. We are all human. But repeated carelessness, or odd behaviour being projected onto others isn't acceptable. I can't quite put my finger on it, it's not quite bullying as it's much more passive than that. It's akin to indirect humiliation. Or, challenging boundaries for ones ego boost. Whatever it is, it doesn't sit right with me.
There is no need to try and be heads and shoulders above anybody else despite job title. We all must respect eachother and their responsibilities.
My issue is when in these situations I need to learn how to develop pre prepared redirective responses instead of blurting out information I don't want to give but in the moment feel compelled to give.

You sound like far too much hard work.

Im baffled that asking your age and how you got somewhere are deemed personal questions that you dont wish to answer. Unless you are 178 years old and turn into a bat to fly places?

And yet again a vituperative stream of aggression about the two colleagues and someone who commented on one of your internet posts. This says a lot about your rigid thinking, and paranoid responses. I mean, virtually every other poster has said the same thing about your responses to these two questions.

If you think the colleague is exploiting the students, report it to a line manager? I assume if they feel exploited themselves, the students also have recourse to someone senior? Either way, it’s irrelevant to her asking you your age and the ages of your children, surely? If you think that this is deeply ‘personal information’, presumably it would be equally personal whether or not you approved of the work habits of the asker.

And if you were somewhere remote for a meeting with a lot of other people, surely it’s perfectly natural that someone who knows you by sight would ask you an ordinary question about how you got there, even if you’re not on chatting terms usually? There seems no reason to think it was out of some desire for oneupmanship unless you’re absolutely determined to think the worst of her.

Something to remember OP, everyone has things in their head, concerns about what other people think or maybe what people think to the answers to their questions.

eg the speedy arrival may have realise she ran straight past you and so concerned you might be thinking ill of her started a convo to be able to say she hadn’t seen you 🤷‍♀️

people think more about themselves than others on the whole

Good grief!
Why the character assassination of these people? If you don't want to answer, don't. If you want to know why they want to know, just ask them. You clearly don't like them and I would imagine they don't like you very much now either.

Yes, these are good answers. It helps to have some answers prepared, OP.

Stuck in my mind is when I was a teenager getting a new job and before I left my old job, someone asked me what my new salary would be. We were in the staff room and it was in front of everyone. I felt put on the spot and told the truth, cue lots of discussion about it, and I was so annoyed. SIL also asks nosy questions and I've learnt not to answer her directly.

It's not you OP - it's people being bloody rude. It's OK to fluff an answer. If I asked my dad his age, he'd say "As old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth"!

Hi OP

Sorry you've had some unkind and unhelpful answers.
You're not odd - I think what you’ve described is actually a very common dynamic among people who are perceptive, sensitive to social cues, and conflict-averse. I've met many people like this in my life.
You've had some great replies about preparing some responses in advance to these situations and I think this is the way forward. Keep practising them. Humour is also a great way to deflect but keep everything light. 😊

Tbh these a specific situations with people who sound like dicks.

But their Qns are really inconsequential.

That first exampleidi think the person was just making small talk, id have made a joke like "older than I look hopefully." Or laughed and said "ooh thats a personal Qn isn't it? Why how old are you?" Deflected the Qn with a smile

The second example is someone whos emotionally manipulative and attention seeking. If theyd tried to publicly get a reaction id have shrugged and said "on foot, you passed me just before, i did wave but you seemed oblivious" or when she tried to wind you up id say "just think its an odd Qn, why do you need to know my travel plans?"

But theyre very specific examples, from people you specifically dont like. Who you do appear to engage with on a superficial level and aww how old are you and how did you get here arent really that personal, are kinda superficial Qns and are easily deflected. Theyre doing nothing with that info.

Either get comfy deflecting or make peace with answering and letting it go

Have you ever considered you might be neuro divergent? I say this because you seem to have a fixed view of the way people should act, the things people should say, give a lot of detail in explanation and a very strict sense of fairness.

Another way of deflecting questions is to make a joke of it - 'Ooh I could talk about my family/pets/house for ages, but we've got work to do!'

Or how about - 'Ah it's a conversation for another time!'

