To feel hurt and angry at STBXDH and him getting away with everything

[Icantpeopleanymore]

Been separated 5 years, fairly amicable, children doing ok but have additional needs, it's been a rough few years dealing with their behaviour and school refusal etc..

Ex moved in to his girlfriends an hour away after less than a year of knowing her and reduced contact to every other weekend from every week.

He always has something happening that means he gets to choose the weekends, his girlfriend recently got added to our calendar app and has been putting weekends and holidays on there, basically dictating when they are having them. She recently booked my boyfriends birthday weekend next year without even checking, did the same this year. He says because she's better at that stuff...one of the reasons we are divorcing. He left everything to me.

Recently he has booked a work trip for one of his weekends so he could only have them one night, not two.

Refused to contribute to the costs for our consent order, meaning my holiday and Christmas fund are now gone.

Ignores all contact about the children, reads the messages and doesn't reply

Never ever asks how they are getting on, has left me to do everything for our daughter and her EHCP, her online schooling, my son's send provision, his secondary school choices...

Meanwhile, DD has just bought them Christmas presents. Rubbish, cheap bracelets, but still. I've never had a present from her, ever. She's 15. I didn't even get a card or happy birthday recently.

I know this is what happens. I never say anything, I never say a bad word about him or her, I want an easy life and it is easier without him, but it just makes me so sad. I get all their meltdowns, sleep issues, bed wetting, everything. They get none of it. He even had the cheek to argue over our divorce split because 'i have to think about myself ' when I was explaining that I needed to buy somewhere alone to house all three of us on half the wage he has and twice the outgoings. He's really selfish and just gives them no thought.

Not really an AIBU but how to I stop feeling so angry and sad. Honestly the fact I've just paid out over 1.5k to sort our consent order because he applied for the divorce without even mentioning it, because I'm assuming he wants to marry her, along with the purchase with no prompting of two cheap bracelets has just broken me tonight. Ridiculous I know.

I need to learn how to let go of the anger at the way he's just done whatever he likes and introduced someone who is now dictating what I can do with my time. Yet he can do no wrong with the kids.

They'll see him for who he truly is when he doesn't show up in a crisis. It's you they will turn to as they get older, because they won't be able to rely on him. At the moment it's almost a desperate unrequited love they have for him - and you can't compete with that when you're the one yelling at them to eat/bath/do homework.

He's the one missing out on the amazing human beings he created with you. You will always be their safety net, even if they're not remotely grateful right now let your anger go, honestly. He's not worth the headspace you're giving him.

One day your children will be adults and you will have the richness of all the experiences of them growing up. Whether your ex cares or not about that is immaterial, the fact is he isn't there for them but you are. Nobody can take that away.

I wonder if they are buying gifts because they feel the need to buy their love, whereas with you they know it's there.

I think you continue to be strong and do the best for your children. You'll exhaust yourself trying to change him, and my guess is you got tired of managing him, the new GF will too. She's already exasperated enough to not trust him with the parenting app

Thank you. It's just been this last year, well three years actually, dealing with DD physically attacking me during meltdowns, missing work but still needing to keep my job as a teacher, surviving on very little sleep because of DS is is rapidly becoming a handful...I get love from them, I do, and little glimmers of kindness, like DD attempting to wipe down the sides after she's made some concocted recipe while I'm out at work. Seems tiny but it's a big thing for her.

I just came downstairs to FS demanding a bath so leaving no hot water for me although I've a stinking cold and just wanted a hot bath before bed, and DD having left fugar, milk, etc all over the sides and everything piled in the dink I had literally just cleared up. She's gone off in a strop as I had a swear to myself but didn't realise she was there. She'll probably ignore me all night now.

I'm just so very tired and fed up most of the time and he's just pootling about without a care in the world...apart from the drive here to drop them off ( I asked him to learn to drive for nearly 20 years, he's just recently done it because he moved) he's not got a frigging care in the world.

I feel bad for him that he only gets to see them 4 days a month, but it was his choice to move.

@Dacatspjs yes maybe. It's just a punch to the gut because she never ever thinks about anyone else, ever. She's Autistic and most of that is from being burnt out from school, she's had a year out now and things are getting better, but it's been like a full time job getting to this point.

I tell them I love them, I can't cuddle her, but she does cuddle me in her own way, we sit together on the sofa watching things together most nights, she 'pebbles' me with dog photos and cat photos...they know I'm always here.

X is quite money orientated and needs new shiny things all the time, so maybe it's just her way of showing her love. I want her to, of course, I want them to have a good relationship.

I can't see him and the girlfriend lasting but we were unhappy for 6 years and I was the one to end it, he actually thanked me as he would have never done it. She's fallen on her feet (he earns a lot) so maybe she's getting enough out of it to stay with him and manage every aspect of his life.

Just...stop. Stop contacting him. Get your money via CMS. Put any paperwork/necessary reminders away so you can't see them. He's taking up far too much headspace, and I'll bet he knows and loves it.

I think the bracelet thing is because he only gives them a slither of love and so that is her way of trying to buy it from him. I get it, I really do and have been there with a dick of an ex who had barely any contact once he met a new woman. All I can say is now they are 21 and 22 and barely see him. Their relationship has deteriorated as the DC see him for what he is and barely bother with him. I am the person who has this amazing relationship with them, the person they come to, the person they tell everything to, the person they want in time of need. It was very hard when they were younger but I wouldn't swap my relationship with them for his for all the money in the world.

I split with my ex almost 10 years ago, I have 2 SEN dc too. Their father has never had them overnight at all, never attended any appointments and doesn’t even know where dd2’s SEN placement is.

I spent years being angry about it but it’s no good, I can force him to be a good father. Dc1 always stuck up for him when she was younger, she’s now 21 and refuses to go to his house, she see’s him once a week as he drives her to work (half an hour drive), she can now see how useless he has been. Your dc will realise eventually too. My youngest still see’s him one day a week, she’s severely autistic and it’s just part of her weekly routine but each week he asks if he can bring her home early or if I can collect her early. I have given up trying to argue with him and have excepted that he will never be the parent I want him to be.

Thanks all...I know all this. Just hard to remember it.

DD came down with the temptation of the cat, we watched stranger things and she even offered to make me a hot toddy because I've got a cold. DS is in my bed, usual after being there, he masks with them, she does too I think.

I'm so lucky to get some time at least without them, granted they don't brush their teeth or wash when they're there but it's only a couple of days. It does give me a break.

Just need to let it go I suppose, he was barely a father to them when he was here so I can't expect him to change now.

Keep a note of all the divorce costs and apply his half as a debt in the financial order. You might not yet be out of pocket.

Life must be really tough with additional needs dc. The state really should provide more help. Make sure youre getting all the benefits you can get. Do all the communication with dickhead through official channels. Have your dates set up by court order or whatever it is, rather than letting dick’s gf arrange all your lives. Claim off him for every red cent you can. He should be taking them when he would prefer not to whether he likes it or not. Useless prick.