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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed about DH not spending time with his family

21 replies

ShabbyChic999 · 15/11/2025 15:26

I'd love your opinions please, aibu to be stressed about this? DH has only one brother who has a wife and two small girls. Our children are older teens - in years gone by we got together with them frequently for birthdays, Christmas, etc. DH has never been close to his brother but kind of tolerated meeting up. However their parents both passed away in the last couple of years so the family get togethers have fallen apart. I stay in touch with them a lot, they live 10 mins drive away so I pop over and see the kids etc. the SIL is an unusual person, I think she's ok but my DH find her really irritating.
In my mind they are family and we should make the effort to see them from time to time and make sure our kids see them too. DH is in touch a fair bit with his bro by phone to do with their dads will but is not bothered to meet. The brother doesn't reach out to meet either but seems more willing to go along with meeting when the wives arrange it. The SIL invited all of us over tomorrow (via message to me) and DH said he doesn't want to go so I made an excuse, this is typical.... I get the invitation so then I have to answer on his behalf and just go on my own or don't go and pretend we're all busy.
It isn't like there has been a big falling out but he's not not keen to spend his precious Sunday meeting them.
I'm stressed out with it and think he should meet them and especially should take more interest in his nieces. Plus I hate always getting invitations and having to make excuses.
What do you all think please 😭

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 15/11/2025 15:28

You’ve said it yourself DH and his brother aren’t close
stop trying to force a reationship
if you want the cousins to be close and your SIL and you get on, then do that

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/11/2025 15:29

He and his brother are not close. Why should they be, particularly if your DH finds the wife irritating. Leave well alone.

Cynic17 · 15/11/2025 15:30

Your poor husband! There are no rules that say we have to love or even like our relatives, just because they're "family". If your husband and his brother are quite happy, then leave them be and relax. Find some friends of your own, perhaps?

ShadowMotiveJay · 15/11/2025 15:38

You need to learn to stop stressing yourself out over a man’s personal business. You must do his head in.

AngelicInnocent · 15/11/2025 15:45

As often the case, first poster has it right!

Original poster
ShabbyChic999 · 15/11/2025 15:46

Thanks I do appreciate the replies and it's good to help see his view. I'm not trying to get them together very frequently but when the SIL invites us I feel so awkward always making excuses.
For example I made excuses for tomorrow and she's straight back with suggesting next Sunday instead 😭

OP posts:
chickennoodledoodle · 15/11/2025 15:52

ShabbyChic999 · 15/11/2025 15:46

Thanks I do appreciate the replies and it's good to help see his view. I'm not trying to get them together very frequently but when the SIL invites us I feel so awkward always making excuses.
For example I made excuses for tomorrow and she's straight back with suggesting next Sunday instead 😭

I agree with others; brothers aren’t close so leave them to it. Sounds like you & your SIL need to have a little “real” chat about things. I bet her hubby says the same things yours says to you. Why not say it as it is & accept that the pair of you want the cousins to see each other but the brothers are being their usual unsocial selves? There’s only so long you can keep making excuses for him.

Goodadvice1980 · 15/11/2025 16:03

YABU. Leave dh alone & stop trying to force meet ups. It sounds insufferable.

TheRolyPolyBard · 15/11/2025 16:04

Just go to everything you want to with your kids and when asked where DH is, roll your eyes jokingly and laugh "oh tell me about it - he's so unsociable!" Keep it light. If they press with questions, just say oh I'm not sure you'll have to ask DH.

SquareHead37 · 15/11/2025 16:16

I’ve no idea why you’ve taken it upon yourself to force contact the brothers don’t want. Leave it alone.

Wingingit73 · 15/11/2025 17:40

Why are 'you' stressed though? Its up to your husband

Original poster
ShabbyChic999 · 15/11/2025 18:15

Thanks all, I'm sure I am a pain for DH, I don't know why but I get anxious about him not being hands uncle to their kiddies and just generally think it's the "right" thing to meet family from time to time , like every 3 months even. I am a bit crazy I'm sure 🥴 we haven't all got together since july

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 15/11/2025 18:21

I don't think that someone "should" get together with family simply because they are family.
It's nice if they want to, but if they don't then what actually is the point? Insisting on meeting up every 3 months is a bit like scratching a mosquito bite - every time you do it, you're reminded how irritating it is.