Hypersensitivity, overthinking, rejection sensitivity (resulting in people pleasing & masking for approval, fear of judgement), self consciousness in social situations, feeling under attack by small talk & questions, awkwardness in everyday social situations & ruminating after the event, obsessing about what you said, how you came across etc can all be things a lot of anxiously wired individuals do. Some of them may be also be down to ND & some not. I think the extent to which it affects you & how personal it all feels chimes with some of those kinds of traits. But I don’t mean to armchair diagnose, just wondering if reading more about some of those areas might unlock some ways to feel a bit more comfortable in your own skin & that you maybe struggle with social communication for good reason. It may help you find some ways of accepting yourself & reducing the pressure you feel to conform & perform in these awkward moments. And maybe find some ways to cope with it all because many people on the spectrum as do many highly socially anxious people struggle in this way.

Thanks guys for the replies.
I have often wondered if I am neurodivergent. There are so many things about me that makes me think I am.
Whilst there are very direct people out there that unsettled me, I do tend to focus on minor details alot.
I will try and remember some pre prepared responses you mentioned here for any future awkward moments.
Many thanks.

I don't like nosey people either and there's an awful lot of ill mannered nosey people around.
My advice,avoid the ones you know about and politely disengage if it's a random person.You don't owe anyone answers to questions,doesn't matter what it's about.
People can make polite chit chat without asking questions if that's all they want to do.

I used to work with a woman like this. If you needed information about the job or how to do the work she would be quite helpful. But she made it clear by her clipped businesslike tone that she was not going to answer personal questions:

Me: morning Rita (not her real name)
Rita: morning Friendly
Me: did you have a good weekend?
Rita: yes thank you
Me: did you do anything special?
Rita: (beginning to type) just family stuff.

While being perfectly polite she would make it clear by her tone and busily starting work that she did not do small talk. She also never came to lunchtime drinks or get togethers although we always asked her. We accepted that this is just how Rita "is".

This is a bit of an extreme version you are presenting but I’m also not keen on answering personal questions.

This seems a bit overly self conscious, people are often so caught up in their own lives to give much attention you or what to you is a distinctive coat, for example.

I’ve been known not to see people especially when rushing around with brain also going 100% miles an hour and some people have thought I deliberately ignored them.

I would’ve just said “I saw you on the way but you were rushing so didn’t get to say hello earlier”. Or something like that.

I also deeply dislike people asking my age, I do think it’s personal information and nones’s business.

OP I get the feeling you’re a little black and white, no shades of grey. Once you’ve decided you don’t like someone nothing will change your mind. It is very possible that colleague was trying to make some sort of connection with you by asking how you got there?

I agree with this.

People soon get the message that you don't want to talk about your private life at work if you answer them in this way. Just don't elaborate and usually don't ask them too many questions about their private life also.

I get you OP. For some people, they like to blur the lines between private and work life. For other people, they want a definite line where the two doesn't cross.

I was going to mention ADHD but thought I’d get negative responses -but I have adhd/autism and people can be quite unpleasant -and I’m also very sensitive to other people’s behaviour - asking your age is odd imv - why? I wouldn’t ask someone unless I was going to follow it up with ‘ you don’t look it’.
But people do find me stand offish / annoying - so colleagues being a bit rude or scoring points is normal sadly.

Oh I don’t like how you’re being labelled at fault here OP. You’re quite entitled to listen to your instinct and not give too much away to these fairly unpleasant sounding people - too many of us are trained into being compliant and nice and told to be good. My sister is like one of them and I keep her at arms length, there is nothing wrong with that.

I’d be batting off these questions with humour or sarcasm though and give it not a second thought.

You. I think it’s you.

OP, your colleague is unlikely to have a mental inventory of who among her workmates does or doesn’t have a distinctive coat. Why on earth would you expect her to?

You seem to struggle a great deal to see interactions through the eyes of anyone other than yourself.

Thank you for the positive replies.
I dont just see the black and white, but all the colour in-between too. I am usually a very good judge of character but I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt alot. I can make my mind up about someone based on how I see them treat other people and how they talk about others - which is a normal judgement, yet I can be quickly dissuaded if I see a warm side in them. This isn't my issue.
My issue is when people ask me questions,l I don't want to answer.
My obvious go-to would to be to answer them, but I want to learn how not to answer them if I feel uncomfortable.