Son rejecting exs partner

[DadBobbie]

So my ex left me after 17 years last Xmas. She waited 3 weeks before seeing someone new which obviously didn’t go down well. That fizzled out but then 3 weeks later in late July she moved on to the next guy

we share a 7 year old who was deveststed when I had to move out. He’s been diagnosed with anxiety since and constantly keeps asking when I can come home. Me and his mum have both sat him down and explained we still love him but I won’t be. I have him 50/50 and would have him full time if I could. He’s my world

the spanner in the works is that I still love my wife. There’s been nobody else on my part and my brain knows it’s over but my heart still wants her so it’s hurt a lot she’s moved on several times so quickly

our son is still desperate for us to be together and is no way ready to know she’s in a relationship. We also promised that if someone new came along that we would meet them before our son does so we know them and at least know who he’s around

she decided to go behind my back and took our son out several times with this person (I still haven’t met him). Our son thinks they are just friends but he’s not stupid. He’s starting to ask questions about why this man is around so much and he’s worried his mum will like him more than me. I told him he needs to say to his mum if he’s worried but I can let her know as well, but that she would want to talk to him if I do.

she apologised about going behind my back and said it wouldn’t happen again until I met the guy. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and she goes on holiday with our son and her mum. When they get back my son says this man took them to the airport. Tried to give him money. Which my son refused as he said the man is weird and the guy tried to hug him.

my son came to me and said he doesn’t want to see the man anymore as he confuses him and he doesn’t know if he wants something from him.

i told his mum what he said and what he had asked as he didn’t want to upset her. She has seemed to agree, but when I spoke to our son he said she told him she was disappointed in him for saying it so now he thinks she’s upset with him

obviously from a biased point of view I think it’s to much to soon and she should leave him to concentrate on our son and getting him settled as he’s still adapting to the separation. But looking for opinions?

So you tell your son that mummy can have other friends just like he has more than one friend, and that he’s allowed to be their friend too. You cannot stop your ex seeing other men, and no court would tell her either.

The only time the authorities would intervene and tell someone to dump their partner, in my experience of working in children's services, is when the partner was a paedophile. I've also known women be contacted via Clare's law, when the partner has a known history of domestic abuse.
You could get a Clare's law request done, which is anonymous that it's you who has raised concerns, but they would do a disclosure to your ex, not you.
All you can do is be as consistent and reliable for your child as you can. You can't influence your ex in how she chooses to live her life now.

You can't stop her seeing other people.

I think it's unrealistic to have you vetting each others partners. Let's be fair you are never going to like them, is anyone going to be good enough.

I think you both have to go to your son with a united message that it's fine for you both to have other friends, your son doesn't have to worry about that. And it's fine if mummy does decide to prefer them one day to daddy- if you say otherwise you are going to create a hope that one day you are going to get back together.

Id also wonder how much of your child not liking this man comes from you and wanting to be loyal to you, rather than their genuine feelings.

Absolutely this. You have no rights on her, who she sees or to meet any partners at all let alone before your child. I'm sorry but that's the harsh truth.
You need to make this as easy as possible for your son. "Mummy has lots of new friends"

This is very unmumsnet, but given her child is still pretty young, clearly anxious and obviously struggling to come to terms with his world being turned upside down, maybe just maybe she could hold off on introducing new partners? And the same for you with women obviously. I'm saying this as a single parent too. I just don't get it.

But obviously you can't control what she does. Unless your son is at risk of harm you just have to be there for him.

@DadBobbie

Oh, fgs, OP is not trying to stop ExW from dating etc. ExW is being selfish and ignoring their son's feelings and agreement with OP. It's also a bit of a f-you to OP.
(why did she leave? ) 🤔
Any decent and mature separated couple protect children from new partners until things get massively serious, ie a year.
OP should take his ExW's actions as a serious sign as to how she thinks and what furure actions would be.
OP should get a legal separation and custody agreement in place and go for full custody if he's concerned.
I'd go batshit crazy if I had an Ex introducing my child to flings and new relationships. Not a good way to parent. If the poster had said he was female then replies here would be more supportive.