AIBU to be annoyed and upset with my ex husband

[SadNutter]

So my ex husband and I have recently seperated and we are sharing custody of our kids 50/50. I instigated the seperation after years and years of doing everything myself. My husband never lifted a finger with household stuff or the kids and I basically decided the kids and I deserved better. I had reservations about sharing the kids 50/50 because he was so hopeless but he threatened he would fight me for full custody and I didn’t want to drag the kids through all that or risk losing them although deep down I knew that was unlikely.

So its a month now since we’ve seperated and he’s turned in to some superhuman / superdad that can now do everything I’ve been asking him to do for years!

He’s able to care for the kids, do school drop off’s/pick up’s something he always said he couldn’t do because of work even though I had to juggle fulltime work in a senior role and do school pick up’s/drop off’s.

He’s tidying, cleaning, cooking and doing washing in the house! Has managed to sort out general bills etc.

He’s even started finishing the half done what resembled a crack house bathroom which we lived with in that way for 8 years.

Has said he’s going to decorate the house after my asking for 6 years to do this.

Deep down I suppose I know that I’ve done the right thing because he obviously didn’t care enough for me if he couldn’t support me and do these things for me. I’m also annoyed that people will now think he’s wonderfull and I’m the bitch for leaving him and breaking up a family even though the truth is I put up with shit for years!

AIBU to be hurt, upset and annoyed with him?

I bet he won't keep it up, you mark my words. He's just making a point.
What a selfish and annoying man, you're better off without him.

I can understand why you feel these emotions OP.
Part of me is thinking if you want to reconsider a final chance at your marriage?
It could be the wake up call he needed.
But you are under no obligation to do this and it is your decision.
You need to be clear that his previous behaviour cannot continue.
Please don't worry about others thoughts on this.
Take care OP

Yanbu. Maybe you leaving actually woke him up

I don’t want to sound glib, but have you talked to him about it? Pointed out exactly what you explained in your OP?

His response might help you to feel less annoyed.

Pretend its working. Let him know, try to be only just subtle enough, that all his wonderfulness is being seen and appreciated

You can stop when the work needed on the house is completed

Well people won’t think he’s “wonderful”, they’ll think he got a shock and woke up to his responsibilities.

Is it also possible that he’s trying to win you back?

I find you get what you settle for, you stopped settling so he changed his behaviour. Hopefully for the children’s sake it’s a long term change.

I'd just enjoy your 50% free time instead of getting held up with anger. I doubt anyone will be thinking you're a bitch for separating, people separate and it looks like you are co-parenting well. It sounds like your decision was the best for all of you.

Have you actually moved out, and if so why? Is he paying nothing at all then at 50/50.

Anyway, stand firm, he's shown the contempt in which he holds you.

Are you still in the same house OP? If so, I’d assume he’s trying to woo you.

He'll give up when he realises you're not falling for it.

Don’t praise a fish for swimming OP.
He is doing what he should have done for years. At least you know when he has the DC it will be ok. He can actually operate at a fully adult level.

All he's doing is proving that he could have stepped up years ago, but he simply couldn't be bothered.

Now he thinks it might annoy or hurt you - rather than benefit or please you - he's more than happy to start.

Its to do with court and money. You won't be able to state that you are primary parent, because he can state he has done x,y,z for the children.

I see this happen a lot working with ‘professional’ career men. Couldn’t possibly be home before 7, far too busy etc. as soon as the divorce hits they suddenly seem able to leave at 5 and parent because they’ve got no choice, they just didn’t respect their wives or families enough to try before.

You said you did it because you decided you and the kids deserved better. And you’ve got that. It might be bitter sweet but the kids now have a more involved dad, you have free time because he’s going to be 50:50 so you won’t be doing everything during his time with the kids. He might not keep it up, but if he does, you should congratulate yourself on achieving better for yourself and the kids.

Thanks everyone, its reassuring to hear other people’s opinions.

Interestingly the kids have been with him this weekend and after coming home to me they have shared details of dad said you’d done this and that basically trying to put me in a bad light to the kids. Something I’ve never done and never will as our issues aren’t the kids issues. So really that again has shown his true colours and reinforced the fact to me that I have done the right thing.

Stop focussing on what he is doing now.
You separated for a reason. That would not not have changed if you were still together.
Be glad that he is being a good dad. Anything else that he does has nothing to do with you now.

If nything, this is a sign that you were right ot leave - he's clearly perfectly capable of all kinds of things, just didn' twant to do them when he had you to do them for him.

I doubt it will last.

I'd also be taking a more robust approach to him badmouthing you to the children. You should not, obviously, bad mouth him. But also don't accept what he says, "well, that's Dad's view but definitely not mine" at the bare minimum, possibly with more depending on what it is, eg "Dad says I wouldn't let him do the shool run? haha, sadly, that's not true but perhaps it's what he needs to think now that he's realising it is totally doable even with his job."

Thanks that is a good point. I do have a tendancy to just ignore stuff like that but seethe inside, that doesn’t help me and I should stick up for myself more if I’d done that over the years perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am now!