If you want to meet up with SIL and have the children spending time together, then that's fine. I wouldn't insist he does. My BIL is far less irritating when he's 50 miles away...

HonoriaBulstrode · 15/11/2025 18:25

Do your 'older teens' really want to meet up with two small girls, cousins or not?

ginasevern · 15/11/2025 18:30

I don't understand why you feel your DH has to be a "hands on uncle" or force a closer relationship with his bro and SIL. Families the world over are distant and some actively hate each other, and ultimately it's your DH's choice. But I do understand your stress at constantly having to make excuses. You either do one of 2 things. You have a heart to heart with your SIL (she must surely know there is distance between her DH and yours)? Or you tell your DH that he must answer the messages from now on. This really shouldn't be all on you.

EditorInChief · 15/11/2025 18:35

Leave him to it, you can't force these things. Families are strange things.

elviswhorley · 15/11/2025 19:33

ShabbyChic999 · 15/11/2025 18:15

Thanks all, I'm sure I am a pain for DH, I don't know why but I get anxious about him not being hands uncle to their kiddies and just generally think it's the "right" thing to meet family from time to time , like every 3 months even. I am a bit crazy I'm sure 🥴 we haven't all got together since july

Sounds like your husband knows that life is most enjoyable when you spend time with those you actively want to only. You enjoy spending time with people you don't really like? Or you just punish yourself for some perceived greater good? Or you just want him to suffer for some strange reason?

Keroppi · 15/11/2025 19:41

Well I'm going against the grain and I think it's awful that DH and his brother aren't arsed about each other. If there's no backstory or abuse etc I think family need to make efforts to stay in contact. Your siblings are the only ones who have the same parents as you and had the same upbringing.. you (ie him) should be keeping a relationship for your children to know each other! OK, it drops off amongst teens but usually (in my large family) cousins hang out independently as friends and stay in touch.

Anyway, I think I would just keep contact with SIL and tell DH his brother and his children are the last living blood relatives.. so if he cares about that then he needs to make effort. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Can't force him. You don't need to stress.. Just keep your relationship with them and your nephews and nieces yourself.

Cynic17 · 15/11/2025 19:59

Keroppi · 15/11/2025 19:41

Well I'm going against the grain and I think it's awful that DH and his brother aren't arsed about each other. If there's no backstory or abuse etc I think family need to make efforts to stay in contact. Your siblings are the only ones who have the same parents as you and had the same upbringing.. you (ie him) should be keeping a relationship for your children to know each other! OK, it drops off amongst teens but usually (in my large family) cousins hang out independently as friends and stay in touch.

Anyway, I think I would just keep contact with SIL and tell DH his brother and his children are the last living blood relatives.. so if he cares about that then he needs to make effort. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Can't force him. You don't need to stress.. Just keep your relationship with them and your nephews and nieces yourself.

But why should having the same parents mean you have to stay in touch? It doesn't make sense. If people want to get together, that's great, but a forced relationship is pointless.

Keroppi · 15/11/2025 20:10

Cynic17 · 15/11/2025 19:59

But why should having the same parents mean you have to stay in touch? It doesn't make sense. If people want to get together, that's great, but a forced relationship is pointless.

Show quote history

Because assuming your family is healthy and no instances of toxic dynamics or abuse, your family are your longest and deepest bonds/relationships.
The ones who have known you from young, experienced the same household as you, shared experiences and meaning. A family psychology/shared inner world
It has a powerful effect on your psychological wellbeing, being known and understood
Shared experience of family members being unwell, shared grief etc

Being able to rely on family if you're in trouble whether childcare or illness or unexpected stuff- most people wouldn't ask friends for things like that. Community etc

Some people have to force every relationship as they're not very sociable, I suppose

Keroppi · 15/11/2025 20:17

Of course I understand you're not going to be close to cousins or random uncles or aunts you haven't grown up with. But siblings you grew up with I would expect maintenance of bonds as adults with families. But maybe my experience is different from a large multi ethnic family

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